Everything will be ok tomorrow

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Zodi, Jun 10, 2007.

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  1. Zodi

    Zodi Anitiquities Friend

    I was a dumb ass and decided to trust. Totally backfired on me. In a huge bad way.

    I will die tomorrow.
  2. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Hey im sorry your hurting.i know how difficult trust can be.i have issues with it myself and experience of how painful it can be when its betrayed.

    Want to say a bit more about whats up when your ready?

    Perhaps allow yourself a little while to deal with this before making any solid decisions on where to go from here?
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    How are you doing Zodi? It is very painful when you feel as if someone you trusted let you down. Maybe we can talk about what happened and why. I hope you are safe. Please take care. :hug:
  4. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Hope youre safe Zodi :hug: Dont let others bring you down, youre stronger then you think :arms:
    Lots of love,
    Beret xxx
  5. KyleKW

    KyleKW Well-Known Member

    "...dumb ass and decided to trust. Totally backfired on me."

    Hi Zodi... Wow, cannot tell you how much that sums up my current situation. I won't go into all that -- it's on a couple threads I started if interested -- but I can completely understand and relate. Finally lowered my barriers to let someone 'special' in, thinking this could last the rest of my life, and BAM... backfired so badly. Please share your story with this forum. I am still in a bad place myself but it realy DOES HELP to write out your words, vent and scream your heart out that way, nobody here judges and they probably offer the best e-support possible.

    Don't die over this... Sounds cliche but it isn't worth it. I hope you log back on and tell us more.
  6. Zodi

    Zodi Anitiquities Friend

    Its not just that. It is a whole cumulation of events that have happened over the course of my life.

    I grew up obese. I can't tell you how hard that is for someone in their formative years to go through that. If I liked a boy, he got teased unmercifully so I just learned to put up walls to keep me safe. As a joke, I was nominated for homecoming queen.

    I lost a bunch of weight but how I was treated when I was young still held firm. It still does, some 20+ years later. I have a very hard time trusting people.

    When I was thin, I dated a guy for a few years and became pregnant. He left soon after that. A recent college grad with a baby. I had to choose a career or motherhood and I chose motherhood. I worked part time, got some food stamps and medical for my son. I went back to school when he went into kindergarden and became a paralegal.

    Upon my second graduation I got an OK job with bennies and met my ex. We were together for 7 years..2 of them engaged. I became pregnant with my daughter and a year and a half later, we split up. I couldn't trust him. I guess in some way I did love him, but we never really communicated. We both were/are computer geeks but he spent most of his time on the computer while I took care of the kids and the home. He was free to do whatever he wanted with his friends but I couldn't. I tried once. He fed our daughter graham crackers for dinner so that was the end of that. Never again was I to leave her in his exclusive care when she was so young.

    So we split up and I strike up an internet friendship. I knew him long before we really started talking so I know what he has told me is honest. Well, about his past and such.

    Starting in January of 2006, I lost everything. I lost my job (fairly good paying), my insurance, my credit (bankruptcy for the win), my apartment and my dignity. I had to move back into my parent's home with my kids since I cannot afford rent on my own. I do refuse to go on subsided housing because I want a safe place for my kids to grow up. Talk about whammies for the old mental health.

    December of 2006 I tried to kill myself. I slit my wrists and was taken to the hospital. Since I had found a full time job at minimum wage, I was not eligible for any insurance for me. As soon as they found that out, I was out the door with an appointment for a "counselor". Anyway, the counselor canceled twice with me. Aint it great to be poor?

    To make a long story longer, that guy I had an internet friendship with blossomed, at least on my end, into something that felt different. When he found out I tried to kill myself he hired a PI to try to find me. I was not in the right frame of mind to be on the computer answering emails or the phone. He has sent me money when things were tight which I have always paid him back. He sent me a gift card for my birthday to get a winter coat..something I could not afford. Little by little, my walls came down for him. He was something special.

    I guess was is the operative word. He offered to come to my home and bring his tiller to help me with my garden. He said he wanted to visit me on the way home from his mom's when he goes to see her. I let him in totally in my life. He knows things about me that no one knows.

    I took down my walls for a brief time. I got bit in the ass for it. He wanted to come see me until he found out that I am not a skinny twig like I used to be. Well, I used to be very unhealthy. I was/am bulimic. At least I don't take laxitives anymore.

    Now he is saying that he can't stop. I can guess why.

    So, it is just not one independent issue that is causing this, but a whole lot.

    I realize now that I can never take my walls down again. I see my son behaving like I am. He deserves better than that. He needs a mentally healthy person. He is exactly like me..and I don't want him to be.

    So many things..so many reasons.
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