Everything is so still

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by effervescentpsyche, Aug 16, 2008.

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  1. effervescentpsyche

    effervescentpsyche Well-Known Member

    Hi, I'm new and I've been dealing with this demon inside of me for as long as I can remember.

    As a child, I always had a strange fascination with death. I was very morbid, and alot of my teachers were concerned about me; but my parents said I was just creative and it was a phase.

    I was molested when I was seven, and that was when my distrust in society began. I don't remember when the thoughts of suicide occured to me...possibly around 12 or so. I have faith though so for the longest time I feared of going to Hell.

    I can't remember a time when I was happy, I try so hard...to fit in...to make friends...and for a little short time there I was doing a good job faking it to everyone, but inside there was something clawing at me. I tried to hard to ignore the feelings of the despair...but it was impossible.

    I went through so many failed relationships...most of which men cheated on me...insulted me...tore down my self esteem to where it's now nothing. I was married, and what a mistake that was....he was the reason for my first attempt...which landed me in the hospital with a 4 thousand dollar medical bill...man that just made me go in deeper...they keep sending me bills...and i'm just like what the heck is this?

    So I was divorced...I'm not living with a new boyfriend but I live 1 thousand miles away from my family. I haven't had a friend in a while now...I'm basically alone. Yes, I have my boyfriend...a boyfriend who told me he would be more attracted to me if I lost 30 pounds...so now I have trouble eating. It's almost 4 pm and all I had today was 3 pieces of sushi and a cup of hot tea.


    I've been becoming physically abusive to myself as well as mentally. I just don't see the point of my life...I'm an adult now so it's all just so hard knowing that I really don't have much going for me. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life...I hate school...I hate work...people hate me for some reason...I try to be friends with people...but for some reason they just don't like me...I cry almost every night. I just pray to God begging him either to don't let me wake up the next morning or to at least have a friend.


    My life is at a stand still...I feel so....I feel like there's something trying to tear apart my heart and I hurt myself so I don't feel that pain inside...anything is better then feeling this pain inside. I tell my parents it's alright because they are so far away....if they knew they'd tell me to go back to the hospital which would be another 1k or 2k...I'm sorry I'm not paying that kind of money...and I don't want them too.


    Sometimes I feel that happiness and peace of mind was never meant for me. That some people have to be this way because everyone can't be content...that this was the way God intended me to be and there's not a darn thing that I can do about it.

    I don't want alot out of life....I just want a couple of friends to get me through the day....but I find myself alone....and I don't really push people away...I mean I've tried...but everyone is just so different from me...they think I'm a freak, which makes me hate myself even more.


    I just wish I was dead.
     
  2. jamie20m

    jamie20m Well-Known Member

    At least you have been in a relationship. Some people never have and never will. And some people dont have any living family either. But stay strong for yourself. There are good people and good men in this world.
     
  3. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Hi effervescentpsyche,

    Sounds like you've been going through some difficult times. I too suffered abuse when I was young - from what you have described about yourself it sounds like you may be suffering from post traumatic stress - I have felt the same way - no one liking me, feeling like something bad is inside me, and feeling awkward and isolated in social places.

    Have you considered going to see a counselor? Depending on your financial circumstances some will work with you to make payment arrangements which won't break the bank - at least I've found counselors who are willing to do this.

    Also, if your boyfriend is telling you your not beautiful, and belittling you he's not really much of a boyfriend. You can get better men (though I know good men are far and few between).

    Good luck and hang in there! PM or IM me if you want to vent or talk.
     
  4. effervescentpsyche

    effervescentpsyche Well-Known Member

    listen I know other people don't have families...and don't have boyfriends...but there are tons of people who do have boyfriends...family and great lives....

    here's the thing, I only live my life and that's it. I'm not one of those people who go...oh...poor them I'm so lucky...believe me if I was one of those people...life would be easier for me....I see both sides....and I'm in the middle...but I want to be like those freaking lucky people who have a freaking great life. I know some people say happiness is a state of mind...if it is then I guess i'll never be happy.
     
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I hope you had him arrested. Send his ass to jail. Once it gets out that he is a child mollester his fellow inmates will take care of him!!! This should help give you some closure on the pain you deal with because of it.
    I am a 51 year old male. I know that most men are dogs. There are some like myself who are always getting abused by women. Everyone I have been with has cheated on me. The reason is usually the same. I am boring because I work all the time so they can blow our income. My last fiance ripped me off for $18,000 and never looked back. I couldn't file charges because I voluntarily deposited the money in our joint account where she took the money out and put it in another account with only her name was on it.
    If you need to vent or talk just PM me!!! Good Luck.....
     
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