everythings closing in around me again

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by justdarkness, Aug 30, 2006.

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  1. justdarkness

    justdarkness New Member

    Ive been dealing with this depression since lord knows when. Its gone from bad to worse, to better, to worse again, and theres nothing I can do about it anymore. Ive seen therapists, taken medication, its all worked in the short run, but in the end am i just too f*cked up that i cant be fixed?

    I hate my father, and I mean absolutely detest him. Every day its the same thing with him, he makes me feel worthless and like I am just a burden on everyones life. I had a discussion with him, and as usual, he seemed to understand, but then 2 days later, he goes off on me for the same thing we talked about, and its like nothin I said goes into that tiny head of his, which is so overinflated by his own ego. Ive regressed to just sittin in my room in darkness, wanting more than ever to just be dead. Im 20 now, I shouldnt have to deal with this sh*t anymore, but Ive ruined my life, and im stuck. Ive messed everything up and now im suffering the consequences of what ive done. I cant even cry anymore or sleep, or function. I can only think of what a horrible life I am living. Ive never had a girlfriend, never been kissed, im ugly, im a big person, and i constantly feel unwanted and the butt of all jokes. I cant fight this anymore, I cant fight this disease, I cant fix myself. Waking up everyday just wishing I was dead is not a way to live. Ive given up on the thought of women, and marriage. I couldnt possibly have children of my own for the fear that one of them might hate me as much as I hate my father. I couldnt live with that. I couldnt let another human being feel the pain that I feel. Everyday is a battle, and ive already lost the war. what am i supposed to do with myself? :(
     
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmmm what to do indeed.... well what do countries do after they lose a war? Rebuild, that is what all fallen countries do... even if under new rule.

    I cannot help you with your dad. My dad is similar... only he makes your feel worthless through trying to manipulate you.... but that is me...

    I am 21 a male never had a girlfriend and never been kissed as well. Hell I never even had a friend most of my life. So I turned to the net and found friends here... where no one can see me or hear me or smell me touch me... it is all I got really.
     
  3. justdarkness

    justdarkness New Member

    im the same way..i live online and i have many good friends online. as to rebuilding, I dont know where to even start :/ theres pretty much nothing good left over in me, I dont know if i want to even rebuild this life anymore.
     
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmmm... well the final choice is up to you as it always is. You can always build a new life..... yeah you can always do that... maybe the only place you can rebuild is on the net, much like myself. I don't know... I am not going to encourage you to do something you don't feel you can do.

    The Choice is always yours remember that.... if you want to look at it metaphorically. You just lost a war everything you knew was scortched and burned to the ground nothing of the old you remains. But a being, you, still remains with nothing. You can either leave everything burned and scortched, probably what I would do, or you can chop down some new trees and rebuild.
     
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