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Everything until now.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mystified, Apr 3, 2010.

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  1. Mystified

    Mystified New Member

    My whole life I have never had any emotional ties to anything. Whether it is ties to family, friends, or anything that should make me feel proud of what I did like... I dunno, graduating or getting a drivers license. I constantly wear a guise of happiness around everyone, but when I'm alone the mask slips off, and I'm back to being nothing but a shell.

    This lack of emotion was broken by a very special girl I met. She was funny, smart, beautiful, a little nerdy, and I treated her like a goddess for the last three years of my life. I wished on everything superstitious that we would be together forever.

    We did everything together, people often joked about us being attached at the hip. We decided to go to the same university where I wanted to take biology. After the second year of university rolled around, I decided that I didn't like what I was doing, and told her I was going to drop out after first semester. She didn't voice any concerns, everything just kind of went along.

    During the winter break between semesters she suddenly grew very distant from me. I just thought she wanted to visit family and friends and I was cool with that. Mind you, I was not a control freak. Together, we even booked a flight where I would visit her at school.

    I get there and she doesn't seem very happy to see me, actually the first thing she said after "hi", went something like, "when are you leaving?" But yea, time comes that it's time for me to go home, she tells me she loves me and kissed me goodbye.

    I call her 3 days after I get home, and she blindsides me saying that were breaking up. I was completely destroyed by this, I couldn't think of anything to say, so she said bye, and hung up. Trying to get ahold of her was impossible unless I texted her, where it was officially ended. (Yea, after 3 years of worshipping her it ends in texts.)

    Well anyway, it's been 3 months since she broke up with me and I'm back in this emotionally vegetable state with a giant void inside me, pain is all I feel now.

    Every waking moment I think about killing myself. My legs, bruised and cut from beating myself with whatever I can find. I look at objects laying around my house and think about creative ways to kill myself, with that item.

    I've come close a couple times, almost shooting my adams apple with my paintball gun. Which I found rather fitting seeing as how it's the only thing I have in this sad life. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is that thought of her feeling guilty, but even that is losing its novelty very quickly. I know I would not feel any guilt before killing myself, I'm only a walking talking protein.

    And the dreams I have... they are the worst, sometimes I dream about her with me, us in bed cuddling or something, only to wake up and realize I will never feel that ever again. I have dreams where I follow through with killing myself, and I swear, they are the best dreams I've ever had, until I wake up and find myself still in this world.

    But anyway, I have to stop typing, my eyes are getting foggy from looking at a picture of us during prom, remembering what her dress felt like, and after when we I had to pull out the pins holding her hair in place, and how we laughed at her hair after as it was hard as a rock from all the hairspray. I know she is lost to me forever, and I must suffer through the rest of my existence, (hopefully) cut short or not.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I was very touched by your story and am sorry that you have had your heart hurt by what is obviously a deep love of this woman.

    I must say that one thought that struck me really strongly in reading your post was when you stated that you will never feel that love again. I do not think that is true at all!!!! I used to think that way- right after I got dumped..ironic? No just a part of the process of healing our hearts from a lost love. See we FEEL as if we will never love again but that is just that a feeling and not a reality.

    You sound like a romantic as I am too. If that is so then you believe that there is a special someone out there for you and therefore there is hope that you will find her soon.
    If it is in fact this woman then you two will get back together. If is not her then it is only a matter of time till your true love shows up and you have that aspect of your life as you wish.

    I am sorry if my words are not that helpful as I am dealing with a bad bad headache but I was touched by your story and wanted to reach out to you...please know I heard what you had to say, relate to your heartache and care about you....even if my reply is crappy I do care just not feeling too well.

    Take care and keep talking it out it helps...:arms:
  3. Lunar Pixie

    Lunar Pixie Member

    the way you explain, i believe that what keeps you unhappy is how you handle human relationships, it seems for you a person is like a personal property, you need to detach yourself from such thinking so you manage to continue to live and meeting new people, so you stop feeling so sad, so you feel like the thing you and her had was a chapter, a experience, one of many, in your life,

    continue to live, to explore, and never loose it, always be sane of mind, coz i kno people who feel like this sometimes do not channel their rage and end up killing or raping etc, dont be weak and become strong, be a example of a person.
  4. Mystified

    Mystified New Member

    Well, I'm looking for a way forward. I tried cleaning out my room of her stuff like someone suggested, because stuff that reminds me of her is everywhere. It was going fairly well until I came across the present she gave me for my 17th birthday. If I told you what this item was, you would know that this cut me really deep inside.

    For some reason I called her, pretty desperate for any way to move forward. She actually answered this time around. I said what I had to say, and I think she told me what I needed to hear. Even though she was saying that we would probably never be together again. Then I said my goodbyes.

    At first it felt good, rather proud of myself. But now it has left me feeling not happy or sad. I still have these suicidal feelings, but this feels weird. What I'm feeling is very strange, and it's scaring me.

    I've even planned out my suicide if it comes down to it. Where, how, the letter(s) I would leave behind. I don't mean to, my mind just sort of drifts to these dark thoughts. This feeling is scaring me.

    I've tried everything to distract me. I tried geocaching, yard work, soccer, squash, anything really. The only thing that can keep my mind busy for more than 20 minutes is paintballing (but I think that is because each round usually ends with pain).

    Thanks for the replies so far guys it's good to know someone is listening.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey you found someone then you grew apart You can find someone else you know you can just have to work on it thats all. Long distant relationships don't work well. Find someone close with the same interest as you. Get connected again through classes taken or group activities get out there okay meet new people You had one relationship time to have more okay you can You are grieving a loss that is normal but try okay to get out and live again.
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