everything

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lurktheshadows, Jan 4, 2011.

  1. lurktheshadows

    lurktheshadows Well-Known Member

    I keep saying I'm selfless, I'm not
    I wish my life was like..when harry met sally, or..sid and nancy..or if I'm really idealistic..I'd find someone like vincent gallo in buffalo 66
    and if I were really lucky
    I'd stop watching movies
    and live my own stories

    or not even those
    because I don't need relationships, I've survived this long without them
    I don't need you

    I just need my cat, and my neon pants and my mottled skin.
    and you know why I hate the internet? because every time this fucking thing happens it reminds me of how horribly, abhorrently empty my life is
    so let me take this chance
    to be overly dramatic
    because my emotions are real
    and I don't fucking need to downplay how sensitive I am, because...most of the time..I'm glad I am vulnerable...shaking in my own tears
    and most of the time
    I'm satisfied being alone
    I don't need these infantile notions of happy endings

    I don't want to die anymore

    my past is so amorphous..my present is so futile.
    but it's ok, I'm ok
    and I don't need to take on the world, because I've had my share
    so why am I here?
    I used to thrive in isolation, now I'm incapacitated by technology

    what do you do..when you're deeply in love with an idea..and this idea frequently betrays you? you're hopeless...a romance with words..so cold and heartless.

    staygoldstaygoldstaygold

    I want to wear leather pants and smoke black cigarettes
    I want to curl my hair
    and lose tons of weight
    and look like bette davis

    I want to BE bette davis..in the fifties (or dead, either one's relatively fantastic).
    I want to be confident
    I want to stick to my principles even if they're wrong
    I want to stare people down and tell them to fuck off
    I want to be regal, and frightening and walk down the street like I own it
    I want to be overbearing
    I want to be a bitch
    I will never apologize again

    and I don't want anyone to touch me
    I want to be a marble statue
    exalted, and pristine
    lips so cold you'll never kiss them

    I want to be an overtly-sexual asexual
    a walking paradox
    elusive:
    I don't want men, I don't want men, I don't want anyone

    you cannot have me, I'm not a possession
    you can't even touch yourself
    when you think of me
    this is sacred ground, and you're unholy
    this is ME for goddsakes
    and you're undeserving

    I REFUSE TO BE INSECURE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
    I REFUSE TO ALLOW ANYONE TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THIS
    I REFUSE TO HAVE ANXIETY
    I REFUSE TO STAY IN MY HOUSE
    I REFUSE TO DENY MYSELF AN EDUCATION
    I REFUSE TO DIET, I REFUSE TO LOSE WEIGHT
    I REFUSE TO LOOK PRETTY..just for you and you and you and you..and the entire populace
    If I ever try to be presentable..I do it for myself
    I dye my hair blue so that when I look in the mirror..I can say: "lucy, I love you today" without lying
    I wear short skirts..not to be provocative, not so you can stare at my ass, but so I can catch my reflection
    or feel the wind on my thighs
    and say
    this is a fucking good outfit to dance like a maniac in

    you best look away, cause I'm hot as the sun, and I know I'm not beautiful, but I don't need to be
    because I don't need you
    this isn't a mating call
    we're not peacocks

    monogamy is a lie, and as far as I'm concerned..I hope love is too
    because all it does
    is
    ruin
    everybody's
    lives

    I vow to change to change to change to change
    I will never again avoid social situations
    I will never again insult my body
    I will never again feel like I need someone else to survive
    because I'm damn well more than good enough

    and if I ever go back..and believe me, I will
    I don't need you to help me
    I'm fine just on my own

    you see that?
    yea,
    that's my cat and me... silhouettes strutting into the sunset
    and I'm gone.
     
  2. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Wow...
     
  3. lurktheshadows

    lurktheshadows Well-Known Member

    I had...an epiphany 1/3 post in...lol

    edit: not even 1/3...more like five lines in..I was done xD
    and....
    ....
    ...
    ...ellipses
     
  4. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    I'm very happy and proud and jklbagkbadfjkbndfg -insert mushy stuff here-
     
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I'm glad you shared all that..It's better to get it all out..This is a good place to doit.. It took alot of courage to tell all how you are feeling.. Good luck..
     
  6. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    You are good enough L, in fact you are fab. x x from a bloody man!
     
  7. lurktheshadows

    lurktheshadows Well-Known Member

    <3 I love you guys