evil bitch.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Nov 18, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Evil bitch that's what I am, i cut my body with a razor to try and get rid of the feelins, the dirtyness, to bled out. Tonight, I've put candals in my bedroom, I've got pills by my side and started to take them, I haven't taken loads but I have taken a few, for the next couple of hours I have planned to keep taking them, to keep swalloing pills to lay in bed and never wake up. I feel so heavy eyed, I feel like crying but can't. I have shut down. I've switched my phone off, not that anyone would call anyway. I just want the pain to go away, it hasn't, and it won't. I've had my mum in tears, I've evil to the bone. I'm evil and bad, nasty, horrible and deserve a painful death, even if the pills don't kill me, I will continue until my organs shut down, my immune system gives up and I die. I'm evil bitch.
  2. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Please dont continue to take the meds you have. Please. And go talk to your mom so she can take you if necessary to the ER. Youre in my thoughts and prayers.
    Beret xxx
  3. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Hun please don't :hug:

    Keep talking, I know you are a strong person

  4. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I can't talk to my mum. She hates me, she really hates me, she's never been there for me, and she lives 3 hours away anyway. She can't and hasn't ever been able to help me. Sorry. I'm not strong, its a front, I'm weak. I'm stupid and pathetic.
  5. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    please don't take any more, go to your mum and get yourself to A&E hun.

    please be safe

    thinking of you
  6. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    you are stronger than you think, there must be someone close to get you to hospital. please don't do this
  7. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    no hun youre neither pathetic nor you deserve to die. please call any friends or 911 so you can get the help you need.
  8. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    i don't have any friends. I don't like hospitals all I can do is call crisis team but they won't help, every support person I saw has left me I'm too much, i'm not saveable, i'm not worth it.
  9. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    You ARE worth it!

    And you are not stupid and pathetic. If you can't talk to anyone else keep talking to us.

    Just stay safe hun, you can always add me on MSN

  10. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    nobody likes hospitals but they are there if you need them, they have to help.

    and i agree that your not worthless.
    carry on talking to us lost, you are never alone here
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Please stop taking the pills. Go to your emergency medical place to get some help right now.

    You are very much worth saving and you are "saveable." (I know you feel you aren't. But you are. And you've reached out!)

    Please be safe and go to the hospital.

    Perhaps you can post again and let us know how you are. Everyone here at SF is on your side, and we want you to get the assistance you need today.

    Please be good to yourself.
  12. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I have said i won't take anymore tabs at the moment, I can't promise though, sorry.

    I wish this would all just stop, give me time to find my feet. I can't think straight. I feel so dirty and have cut again. I just can't seem to settle. I'm sorry.

    thank you for your replies. I'm sorry for being a nusiance and a burden. I'm sorry
  13. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Sweetie, you are not a nuisance!

    If I could, I'd stay right here and chat with you for as long as you needed or wanted. Unfortunately, I've got an obligation to fulfill, so I'll be out for about 5 hours now.

    Hang on as best you can. I know it's rough going when it's like this, but you can do it! I will check the posts again when I get home.

    Please ve good to yourself. You DESERVE to treat yourself well and have others treat you well!

    OK? :hug::hug: Thinking about you!
  14. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I'm tired. tired tired. hate it. I want to talk, but I can't I need to talk but I can't. I fucking hate it. I can type it down but I can't say the words. I'm a freak. I hate it. I hate it. i hate the silence. I hate the silence. I hate it. I said I wouldn't tonight, but I want to. I can't take anymore. I don't want it.

    stupid pathetic existance. dirty filthy bitch. fucking hate me. Hate hate hate hate hate me. only here to be used and abused and then die.
  15. k2hsharpe

    k2hsharpe Antiquities Friend


    you are not evil, you are just different
    so different that I find it hard to understand just how brave you are. I know you are brave because you choose life on a daily basis. I am not brave, I've never had to be brave because life is my default state, I never have to choose it. I admire your bravery so much.

    I'm sure you have made your Mum cry. I'm a parent of 2. We cry because we fear for our children, we cry because we fail to protect our children, we cry because we don't always know how to make it better. We cry because with our own stupidity and lack of understanding we either hurt our kids or allow them to be hurt. We cry for lots of reasons that only parents understand. And many times even we don't understand it. We never cry because we think you're evil - we know you are not.

    Nor are you stupid. No doubt there are times when you don't think clearly. Times when you are overwhelmed with fear and grief and the shear fatigue of having to constantly choose life. We all have times like that. I'm lucky, for me they have been so very very few. That first posting of yours I read made me realise you have come to know and accept more about yourself in your life than I have in mine. And I may well be twice or thrice your age. Never think of your self as stupid, you aren't.

    And you are not pathetic, you are far stronger probably than I could ever be. With that posting on DID you reached out to help a person you didn't even know was in your future. For that alone, in my heart you will always be lovely, always be valued.

    Please hang on, please keep choosing life even a day at a time
  16. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support


    Checking in with you now that I'm back. I hope that you feel more settled and less anxious etc. that earlier.

    You are not dirty and fitlhy or a fucking bitch. You are not here to be used, abused and then die.

    Please feel welcome to PM me if you need or want to talk (write?) I'm home now and will check back in a bit.

    Be kind and loving to yourself. :hug:
  17. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    That is not true hun :hug: Im sorry that you have been abused, I know it is scary and not right, but you CAN come through this. I believe in you.

    How are you feeling today?

  18. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Hunny, look at your mail, i sent you a pm. Read it pls.

    Stay away from those bad thoughts. It is only the reflection of your past hunting you but I know that you do know it is only ghosts fooling with you. Awake from this dream like you are into and open your eyes ..... wide open and look at the sunlight outside.
    Not all is darkness and there is also warm people and caring people too....... give it tme and you will meet them. Once you do embrace them as this is what you deserve and shall have should you choose to move on, walk away from what tourments you. Close that closet for a while and as a lady has told you, parents do often cry for our children yet rarely they know it..... we cry coz we cant help, dont know how etc.... but we DO care for their welfare, happiness, etc......... just at times we too are human and dont know what we should do best to help them in what they live or face. Mum has cried yes but why? coz she is hurting not having or being able to provide what you need... but that means also that in caring, she loves you also..... remember that hun. she has her wrong, she has some rights too.... amnot here to judge her or else. Just want you to know and accept that no matter what, she loves and care about you.

    take care of you and of jr. also.... teddy is on your bed? tell him how much jr. wishes to hug her (jr.)

    :hug: to you hun and may you stay safe. i care :hug:
  19. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    my mum doesn't love me. if she did then she would have protected me, instead she kicked me, she would punch me, she would pull me by my hair down the 3 flights of stairs, she would call me names, she would call me a whore, satans child. If she knew or even suspected I was being abused then why did she continue to send me to he's house and tell me I wasn't to cause any trouble, she doesn't love me.

    The tears weren't because she feels she let me down or couldn't help me, everytime she knows I'm about to walk away, she plays the emotional card on me. she always has.

    she doesn't love me, no1 does. It doesn't matter anymore. I'm done in. I've had enough. I don't know what else to do. stomach pains all day, chest pains, being sick doesn't matter, I will continue what I set out to do. I'm sorry.

    I'm sorry..I know people are sick and tierd of me, and so am I.
  20. Up&down

    Up&down Well-Known Member

    All the pain you feel, I feel just reading your post, you need help hun.
    You need to keep safe
    I have three daughters one of whom tried suicide once, it almost killed me.
    She got help and is doing good, my head has never been the same since.
    Please stay safe people do care.
    It can get better, when I cannot see light at the end of the tunel the thing that sometimes keeps me going is, it will pass.
    Please Please stay safe.
    Don't know if you have tried but the samaritans are a good, they don't judge you and it is confidenial, please talk to someone .
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