Everything I've ever wanted was within my reach, but then I ruined everything.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by A_New_Man, Sep 30, 2009.

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  1. A_New_Man

    A_New_Man Well-Known Member

    One year ago, I met the most interesting, intelligent, beautiful, and overall enchanting young woman I will ever meet. She was truly one of a kind. She had more charm and wit and compassion than I'd ever hoped to find in a person. She was everything I had ever wanted in a girl. I felt as though this woman had been created just for me.

    We met in a college class, and hit it off right from the start. We simply got along. There was immediate chemistry. We just worked well together. We had the same tastes and sense of humor, and inside jokes between us began cropping up within the first few hours.

    As the weeks went by, she gave me little flirtatious hints that she was interested in me. It felt presumptuous to think that a woman this amazing could actually like me. Whenever she flirted with me, I refused to believe it. I told myself that I was just imagining things.

    But, as each week passed and we became more acquainted with one another, it became more and more difficult to remain in denial. Eventually, I started to accept the possibility that she was interested in me...and I was definitely deeply interested in her. The sheer beauty of this situation was unfathomable to me, a 20-year-old who had never known romance before.

    Although we never truly confessed our infatuation for one another, I did confess that I had never been kissed in all my 20 years. She responded by making out with me passionately, an experience I can still recall in vivid detail one full year later. It's hard to forget the best moment of your life.

    I was ecstatic, and looking forward to such a wonderful experience happening again...but after that day, she became distant. After she kissed me, she started paying less attention to me, speaking to me less frequently, and never brought up the subject again. After a while, I gathered my courage and asked her what her feelings were. She told me that it wasn't a convenient time in her life for emotional attachment - and beyond that, she didn't think that she was girlfriend material. She told me that there wouldn't be any more physical intimacy, and that there would be no relationship.

    I understood her reasoning. Her logic was completely rational and I couldn't fault her for her decision. I knew that I would simply have to accept her choice and live with it.

    But it hurt. It hurt bad. And it still hurts.

    It's been over a year since these events took place, but even after all this time, I still feel like I'm being hit by a train in slow motion. I don't know what to do. This situation feels unreal to me; I am unattractive, boring, nerdy, and no girl has ever shown interest in me before in my life - and then, out of nowhere, I find my dream girl, the woman of my fantasies...and she actually likes me back. But then, just as soon as she's given me the first affection I'd ever received and I start to feel hope that my life is about to turn around for the better, she estranges herself from me and tells me that it's all over.

    During the time that she was expressing interest in me, all of my self-loathing and lack of confidence was buried and invisible. While I was with her, I was happy and confident and proud of myself. And now that she is gone, all of my insecurity has returned. I am again unconfident about my looks, I am again afraid that no girl could ever want me, and I am especially worried that I will never find anyone like her again. I often lie in bed for hours, heavy with grief, mourning the loss of the one girl who ever wanted me. During the time I knew her, I no longer felt the fears and anguish I had suffered for so many years. Now the one piece of happiness in my life is gone, and I'm left with nothing but worries and anxiety.

    I'm 21 years old, and I've been enrolled in college for three years now - but to this day, I've never met anyone who has come anywhere close to matching that woman. She remains the only person I've ever known to have every one of my favorite traits, to embody everything I've ever wished for in a girl.

    She was one in a million...no. She was one of a kind.

    I'll never find another woman like her. Not for as long as I live. Even if it actually is possible for me to find another girl who could like me, there is no chance that she could be as wonderful as that woman. I feel as though every other girl in the world is inferior to her. Whether I like it or not, I always wind up comparing every female I meet to that woman, and they always come up short.

    We stayed in touch after she told me that there would not be anything between us. A while ago, I hinted at the idea of a relationship between us. She simply said, "That ship sailed a long time ago." Her feelings for me are gone now. She wanted me once, but she'll never want me again. The conversation ended on bad terms, and after that, she simply stopped contacting me.

    I must ask for help. What can I do at this point? I know that there is nothing I can do about her, nothing I can do to fix things or make her change her mind. But what am I going to do with myself? I'll live the rest of my life with the memories we shared, the memory of meeting the perfect girl, meeting the only girl in the world who actually found me to be attractive. I'll live the rest of my life remembering that I lost her, that I can't have her, that I'll never have what I truly want. How am I supposed to live this way? How am I supposed to find happiness like this? How am I supposed to concentrate on other things, knowing that everything I've ever wanted was within my reach, but then I lost it all?

    I cannot look at other women without being reminded of her. I cannot even think of women, or romance, or relationships, without thinking of her. I have so many memories of our short time together that almost everything can (and does) remind me of her.

    The heartache is one thing, but sleep deprivation is a different beast altogether. It is quite literally impossible to sleep when she is on my mind, and missing so much rest so many times has impacted my life in several negative ways. I write this on another sleepless night; for six hours I've tossed and turned restlessly, able to do nothing but play back every memory of her, and recall every embarrassing mistake I made, every humiliating error. It is a ritual that repeats itself every few nights, like a recurring nightmare I must endure while awake.

    I cannot live like this any longer.

    What can I do? How will I be able to live the rest of my life after losing my only chance at love? One year later, the pain is no more bearable, and the memories are no less vivid. Time has healed nothing. What can possibly be done to cure me of this heartache and allow me to live a normal life?

    If I will be forced to live every day regretting my loss, then I must say that the rest of my life is not promising at all.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You did not loose she just was not ready for a relationship What you do is stop pining over her and move on. Look for different types of women quit comparing people everyone is unique. Look for another women with her own unique qualities. You are young and if you were attractive to her you will be to others
    Don't shut your eyes to new possibilities
  3. i wish i could tell you some advice...but i am in the same situation myself. it has only been a few months since it became obvious i will never be with him.... and my friends keep telling me time will heal my wounds. to see you, a year later... still feeling as i do... it makes it even worse...
    anyways, i just wanted to tell you that i understand... and i wish i could tell you something to help...
  4. CSouth

    CSouth New Member

    I know exactly how you are feeling, it is truly a unique and utterly miserable feeling. I was in the same situation, but only for a period of about 6 months. It was one of the main reasons I left home, I had to cut off all ties that connected me to her. Even now, after consciously working to get better, I still see her when I look at other girls or smell her when I am near others. The flood of memories and the nauseating self disgust wells up again inside of me for a short moment.

    I wish I new the best way to get over someone such as this. Our relationship had gone a lot further down the line than your situation, which didn't help the cause. But for me I decided that I was going to live my life and if God willed us to be together then it would happen. Since then I have met many girls and unfortunately I have lined them up against her and threw them out without really giving them a chance. I think I have found one, another unique girl, who is totally different and amazing in so many different ways that there really is no comparison. The cool thing is, YOU will too!

    What I'm saying is, your not going to find someone to replace her. Its not going to happen. She will always be in your heart and be a part of you. But you will find someone, who is nothing like you expected, and will fill all the emptiness and doubt inside you. I promise, its so hard to see it right now, but I WILL happen! Believe!
  5. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    Listen, from one man to another, this is what you do:

    1.) Buy a six-pack of beer.
    2.) Buy your favorite liquor.
    3.) Download porn.
    4.) Get drunk.
    5.) Hate-wank.
    6.) Get up with a hangover, drink some water, and tell yourself, "I'm too good for her anyway. I'm intelligent, I'm smart, and I DON'T NEED HER."

    And stop looking for love. When it's ready, it'll find you.

    I went through a similar circumstance when I was younger. Found the girl I thought was perfect, proposed to her, started planning a wedding . . . and then she dumped me. Said I didn't meet her standards or some shit. I fell into a deep depression. And she laughed at me.

    We broke up in 2004. I spent a year and a half in a daze, wondering what I was going to do with myself. Finally, I had a panic attack and got admitted for 24 hours to the hospital. And it was then that I realized that I had allowed myself to define myself through HER, and it was making me fucking miserable.

    I'm not her. I'm my own person. I can stand on my own two feet and allow my successes to speak for the type of man that I am, and I refuse to let the whims of some manipulative woman speak for me.

    I changed career paths, got onto some mood stabilizers, and I'm the happiest now that I've ever been in years. Still not married (my long-term goal is to start a family,) but I'm dating again and having fun.

    By the way, I read her MySpace years later. Married some dude who's fat and disgusting with a huge beard. She's trying to support his sorry ass while he farts around with an art degree while working at Target. Complains on her blog about having her parents help her out and about how she has to take her family vacations to the Magic Kingdom because it's the only place they can really afford (they live in Florida, by the way . . .)

    Meanwhile, I've gotten my degree, dated women more attractive, visited over a dozen countries and make a significantly higher salary to boot.

    Guess who's laughing now?

    My point is this: keep at it. Don't allow her to define you. It's going to suck, and it's OK to take a knee for a little while. While I don't really advocate getting angry, it's obvious that you need some motivation--find something that makes you feel like you're contributing again, and move from there. I'm only saying "anger" because it fundamentally worked for me.

    Try some volunteer work. Or going to the gym. Get involved with a weight lifting group or a swim team or a running team at the university. Or drama. Do something for you, and then start living for you.

    And she can go get bent. :cool:
  6. TheDayThatNeverComes

    TheDayThatNeverComes Active Member

    Wow man..I read your post and must say..it was pretty amazing..I totally felt it. You have a way with the words. You should become a writer or something, get rich, some sweet chick will notice you soon enough ;)

    Seriously. All I can think of is, date date date.. there is no other way to forget about that girl you was talking about and let the pain go other than replace those memories with new memories of a new person in your life. It's as simple as that. I know it may feel like 'replace HER?you must be out of your head, there's no way in the world I am letting go of the best memories of my life'.. but I'm afraid the pain will only get worse over time..

    Date man. And take a look outside of your window. Los Angeles..my goodness I'd sell my soul to live there..
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