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Everytime I start enjoying my life, my whole world collapses on top of me.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Tatsuhiro Satou, Jun 17, 2011.

  1. Tatsuhiro Satou

    Tatsuhiro Satou Active Member

    I feel like thousands of heavy weights just fell on top of me, suffocating me in pain and misery and I can't get out of it. I don't usually like sounding so dramatic, but I can't really take it anymore.

    At this point I'm feeling a lot of things, emptiness, depression, anxiety, but the worse one of all is loneliness. I just recently graduated high school, but despite that all my friends and I kept in good contact until now. It feels like I'm all alone in this world, that everyone else is moving forward and living life while I'm stuck inside a black hole of despair. It seems like to my friends I'm just a face that can be easily forgotten, even though we've had some good times in the past and we were really close, that's all that it was though, in the past.

    But the one thing that kills me the most, is someone that I had once loved, hell the first person I did love much less have deep feelings for, someone that held a special place in my heart. We've dated a couple months ago, but constantly the relationship went between sweet and sour. We've broken up and gotten back together countless times, and finally we broken up and remain broken up. She's caused a lot of pain in my life, she's done a lot of stupid things and broke my heart countless of times. But every time I had forgiven her and tried to make it work. But then I realized, that I also hurt her as well, probably more than she hurt me and I didn't even realize it till now. Back then I was a mess in the head, I had taken countless anti-depressants and had to make frequent visits to my psychologist, so I wasn't exactly in the best state of mind.

    I guess the biggest blow to my heart was when I found out the reason why she broke up for me for good was because she was in love with her friend whom she knew way longer than she knew me, and so she ultimately chose him over me. It was devastating to find that out, even more to find that out from her herself. After he broke up with her, she started contacting me again and ever since we've remained in contact. At times we got along very well, and there were times I could of sworn she was dropping hints that she liked me, but whenever I hinted back she would always ignore it. Now it's been months since we've broken up, and I finally decided to give up on hoping we would get back together.

    More than anything I wanted to get back together with her, because everything has been a misunderstanding, all the times we've broken up, all the times we argued, all of it. I know you can't fix things in the past, but it's downright depressing to find out that you could of prevented those things, but you were too stupid and in the moment to do the right thing. It's funny how I got to know her more and better after we broke up and talked to each other than when we were actually dating, and now I feel like we could make things work, that things would go right if we went out again.

    But now things have gone downhill, there are many things going on in my life but the worst would be her. She's the one person I talk to the most, and probably only talk to now. But lately I've been distancing myself from her to prevent my heartache from getting worse, and now I've resorted to just downright ignoring her texts, IM's, her very existance. I feel like just deleting her phone number and forgetting about her. She recently got back in friendly terms with her ex, and it pains me how she even mentions him when we talk. Any hopes of us getting back together has been shattered, and I'm just afraid to move on because when I do, I'll really be alone. No matter what I do, it all ends in heartache.

    I apologize for writing out a book here, but that was about 9 months of heartache that I've been holding in.
  2. wickedsick

    wickedsick Member

    Hi Satou
    You're not alone. I recently missedthe only person that I really loved in my whole life...
    It's very hard, but we can't force others to love us, and if they are happier now and we really love them, we have to agree, and let things go...
    If you're feeling sad and/or lonely, try to talk with someone.
    hope we can help you.
  3. Tatsuhiro Satou

    Tatsuhiro Satou Active Member

    Thank you, and I really wish there was someone to talk to, but there really isn't. The people I call my friends are never there for me anymore, even when I was always there for them.

    I'm just angry and hurt because I feel like I've been used. Whenever she wants to hang out with me I always end up driving her around to places, but whenever I want to hang out with her she blows me off. I don't know why she bothers texting me anymore, she's got other people to talk to, and I'm tired of these mind games with her.
  4. xsomewhatdamagedx

    xsomewhatdamagedx Well-Known Member

    i kind of know what you mean whenever something good happens in my life i think that there's some sort of catch or i think that i cant be permanent. every single time i think that things are going my way something comes and screws it up for me and i end up feeling even worse than i did before all the problems i have are only getting worse and i really dont have the strength to cope with it anyone which is only made worse because i dont have a good support network behind me. i dont have family or friends who are there for me and all i feel like is a burden to each and everyone of them every single day i wish that i would of died in my sleep because i just cant face being alive anymore.please dont feel the way i do without getting help theres alot of people on sf who will do their best to help you
  5. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Perhaps you could cut all contact with her.
    Become whole agian within yourself. No point in being with someone who doesn't want you, better to find a girl that does.
    Break ups are always going to hurt, its a natural grieving process, give yourself time to get over it and move on.
  6. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    please please dont think i am being patronising when i say this, but i get the impression you are still young, the kinda first flush of love thing, that is the hardest to deal with. if i am wrong i am sorry, but i guess the principle is almost the same. you love her more than she loved you, you break up, she moves on quickly, you struggle. it just messes with your emotions. its not a weakness, its reality and this is where you struggle. what you are doing is what the psych's call avoidance. you block her out, you ignore her, rather than face the pain of reality, its the easiest option.

    this is kinda like pot calling kettle black, but face up to what is happening...it will be difficult and sooner or later you will realise you are just clinging to a dream or the past...you cant always control your emotions and they are controlling you...reading your post i dont see that its worth putting yourself through this pain, so you need to face it with support and hopefully move on..you dont deserve this. :hug:
  7. wickedsick

    wickedsick Member

    If you don't mind, you can talk to us, of SF. We're here to help each other, most of us are lonely people too. If she drives you so bad, try to follow what "me, myself and i" said and put some distance between you two.
  8. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear Tatsuhiro,

    You said that you are afraid to move on because you will really be alone if you do move on. You know this is not necessarily true...

    It seems to me that moving on may be a way out of a painful relationship and that you will not really be alone - not for long if you can open yourself up to new opportunities. You just recently graduated high school. Your life has just started. You are so young. You know you deserve more time before such a “final” decision - more time to explore life. Like many people here, you’d be glad if you do give yourself more time...

    You can take what you’ve learned from your experiences and move on. Now you know more about how to develop a better relationship. Our life experiences are to build us up, not to tear us down. I feel you have a truly loving heart. A bright girl who can see/feel your heart will come along…if only you give yourself more time to allow such opportunities to appear. Who knows, maybe one day you would not even feel like having anything to do with this girl...

    It must be very difficult to go through what you are going through now, but you know you have what it takes to go through it. It will pass. How you feel now will change. These things always change. It is law/nature of life…

    Please give your attention to how to live instead...

    With loving wishes and hugs :hug:
  9. Tatsuhiro Satou

    Tatsuhiro Satou Active Member

    Thanks for the support everyone, it really is a refreshing feeling since I really don't have anyone else to talk to. I know what I must do is to move on, but it just feels like there's a large empty hole in my life and I'm struggling to find out how to fill it in. I've always been afraid of change, because whenever there's change in my life it usually was for the worse and it just traumatized me to the point of being downright afraid of change.

    The pain of clinging onto these feelings and torturing myself like this is far worse than the pain of moving on, that I know. I appreciate everyone's advice, it really made me feel a bit better now.
  10. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    I agree with me myself and I and to break all contact
    This is the only way youre going to get over her.
    Shes just wrecking your head.
    Concentrate on your friends and try keep busy .youll soon feel better.