Ive been dealing with this depression since lord knows when. Its gone from bad to worse, to better, to worse again, and theres nothing I can do about it anymore. Ive seen therapists, taken medication, its all worked in the short run, but in the end am i just too f*cked up that i cant be fixed? I hate my father, and I mean absolutely detest him. Every day its the same thing with him, he makes me feel worthless and like I am just a burden on everyones life. I had a discussion with him, and as usual, he seemed to understand, but then 2 days later, he goes off on me for the same thing we talked about, and its like nothin I said goes into that tiny head of his, which is so overinflated by his own ego. Ive regressed to just sittin in my room in darkness, wanting more than ever to just be dead. Im 20 now, I shouldnt have to deal with this sh*t anymore, but Ive ruined my life, and im stuck. Ive messed everything up and now im suffering the consequences of what ive done. I cant even cry anymore or sleep, or function. I can only think of what a horrible life I am living. Ive never had a girlfriend, never been kissed, im ugly, im a big person, and i constantly feel unwanted and the butt of all jokes. I cant fight this anymore, I cant fight this disease, I cant fix myself. Waking up everyday just wishing I was dead is not a way to live. Ive given up on the thought of women, and marriage. I couldnt possibly have children of my own for the fear that one of them might hate me as much as I hate my father. I couldnt live with that. I couldnt let another human being feel the pain that I feel. Everyday is a battle, and ive already lost the war. what am i supposed to do with myself?