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Everything is ready

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Riley2004, Apr 13, 2013.

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  1. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    I've worked on this for months,wrapping up final paperwork and legal stuff. Figuring out exactly what to do and how to carry it out and the way to make it not look like suicide.
    So now it is all finished. I have the perfect opportunity coming later today and it is so strange and scary. I have this crazy adrenaline rush kind of feeling and I know it could be over very soon if I walk out of here and get in my car and drive away. Like there is no way I can stop it from happening once I leave.
    I'm almost sick and have a nervous feeling like I will throw up.
    I don't know what I expected but it wasn't this jumble of feelings crashing together and swirling in my head!
    I'm sure other people here have felt this way?
    I've been so focused on preparations the last few weeks and I had no doubts but now that it is time, I'm just not 100% sure that it is right, I'm doubting myself. I don't really know how to figure it out and at the same time I feel compelled to just follow the plan. What if this is wrong? I mean, I know it is wrong to actually commit suicide for most people but I was positive that it is the right thing for me up until right now.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    The emotional distress that clouds the mind and feeling of "doing something" tends to be pushed away by the adrenaline allowing sense and logic to come back into play. Partly survival instinct and partly common sense really.

    Now that you have proven to yourself you can focus and take steps to arrive at a goal use that knowledge and focus to take steps towards improvements that would make that goal unnecessary. Start by calling somebody, a friend, a hotline , whoever of if not possible then by sharing here what is going on that led up to this?

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I was going to say something similar. It sounds like you have focused a lot of time and energy into your demise, which may have been good time and energy which could go into wellness plans.
  4. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    Thank you for responding. I have focused a lot on it because it keeps me from having to look at the rest of my situation and it is a good way to avoid dealing with things that I find impossible right now.
    I have tried to get my head in a better place and worked with my therapist and even started an anti depressant. There just does not seem to be a way out of this darkness and the last few weeks it seems like the only thing that helps is rehearsing it all. So I was convinced that this is a sign of it being the right direction but now that it finally is here, I have doubts. I can't talk to anyone irl about it because it needs to absolutely look accidental.
    I don't know, I'm not really sure why I wrote in the first place and thanks for writing back.
  5. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    Riley2004...I am so glad that you reached out here at this forum. You really need to talk to someone, anyone, and tell them your plan. I can really relate to exactly how you are feeling right at this very moment. I, too, made a plan...for about a year. Except, I was 110% sure that I could follow through with it. I had it planned to the very details of the exact date, how I would do it. ...everything was finalized. When "the day" came....I just couldn't do it!!! I cannot honestly tell you why I couldn't do it...I just couldn't. Within a few days, I told my family of my plan. Things have begun to turn around ever so slightly for me. I still think about taking my life every single day...but I now know I don't really want to go through with it. Every time I have the thought....I look at a picture of my children and that helps the moment to pass.

    Please tellus more on how you are feeling. Tell someone what you are planning to do!!! I think from reading you post, the most important thing to do today is "do not" go anywhere in your car. If your doubting this....it is with good reason. I know that sometimes it seems like the only end to our problems. There are other ways. I hear what you are saying and more importantly, I understand what you are saying. I am asking you to talk to me, talk to anyone on this forum. It certainly saved my life...I want it to do the same for you. Keep coming back.....I will listen.
  6. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    Thanks for writing, it's really good that you are feeling a little better. It's very hard to get rid of the idea once you have it, isn't it?

    It used to be different because I had a different plan that was harder to carry out the right way. This one is so much easier to do that it is very seductive and tempting, you know?

    I just went out and drove for a little bit to see how it felt but it is not the time yet that would be ok for it all to work out. It was weird and kind of exciting in a funny way but also a little scary.
    You are right that it is probably not a good idea to go out this afternoon if I am doubting things because it would be so extremely easy to follow an impulse instead of thinking more.

    I don't know, I feel so confused now but when I think about not doing it, it is even worse because I do not believe I can handle what it would be like if I am still alive.
  7. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    I don't know if you have had the opportunity to read my thread. If you get a chance, read it. If nothing else, it will show you where I came from and where I am right now. I made some incredibly stupid choices in my life. My life just spiraled out of control. I chose to ignore my choices instead of facing them (my way of life for so long now). To me, my only option was to end it all. When I realized that I couldn't go through with it, my only other option was to face the music. I have been more anxious and stressed in the past few weeks (facing the music) than I ever was planning my demise. Along side of the anxiousness and stress, there is also a small sliver of hope and feeling of self worth. I have an extremely long road ahead of me, but I have promised myself to take it day to day.

    I don't know your background by your post but the mere fact that you are not sure if you have made the right decision to follow through tells me today is not the day!!!!!! What is it that is leading you to this choice? I don't know if I can help (can't seem to help myself these days) but I am certainly here to listen. Maybe, just maybe, we can help each other through. One lost soul to another. All I am asking is for you to resist the temptation for today....what is so important about today? What would tomorrow be like if you were still alive? I am not trying to pry, I am trying to help you see your sliver of hope through this dark cloud. It's there, I know it is!!! I'm here for you.
  8. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    I can't figure out what I am doing wrong but I can't see the reply that shows up in my email so I will copy and paste it here...

    <mod edit: deleted content, inappropriate>

    I just got back to my computer and had not been able to reply to the previous post. I'm sorry if this post pissed you off or upset you, I don't know what happened.
    It was kind of stupid to write about it, I don't really know why I did but you are right, I need to decide this for myself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2013
  9. elevatorpass

    elevatorpass Active Member

    hurting people left behind tends to stop it .. I've battled with suicidal thoughts for years.. but thinking of my family and friends
    and how much pain it would cause.. stops me

    it is tough Riley.. I wish you well in any you choose.. but however much thought one feel one has put into it.. there is room for more...

  10. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Hey Riley
    Im really concerned for you and your safety, please reach out and tell someone your plans and get assistance now.
    Can you talk about why you want to end it and what's making feel like ending it is the best option for you?
  11. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    I'm sorry, don't be concerned, I should never have written about it. I just really felt a need to talk for a little bit because I cannot say anything at all here irl. I'm not writing a note or anything, it must be natural looking and it would be.

    Stewie, thank you for writing also. Honestly, no one would be hurting if I do it. they won't know I did it on purpose and everyone has to adjust to deaths in your family or a friend all the t ime. it would not remain painful because of anyone wondering why.

    Stisme, I hope you continue on a good path, it sounds like it will be difficult for you and I hope you stay strong! I didn't read another thread, I don't know where it is.

    But it was such a long night and now another day is here and there are so many available times from now on and I'm going to have to just figure out when it would be if I decided to go.

    I'm not sure what even happened here where I posted because someone wrote a reply and I got it in my email and when I came to write back I couldn't see it. So I copied it from my email into my post and replied. Then I came back after I got another email and it was gone and it says it was inappropriate so I don't know what I did wrong.
    I didn't mean to be inappropriate and it is kind of ironic that I screwed up here as well as the rest of my life. ha ha.
  12. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    Here is how I feel in one sentence.

    Living isn't the same as just staying alive

    I read some stuff online about how to keep going hour by hour or one minute at a time or whatever works. I thought I would give it a shot to see if that is the right thing to do. So I have been trying it and it is exhausting and frustrating because I know I have a perfectly good solution right outside my house and I desperately want to take it.

    The way it is now I'm not living, I'm just staying alive. I do not know if I will be able to get back to the real living part.
    Keeping myself alive hour by hour seems futile if I do not know how to start really living again and I do not see any hope for that in the future.

    (thanks for explaining the post thing)
  13. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member


    Do you wanna wanna talk I am available now on the pm system or via the chat room.
    please don't consider suicide.
  14. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    Thanks for the offer, I'm sorry, I really do appreciate it but I can't do it on my phone because I guess the format for it does not work on Android or something.
    I really just need to go out and get some air and drive and maybe it will help. Keeping myself from driving is increasingly frustrating and I just need to stop it for a while and see what happens.
  15. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    Hey, skinnylove, if you are around, please write if you can. I PM'd you but I have no idea if it worked because it doesn't say any are sent. I can't stay here, I feel like it is the time to go and I just can't seem to stop it, I'm overwhelmed with it and it seems right but It's scaring me also and I'd be grateful for a word. I have my phone so I think I can read on it. bye
  16. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    hang in there. you know suicide is not the only option, right? sometimes it feels that way. i remember planning suicide many times, having everything right in front of me, once i had even started swallowing pills, but then in that moment i realized that i was happy that i had the choice to kill myself and not live. just like that, the other way around, you also have the choice to live. nothing can make you commit suicide, it's your choice. don't do it if you're scared - i mean, you shouldn't do it at all. it'd be a tragiv loss.
    you can fight this and you can get better. you can enjoy life. remember when you never even thought about suicide? or when you thought it was simply impossible to do that to yourself? things can change for the better again and you'll be proud of yourself to have stayed strong.
    try doing something that you know will calm you down, but will do you no harm. like excersize, drawing, reading etc.
    i'll be honest, i didn't read the whole thread but i saw your first and last few posts and i really do think you're strong enough to get through this, i know you are. do you have any kind of supporrt? anyone to talk to? that can help.
    stay safe ~
  17. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Hey riley

    I have replied to your pm threads and i am here if u ever wanna chat please feel free x apologies if i have only replied I have had a lot on today and couldnt be near my computer.
  18. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    Thank you scarlettdrknss

    I do remember a time when I never would have thought of suicide. It was the years in between my 1st attempt and last year. I can't see a future with me in it anymore, though.

    I failed today. I went out and spent a few hours and even got the iced tea and everything, went all the way to the place and sat there. I'm pissed and disappointed in myself. After deciding to leave, all the way home I cried because I could feel how easy it should have been and quiet and peaceful. Now I can't even try again until tomorrow.

    Thanks skinnylove. I wrote you. I hope you are feeling better.

    OMG. I just read about Boston. I can't believe this was happening while I was out. I wish I could have died for one of them.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 15, 2013
  19. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    I don't know what to do anymore, if someone has some advice or anything at all, I would be so thankful to hear it. I feel like things are swinging completely in the opposite direction. Instead of being calm and ready to go at the right time, I am agitated I guess is the word and it's hard to stop myself from leaving but I know the circumstances and time are not possible right now to have it work out as accidental.
    I went out early this morning and failed again to complete it and I think that's why I'm freaking out about it now and I'm sick of myself failing and I almost don't care anymore how it looks. But I know I MUST do it right or it will hurt a lot of people.
    AARRGGHHH! I need to be sedated! lol
  20. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Instead of putting so much effort into killing yourself, you could divert this effort into getting better. I know when you are rock bottom you cannot possibly see a way of getting better, but if you are at rock bottom it does not mean you are out of options. At rock bottom, there is only one way to go, and that is up. Reach out for some professional help because you do deserve to be well again.
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