I feel like thousands of heavy weights just fell on top of me, suffocating me in pain and misery and I can't get out of it. I don't usually like sounding so dramatic, but I can't really take it anymore.
At this point I'm feeling a lot of things, emptiness, depression, anxiety, but the worse one of all is loneliness. I just recently graduated high school, but despite that all my friends and I kept in good contact until now. It feels like I'm all alone in this world, that everyone else is moving forward and living life while I'm stuck inside a black hole of despair. It seems like to my friends I'm just a face that can be easily forgotten, even though we've had some good times in the past and we were really close, that's all that it was though, in the past.
But the one thing that kills me the most, is someone that I had once loved, hell the first person I did love much less have deep feelings for, someone that held a special place in my heart. We've dated a couple months ago, but constantly the relationship went between sweet and sour. We've broken up and gotten back together countless times, and finally we broken up and remain broken up. She's caused a lot of pain in my life, she's done a lot of stupid things and broke my heart countless of times. But every time I had forgiven her and tried to make it work. But then I realized, that I also hurt her as well, probably more than she hurt me and I didn't even realize it till now. Back then I was a mess in the head, I had taken countless anti-depressants and had to make frequent visits to my psychologist, so I wasn't exactly in the best state of mind.
I guess the biggest blow to my heart was when I found out the reason why she broke up for me for good was because she was in love with her friend whom she knew way longer than she knew me, and so she ultimately chose him over me. It was devastating to find that out, even more to find that out from her herself. After he broke up with her, she started contacting me again and ever since we've remained in contact. At times we got along very well, and there were times I could of sworn she was dropping hints that she liked me, but whenever I hinted back she would always ignore it. Now it's been months since we've broken up, and I finally decided to give up on hoping we would get back together.
More than anything I wanted to get back together with her, because everything has been a misunderstanding, all the times we've broken up, all the times we argued, all of it. I know you can't fix things in the past, but it's downright depressing to find out that you could of prevented those things, but you were too stupid and in the moment to do the right thing. It's funny how I got to know her more and better after we broke up and talked to each other than when we were actually dating, and now I feel like we could make things work, that things would go right if we went out again.
But now things have gone downhill, there are many things going on in my life but the worst would be her. She's the one person I talk to the most, and probably only talk to now. But lately I've been distancing myself from her to prevent my heartache from getting worse, and now I've resorted to just downright ignoring her texts, IM's, her very existance. I feel like just deleting her phone number and forgetting about her. She recently got back in friendly terms with her ex, and it pains me how she even mentions him when we talk. Any hopes of us getting back together has been shattered, and I'm just afraid to move on because when I do, I'll really be alone. No matter what I do, it all ends in heartache.
I apologize for writing out a book here, but that was about 9 months of heartache that I've been holding in.
At this point I'm feeling a lot of things, emptiness, depression, anxiety, but the worse one of all is loneliness. I just recently graduated high school, but despite that all my friends and I kept in good contact until now. It feels like I'm all alone in this world, that everyone else is moving forward and living life while I'm stuck inside a black hole of despair. It seems like to my friends I'm just a face that can be easily forgotten, even though we've had some good times in the past and we were really close, that's all that it was though, in the past.
But the one thing that kills me the most, is someone that I had once loved, hell the first person I did love much less have deep feelings for, someone that held a special place in my heart. We've dated a couple months ago, but constantly the relationship went between sweet and sour. We've broken up and gotten back together countless times, and finally we broken up and remain broken up. She's caused a lot of pain in my life, she's done a lot of stupid things and broke my heart countless of times. But every time I had forgiven her and tried to make it work. But then I realized, that I also hurt her as well, probably more than she hurt me and I didn't even realize it till now. Back then I was a mess in the head, I had taken countless anti-depressants and had to make frequent visits to my psychologist, so I wasn't exactly in the best state of mind.
I guess the biggest blow to my heart was when I found out the reason why she broke up for me for good was because she was in love with her friend whom she knew way longer than she knew me, and so she ultimately chose him over me. It was devastating to find that out, even more to find that out from her herself. After he broke up with her, she started contacting me again and ever since we've remained in contact. At times we got along very well, and there were times I could of sworn she was dropping hints that she liked me, but whenever I hinted back she would always ignore it. Now it's been months since we've broken up, and I finally decided to give up on hoping we would get back together.
More than anything I wanted to get back together with her, because everything has been a misunderstanding, all the times we've broken up, all the times we argued, all of it. I know you can't fix things in the past, but it's downright depressing to find out that you could of prevented those things, but you were too stupid and in the moment to do the right thing. It's funny how I got to know her more and better after we broke up and talked to each other than when we were actually dating, and now I feel like we could make things work, that things would go right if we went out again.
But now things have gone downhill, there are many things going on in my life but the worst would be her. She's the one person I talk to the most, and probably only talk to now. But lately I've been distancing myself from her to prevent my heartache from getting worse, and now I've resorted to just downright ignoring her texts, IM's, her very existance. I feel like just deleting her phone number and forgetting about her. She recently got back in friendly terms with her ex, and it pains me how she even mentions him when we talk. Any hopes of us getting back together has been shattered, and I'm just afraid to move on because when I do, I'll really be alone. No matter what I do, it all ends in heartache.
I apologize for writing out a book here, but that was about 9 months of heartache that I've been holding in.
