Everything in my Life has Fallen Apart

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tanse, Aug 4, 2010.

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  1. Tanse

    Tanse Member

    Where to start?

    Well lets see my Family has banned me from them, because a $3000 camera went missing, and i got blamed for it because of some stupid stuff i did when i was in middle school and i was there that day. But i didn't take it.

    My fiancée of 10 years left me but because I'm banned from my family I have to stay with her because I have nowhere else to go. To make it worse shes now dating a guy who lives in Denmark who she she was with before she dumped me, and he is here visiting. And since she is still sleeping with me when hes not around, shes making me pretend to be her gay friend who lives with her so she doesn't lose him. It's so hard to see them together. The worst part is i get to babysit the kids while they go upstairs to what used to be our room together for hrs at a time.

    Ive lost my job about 6 months ago been looking for work ever since have found nothing bills are coming all around me and I feel like I'm drowning. I can't seem to find work anywhere the only thing I found was door to door sales entirely on commission.

    My Ex's parents do everything in their power to turn my 2 daughters against me telling them I'm worthless and a bum. The other day she came up to me and asked me "daddy why are u such a lazy bum?" . Nearly broke my heart.

    All I ever wanted in life was a job, to grow old with my ex. Raise our 2 beautiful girls. To be a good husband and father. To be Happy. But Thats not gonna happen for me. I guess I must have done something really bad in my life I can't remember because I must not deserve Happiness.

    So every part of my life is fallen down around me. And I never used to have thoughts of killing myself before but now I its all I can think about. I stop myself before i break skin but I've started playing with knives on my wrists. Trying to desensitize myself i guess.

    What should I do I feel like every part of my life is being taken from me then rubbed in my face.

    It takes all my power to stop from crying, I hold in the tears when anyone else is around. But i find myself going for walks at night just to let some of them out.

    I needed to get this off my chest. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 4, 2010
  2. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    This is all I can think of.

    Things could be worse. Life is always going to be a challenge and rarely turns out the way you want it to. Take a step back. Relax. Access your situation for a time. And then approach forward again after you've taken it all in. Consider your options. Make a plan. And just keep going. Find a passion and go with it. Make things to look forward to. Maybe even go and find another date. Life is too short to be sad. You must find a way to be happy.

    Now one of your kids said why are you a lazy bum. That must have hurt badly. It's time to change their perspective and know the real you. Take them to a park. Buy them some stuff. Talk to them. Get really involved with them so they discover the real you. Anything but copying the perspective of someone else.

    You can still turn this around. It takes bravery and commitment. But you'll find a way forward. feel free to pm me with any problems.

    Good luck.
     
  3. Tanse

    Tanse Member

    Thank you for your advice, I think i will start taken them out more and spending more time with them. As for dates I wish but I have no money to take anyone out.

    But Thank you for your kind words.
     
  4. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    You're welcome as long as you don't give up that's the main thing. losers give up and winners keep trying even when it seems hopeless. I'm sure there is a way through this and a better circumstance available with some dedication. Even if you can't afford much now. In the future this could very well change. And even if it doesn't change for some time, that is ok there is a way to deal with it. Eventually with effort there will come a breakthrough. It's just persistence and consistency over time. And to find the strength within.
     
  5. Tanse

    Tanse Member

    ------------------------------------------------------
    ---The Way I Feel, The Pain Inside, Why wont it end.--
    ------------------------------------------------------

    I feel a pain inside like never before.

    The person I love is with another.

    My Family Hates me, I have no Friends.

    I have no money, no prospects of getting any.

    I just wish the pain would end.

    I want to die is that so bad?

    I Think about it all the time.

    Always running threw my head.

    If only my love would come back to me.

    I'd Have something to live for again.

    But that isn't going to happen because they love another.

    I spent 10 years pouring my heart.

    And all I feel I've got back is pain and hurt.

    I want to die is that so bad?

    Every day is the same, wishing I had money, or love, or friends.

    Day after day night after night.

    The pain grows deeper.

    oh what a sight.

    The person I love in bed with another.

    And im down here, hurting like no other.

    My heart is broken in too many peices to count.

    One day ill get the courage just to end the pain for good.

    I want to die is that so bad?

    Will I be missed, I dont think so.

    It's all I can do not to burst into tears.

    Because my love, loves another its so unfair.

    I sit here day after day watching shows and playing games.

    When all i wish i had was my loves heart again.

    Every time im out I hope someone will kill me.

    Or maybe a car or bus will hit me.

    The person I love says they love me.

    But then why are they in bed with another at this very moment.

    I want to die is that so bad?

    I dont think so.

    I'm hoping and hoping that I will get the courage.

    To just slit my wrists or drink some poison.

    To end the pain for good.

    I think back wondering why oh why.

    I couldnt have died when i was hung as a child.

    Heres hoping it ends soon.
    ___________________________________________________________

    I was sitting her awhile ago and wrote this just thinking.

    Since talking with you it isn't as bad. Ive decided to wait and see how things work out. But The Feelings are still there.
     
  6. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    I know it hurts just give yourself time. It's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.

    You have kids that need you now. You have to put yourself in a positive mindset to succeed.

    This may be the biggest challenge you have ever faced. Even in the face of wanting to die.Choose to live and you will feel much better in the long run. As long as you follow the highest you know.

    I read your writings and I know how difficult things must be. I can empathize with the pain. I have been hurt many times myself. But if you give yourself time you can heal from this.
     
  7. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Do you have an education? How long did you have your previous job? Are you able to hold jobs?

    You need to find work somehow. I know it's hard, but the alternative is to live in a physical and mental prison. If you get thrown out of there, you will also have to live knowing that your children have also forsaken you. That might be too much.

    Work is the bedrock of society without which everything crumbles to dust.
     
  8. Tanse

    Tanse Member

    things seem to get worse everyday, its all i can think about now :(
     
  9. I don't know what to say because I myself haven't experienced what you went through but I just want to say I know how you feel when your family blames you for the things you haven't done because that's what happens to me all the time, and it hurts me because family's the ones who are meant to be the ones closest to you. I know it's hard to stand by yourself without your family's support. But just try again and again to make your situations better, I'm not doing good myself right now and don't think I deserve to give you advices or anything, please don't take this as an advice. But let's just start now, do whatever you can, whether it is getting a part time job, and studying more to get another degree and planning your dream future and I'll do whatever I can too. Let's come back to this thread after we've accomplished 'something', whether it is small or big, and laugh when we look back. I'm with you all the way. I am going to start now after I post this reply so I hope you get some motivation to start breathing and make your own great history. <3 (sorry if this just wasted your time and didn't help you at all...)
     
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