Everything I do is wrong

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by TragicActor, Dec 19, 2014.

  1. TragicActor

    TragicActor Member

    I posted about this in the intro forum, but my wife and I are fighting far too often. And it usually goes like this - I either do something she doesn't like or fail to do something she expects me to do, and then something that starts off small turns into a huge meltdown. It can be anything. I have too many examples to list here. Suffice it to say, if she doesn't like something, she has to take it to the worst case extreme.

    Sometimes even when I do something good, she manages to turn it around and use it as an excuse to get mad. Like when I finished this quarter with 2 As and a B after having previous quarters where I failed classes and was on academic warning for two consecutive quarters. Instead of being happy for me, she said, "I told you you wouldn't manage taking classes while working! But you never listen to me!" (She did say she was proud of me in a different conversation, but the fact that she even uses my successes as an excuse to get mad really hurt.)

    Tonight I even googled "My wife thinks I can't do anything right," and I came across one link that described someone else in a situation where the wife treats her husband as if he can't do anything right, and they basically said she was being abusive. But what disturbed me is the solution they suggested.


    Divorce is not okay. Suicide is preferable to divorce.

    I don't care who says I don't deserve to be treated this way, or that I would be better off divorced than married to someone who doesn't appreciate me, or that I'm only hurting myself by staying married to her (especially when she's threatened to divorce me repeatedly). I don't care how many people "bounce back" after divorce and start over again. There are also lots of people who get it right the first time - I'm trying to be one of them. If there really is someone out there who's better for me, why didn't I meet her 10 years ago? What, because "life doesn't work like that?" If life doesn't work, then that justifies suicide all the more.

    So what do I have to do to fix our marriage? What do I have to do to get the love back? What do I have to do to make our marriage one where we get it right the first time?
  2. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    The first thing that pops into my cabeza is whether she has been that way since before you chose to marry her or did she just wake up one day mad at you. People can be like this when there's resentment about some unmet need and loose ends. Has she ever told you why she's upset? The source may be something unrelated to you.

    I think both of you may benefit from couples therapy because there may be some underlying issues the two of you never communicated or resolved together. Have you tried that?

    Have you ever sat down and asked your wife why she wants a divorce when she threatens to get one? Do you have any children together?
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2014
  3. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    I read your other posts here and you have two children together. She approached the issue of divorce with you, but you declined without regard to her needs, and have been unwilling to even listen to her like a respectful husband and talk it out. This kind of dismissal creates resentment, especially because she tried to express an unmet need with you and you neglect to even acknowledge it.

    I see people refusing to divorce constantly for their own principles. But have you considered that maybe it would be best for her? What would growing up with divided parents who resent one another be like for your children? Is this type of famiy life a helpful one for their emotional stability?

    Why are you so vehemently opposed to divorce when you're unhappy, your wife is unhappy, and this misery is likely to deprive your children - who are completely innocent in this - of a loving family that they deserve, and eventually deprive them of a father, especially because you intend to kill yourself?

    It's somewhat admirable that you want to try to work things out while you are married without having to resort to divorce, but it takes a lot of courage for someone in your shoes to admit the marriage is broken, and at the very least, that a separation may be best for the sake of the entire family at this point. People aren't perfect. Sometimes marriages go sour, sometimes they recover, sometimes they don't.

    If you don't want to try to acknowledge your marriage is broken and sit down with your wife and discuss separation, if not divorce, with her, then at least put your own needs aside and do it for the love of your children. Undoubtedly, you will cause so much strife and hurt to them because of your ego, that the misery and suffering you feel in your marriage to your wife will be dwarfed by theirs. Their needs are more important than yours to refuse to talk about it.

    If she doesn't want to go through the trouble of divorcing you, then she can consider separation. Go and talk to an attorney. It's time to start getting aggressive about this if she insists it will make her happier and the children are having to deal with it, too. Say "I'm ready to talk about divorce. Let's make an appointment to go see an attorney tomorrow and learn how we can separate first. If this is what you think will help you, I'm willing to talk about it." See her reaction, remain calm and don't argue with anything she says. And then actually go and consult with an attorney - whether your wife decides to grow up and join you or not.

    I would also suggest that therapy for yourself in this situation is not something you should neglect. It is for your own well-being. She cannot destroy your right to seek help. Get aggressive about enjoying your life and do what has to be done so that you can live, for yourself and for your children.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2014