everything or nothing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jhvk, Mar 8, 2007.

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  1. jhvk

    jhvk New Member

    Hey everyone,

    I find it stupid that I registered myself here. Sort of confirming my want to die. I wanted somewhere to write my thoughts down somewhere, but I want to be able to erase all of it if I do kill myself. I wanted most of all to talk to others about this and to here about there thoughts, and also make them feel good if I can.
    I used to cut in my wrists but I stopped a few months ago because I thought it was ridiculous. My friends don't know that I did this and will never know and they laughed with it (the "emo" culture). I don't know why I used to do that, because I felt miserable and empty then. Well it stopped for a while and now I feel like that again, but I don't want to. I want to be happy and enjoy life, I have so much possibilities, I'm still young, I can do anything I want with my life, but I always keep thinking about killing myself, about quitting. Because I feel empty and useless and meaningles and without real emotions.
    I'd say it like that: if you are a novel then I'm an empty page. That is how I've been feeling the latest years.
    So this latest thing, that is why I came here, to get rid of it in some way. I don't like to feel down, and in an other way I actually do, to be without emotions or something, to not care for a while. I don't like it when I'm being like this, thinking about how miserable I am because it makes me feel selfish and that's the last thing I want to be. I also don't like to read other people's depressed messages on here, because I kind of think people have a choice feeling good or not (I know that this is not true). I don't understand why one can not just get better out of being depressed, and you know, "seize the day". I want to do this too but I keep thinking about how useless I am, about I see no future for me, and that I have no idea about what I am going to do in say 2 years.
    I often start to write in a diary, because it makes me feel meaningful, but I hate everything I write. I hate to read it and to know that there is a ridiculous book somewhere in my room with all my ridiculous thoughts in it. But this is not because I'm afraid someone might read it. I don't know why it is. So I often just destroyed it, and then after a while I start again. You would say putting your thoughts on the internet is even worse for me than writing a diary but it isn't I think.
    Anyway I have a very happy life, I have a nice amount of relatively good friends, I have nothing to feel bad for, but I feel like a fool every day and every day I think about killing myself. I want to get rid of this but how do you do this? In fact, writing this makes me wonder about how stupid it is to come here.
    I didn't go to school today because I felt bad yesterday night and I decided in my bed that I wouldn't go. Maybe because my friends would be worried about me which would make me feel good but they're not?
    I have basically everything one can dream of: family, friends, a person that I'm in love with.
    I've never had a relationship with anyone. Used to think that it was never going to happer either. No one has ever been in love with me. But the fact that people fall in love with someone for no reason gives me a little hope perhaps. But I still think it won't happen.
    I'm not sure of my current mood actually. I'm gonna write something again in a few days to see if anything has changed.

    I always think, I have to choose everything or nothing, but not something in between. Or I continue with my life happy and carpe diem-like, or I just drop it all and quit. I don’t like myself nagging about this, feeling sorry for myself for no reason for indefinite time, thinking about quitting or not.
    It’s everything or nothing, and I currently prefer everything I think.
    I feel like I don’t have the right to write this here about me because I’m not exactly suicidal or anything at the moment, but writing this sort of makes me feel better.
    So you're thinking what is the problem anyway? I don't know.:dry:

    Bye and I wish everyone of you the best,
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi J...welcome...one thing you wrote struck me as so wise, that you view the world as all or nothing at all, and nothing in between...the great majority of life is in the middle, neither good nor bad, but OK...I have had to teach myself to find more of the mid-ground because I was much like that as well...either i am a good person, or a bad person...I have found that most of the time, I am doing things that do not reflect my worth in this way...it was my distorted way of trying to make sense of things that I could not wrap my mind around, and viewed the world from a rather split perspective...all of this to say, that finding the gray, and not categorizing things as either black or white has relieved some of the pain for me...welcome again, and I truly hope you decide to stay...big hugs, Jackie
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