I have trouble having motivation to live. My whole life I was raised sheltered, making me physically weaker and ignorant. I don't care about my family and friends enough to not want to go through it with them. I view everyone as worthless in the grand scheme of things, which makes me even less motivated. I don't believe in love, for it's just a chemical reaction (I know you've heard this before, but hear me out) that just wears off after a while. I don't want to have love if it's just going to be fruitless in the end, and seeing how I see my family and friends, it can't be anything different. I know I'd snap if I had a kid and even if I didn't, I wouldn't love or care about him enough to work as a parent. My hatred comes from how I feel that many common ideals are false, and that I was lied to growing up. I've planned that I'd wait until my 30's to decide on whether or not I want to die or not by joining the military so that I can die in battle, and if I didn't, use my military experience to go through with a suicidal spree, but there's no way that I could go through with the latter, as I still have morality holding me back, which enrages me. I feel that I only live for my material things (video games, movies, etc.). I lack the motivation and the understanding to arrange or draw, and my horrid eye sight makes the latter not possible to attain. I just feel empty, and even my material things are starting to wear off on me. I like to take walks around my town, but that's about it for hobbies. I've arranged some tracks, but I don't understand half of the shit in music theory and it takes the motivation out of me. I can't afford lessons for an instrument, so I feel that too is a fruitless gesture. Even then, I almost feel that it's too late for me to learn these things because I never learned them as a child compared to my peers and beyond. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up (an entrepreneur?), but I couldn't imagine doing something for 30 years of my life and feeling fulfilled by it. I don't always feel like this, but half of the time I am like this, and the other half feels better (usually when I'm hanging out with friends.), but craves the feeling of hatred. I follow no god, and have always believed when I die, I'll just cease to exist because I can't really exist if my brain isn't functioning. I couldn't tell this to anyone else because they have ideals that go against mine and of course have the bias of having an emotional attachment to me, so I got an account and posted on here to get a fresh perspective.