Everything is such a constant battle

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Jul 9, 2015.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Just got back from seeing my psychiatrist. I have been honest with him and I told him about my racing thoughts, agitation, delusions, suicidal thoughts, lack of sleep etc. He really listened to me and is noting the patterns in my mood and he mentioned I could be rapid cycling, which I think I probably am. But he also thinks that I am quite sensitive to medication which is contributing to the rapid cycling. Last time I saw him he started me back on Lamotrigine after I had quit my meds some months ago (bad idea I know) and I was up to 50mg AM and 50mg PM. He thinks that the increase in Lamotrigine has been too sudden for me and didn't want to increase it anymore although he knows it's not at therapeutic dose, but he can see that slowly it is beginning to work. He said there is no doubt in his mind that I need an anti psychotic to help stabilise my moods and also deal with the racing thoughts and agitation I get when I get manic or start heading into a mixed episode. But he mentioned that because I am really sensitive to medications I cannot titrate the dose too quickly so he has started me on back on Quetiapine 25mg for 6 weeks until I see him next and has reduced the Lamotrigine to 75mg. He said if the Quetiapine helps with slowing the thoughts down and help with sleep, he can begin to increase the Lamotrigine again then titrate the Quetiapine up slowly. He said that it is going to be a long battle to get me to the point where I am stable.

    Although I am pleased I finally have a psychiatrist who actually listens and genuinely cares, I am really disappointed that it's going to take a long time to reach stability to titrate my medications up. I know it's always a battle to find the right medication combinations but I feel like it's just going to be so slow to get me to a point where I will hopefully reach stability. And there is no guarantee that these medications will stabilise my moods. I am hopeful that they will, as I took Quetiapine before and it was one of the only medications that I have taken that seems to help, but I am just dreading the side effects. I really didn't want to go back on it because of my job and the grogginess that comes with it, but he said if it works then you need to take it. I do get his point, and maybe if I titrate slowly I will reach a point where I won't feel as groggy anymore. I know there is no quick fix and I haven't always helped myself due to my non compliance for one reason or another which has probably significantly delayed the process, but I don't know, it's such a bummer

    It's not the news I wanted to hear, and it makes me wonder what the point of it all is. Why should I keep on battling when all it will be is a battle. Why should I keep battling just to learn to live with life and just "cope", wondering when the next relapse will be? I want to live, not just exist. I have had such good news in the past couple of weeks that left me feeling hopeful, and now it just seems like 1 step forward, 10 steps back. I know I can't let this drag me down but I do feel very disappointed and bummed out about it.
  2. What

    What Active Member

    Hey there I am on the battlefield with you. I started 5mg of Zyprexa a week ago and so far it is only working on some symptoms such as anger issues, but other symptoms are still getting worse or at best just not better. My pdoc also says we have to start out at a low dosage, I have to be on 5mg for 4 weeks before going up or adding something new, or worst case finding out it's the wrong med and having to start all over with something else. I don't really have anything good to say because you are right, this does just seriously suck and seems to be a terrible slow-motion battle, and I never see any signs that it might be over soon. But I am with you on the battlefield.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I feel you you hun, it is not easy. I am glad you got a psych you like and you trust and who listens.It's a tough game trying to get well if they said it will take time I don't think they were dashing your hopes but actually lifting up up by saying that things will eventually get better for you. I am so glad you have all this in front of you and to look forward to. Best of luck hun! Chin up :)

    Edit: just tried to ring you to see if you are okay,went to voicemail if you wanna talk ive low lost international calls pet :hugs:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 9, 2015
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    What - It can take a while for medication to start to kick in, it can take up to 6 weeks and then you often need to titrate the dose upwards to reach a dose that is effective for you. You may also need a combination of medications to keep stable and it does take time. I have been on many medications before, and for Lamotrigine and Quetiapine it will be my second time trying them, but this time in combination together rather than on their own or with other medications. I've been battling mental illness since I was a child and I am now almost 25 so I know it's a slow process that seems to be relentless.

    Petal - Sorry I was driving when you called lol I was just literally 2 mins away from my house! I feel a bit better about it all now, not as upset. Still feel disappointed but I guess I've just got to work at it, right? I have been keeping myself occupied this afternoon as I've got a presentation to do on Saturday at a recruitment event at work so that has been keeping me busy.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Good, keeping yourself occupied is good :)

    No worries about the call hun, i know you do be very busy at times :) Good luck with the presentation.
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Sorry Butterfly about the pace of the medication dosage journey for you but I do like your educational explaination of why medications need to be slow for some people like you this is an educative thread for many struggling with medications and I truly hope they do find this thread helpful for them to give more hope and medications another chance.

  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Thank you DrownedFishOnFire. There is no doubt that medications do work but they are not the magic fix that everybody hopes for. It is usually a combination of medications, therapy and good self management and self care that achieves stability. Even when shit hit the fan and I quit my meds and got myself stuck in a hole, I continued with my therapy and then that helped me back on the right track of getting back onto meds and good self management. It is disappointing that it will take a long time to get the right balance of my medications, but my psychiatrist assured me that we would get there and is going to ensure I stay on the minimum of 6 weekly appointments to get my medications right and I can always ring him in the mean time if I need to. I feel better about the situation today and will carry on the battle!
  8. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I understand Lexi. And I get so tired of the fight.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 10, 2015
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