So I can hardly bear the shit any more. My life is no blessing, though I probably shouldn't complain relative to others lives. My face is somewhat grotesque, though I hide it, I am meek, small and unattractive. and I smell bad beyond anything I have done to try to fix it. I can't stand going to school or associating with people anymore. I won't be able to hold a job, or volunteer to help people, or have many friends, because I am embarassed to disgrace other people with my weak, stupid, stinking presence. My parents got divorced when I was young, and my dad had a couple accidental kids with a lazy, bitch of an alcoholic. I can't see him much anymore because I would have to deal with the whole stressful load of shit. So messed up. There are so many things wrong with the world. I couldn't begin. Philosophically, politically, socially, religiously, day to day life, and everything. People starve and suffer and all that crap. People are too stupid to solve any problems in the world if it has taken this long. Civilization is a black hole. The best of men cannot rid the world of ignorance, prejudice, and egoism leads to injustice. The natural state of things is no better. I am powerless, or at least less powerful than all of history's great influences that society has so mindlessly dismissed. I am a theoretical humanist, but I can't find any humanity to root for. The world sucks and I can't even help people. I can't do anything. I want to become a hermit, but I couldn't make it on my own. Besides my depression makes me lazy, and I couldn't support my own sad life. I regret most of everything that has ever been done, and much of what I do. I waste my life, and most life is a waste. I'm serious about this. I'm not goth or anything. I'm into philosophy. I think it was Camus who said the only real philosophical problem is whether or not to commit suicide. Well, I'm having a lot of philosophical problems, but I think that is becoming one more and more everyday. I've never tried it though, I don't think I could out of fear and of not wanting to emotionally burden those around me more than necessary in this already much too burdening world. But I don't know what else I would do for the rest of my life. Therapists can't help me (I've tried three). They only want my money. Besides they are annoyed by my smell and my knowing that they are fake. No one can help me...I'm coming to this conclusion, but I still grasp onto life and to things I enjoy looking for an answer. None has ever come. Damn.