I keep saying I'm selfless, I'm not I wish my life was like..when harry met sally, or..sid and nancy..or if I'm really idealistic..I'd find someone like vincent gallo in buffalo 66 and if I were really lucky I'd stop watching movies and live my own stories or not even those because I don't need relationships, I've survived this long without them I don't need you I just need my cat, and my neon pants and my mottled skin. and you know why I hate the internet? because every time this fucking thing happens it reminds me of how horribly, abhorrently empty my life is so let me take this chance to be overly dramatic because my emotions are real and I don't fucking need to downplay how sensitive I am, because...most of the time..I'm glad I am vulnerable...shaking in my own tears and most of the time I'm satisfied being alone I don't need these infantile notions of happy endings I don't want to die anymore my past is so amorphous..my present is so futile. but it's ok, I'm ok and I don't need to take on the world, because I've had my share so why am I here? I used to thrive in isolation, now I'm incapacitated by technology what do you do..when you're deeply in love with an idea..and this idea frequently betrays you? you're hopeless...a romance with words..so cold and heartless. staygoldstaygoldstaygold I want to wear leather pants and smoke black cigarettes I want to curl my hair and lose tons of weight and look like bette davis I want to BE bette davis..in the fifties (or dead, either one's relatively fantastic). I want to be confident I want to stick to my principles even if they're wrong I want to stare people down and tell them to fuck off I want to be regal, and frightening and walk down the street like I own it I want to be overbearing I want to be a bitch I will never apologize again and I don't want anyone to touch me I want to be a marble statue exalted, and pristine lips so cold you'll never kiss them I want to be an overtly-sexual asexual a walking paradox elusive: I don't want men, I don't want men, I don't want anyone you cannot have me, I'm not a possession you can't even touch yourself when you think of me this is sacred ground, and you're unholy this is ME for goddsakes and you're undeserving I REFUSE TO BE INSECURE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I REFUSE TO ALLOW ANYONE TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THIS I REFUSE TO HAVE ANXIETY I REFUSE TO STAY IN MY HOUSE I REFUSE TO DENY MYSELF AN EDUCATION I REFUSE TO DIET, I REFUSE TO LOSE WEIGHT I REFUSE TO LOOK PRETTY..just for you and you and you and you..and the entire populace If I ever try to be presentable..I do it for myself I dye my hair blue so that when I look in the mirror..I can say: "lucy, I love you today" without lying I wear short skirts..not to be provocative, not so you can stare at my ass, but so I can catch my reflection or feel the wind on my thighs and say this is a fucking good outfit to dance like a maniac in you best look away, cause I'm hot as the sun, and I know I'm not beautiful, but I don't need to be because I don't need you this isn't a mating call we're not peacocks monogamy is a lie, and as far as I'm concerned..I hope love is too because all it does is ruin everybody's lives I vow to change to change to change to change I will never again avoid social situations I will never again insult my body I will never again feel like I need someone else to survive because I'm damn well more than good enough and if I ever go back..and believe me, I will I don't need you to help me I'm fine just on my own you see that? yea, that's my cat and me... silhouettes strutting into the sunset and I'm gone.