Just got back from seeing my psychiatrist. I have been honest with him and I told him about my racing thoughts, agitation, delusions, suicidal thoughts, lack of sleep etc. He really listened to me and is noting the patterns in my mood and he mentioned I could be rapid cycling, which I think I probably am. But he also thinks that I am quite sensitive to medication which is contributing to the rapid cycling. Last time I saw him he started me back on Lamotrigine after I had quit my meds some months ago (bad idea I know) and I was up to 50mg AM and 50mg PM. He thinks that the increase in Lamotrigine has been too sudden for me and didn't want to increase it anymore although he knows it's not at therapeutic dose, but he can see that slowly it is beginning to work. He said there is no doubt in his mind that I need an anti psychotic to help stabilise my moods and also deal with the racing thoughts and agitation I get when I get manic or start heading into a mixed episode. But he mentioned that because I am really sensitive to medications I cannot titrate the dose too quickly so he has started me on back on Quetiapine 25mg for 6 weeks until I see him next and has reduced the Lamotrigine to 75mg. He said if the Quetiapine helps with slowing the thoughts down and help with sleep, he can begin to increase the Lamotrigine again then titrate the Quetiapine up slowly. He said that it is going to be a long battle to get me to the point where I am stable. Although I am pleased I finally have a psychiatrist who actually listens and genuinely cares, I am really disappointed that it's going to take a long time to reach stability to titrate my medications up. I know it's always a battle to find the right medication combinations but I feel like it's just going to be so slow to get me to a point where I will hopefully reach stability. And there is no guarantee that these medications will stabilise my moods. I am hopeful that they will, as I took Quetiapine before and it was one of the only medications that I have taken that seems to help, but I am just dreading the side effects. I really didn't want to go back on it because of my job and the grogginess that comes with it, but he said if it works then you need to take it. I do get his point, and maybe if I titrate slowly I will reach a point where I won't feel as groggy anymore. I know there is no quick fix and I haven't always helped myself due to my non compliance for one reason or another which has probably significantly delayed the process, but I don't know, it's such a bummer It's not the news I wanted to hear, and it makes me wonder what the point of it all is. Why should I keep on battling when all it will be is a battle. Why should I keep battling just to learn to live with life and just "cope", wondering when the next relapse will be? I want to live, not just exist. I have had such good news in the past couple of weeks that left me feeling hopeful, and now it just seems like 1 step forward, 10 steps back. I know I can't let this drag me down but I do feel very disappointed and bummed out about it.