My whole life I have never had any emotional ties to anything. Whether it is ties to family, friends, or anything that should make me feel proud of what I did like... I dunno, graduating or getting a drivers license. I constantly wear a guise of happiness around everyone, but when I'm alone the mask slips off, and I'm back to being nothing but a shell. This lack of emotion was broken by a very special girl I met. She was funny, smart, beautiful, a little nerdy, and I treated her like a goddess for the last three years of my life. I wished on everything superstitious that we would be together forever. We did everything together, people often joked about us being attached at the hip. We decided to go to the same university where I wanted to take biology. After the second year of university rolled around, I decided that I didn't like what I was doing, and told her I was going to drop out after first semester. She didn't voice any concerns, everything just kind of went along. During the winter break between semesters she suddenly grew very distant from me. I just thought she wanted to visit family and friends and I was cool with that. Mind you, I was not a control freak. Together, we even booked a flight where I would visit her at school. I get there and she doesn't seem very happy to see me, actually the first thing she said after "hi", went something like, "when are you leaving?" But yea, time comes that it's time for me to go home, she tells me she loves me and kissed me goodbye. I call her 3 days after I get home, and she blindsides me saying that were breaking up. I was completely destroyed by this, I couldn't think of anything to say, so she said bye, and hung up. Trying to get ahold of her was impossible unless I texted her, where it was officially ended. (Yea, after 3 years of worshipping her it ends in texts.) Well anyway, it's been 3 months since she broke up with me and I'm back in this emotionally vegetable state with a giant void inside me, pain is all I feel now. Every waking moment I think about killing myself. My legs, bruised and cut from beating myself with whatever I can find. I look at objects laying around my house and think about creative ways to kill myself, with that item. I've come close a couple times, almost shooting my adams apple with my paintball gun. Which I found rather fitting seeing as how it's the only thing I have in this sad life. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is that thought of her feeling guilty, but even that is losing its novelty very quickly. I know I would not feel any guilt before killing myself, I'm only a walking talking protein. And the dreams I have... they are the worst, sometimes I dream about her with me, us in bed cuddling or something, only to wake up and realize I will never feel that ever again. I have dreams where I follow through with killing myself, and I swear, they are the best dreams I've ever had, until I wake up and find myself still in this world. But anyway, I have to stop typing, my eyes are getting foggy from looking at a picture of us during prom, remembering what her dress felt like, and after when we I had to pull out the pins holding her hair in place, and how we laughed at her hair after as it was hard as a rock from all the hairspray. I know she is lost to me forever, and I must suffer through the rest of my existence, (hopefully) cut short or not.