Evil

[**BeautyIsThin**]

I hate being fat.
It controls my life.
If I could just be thin everything would be okay.​

I have this layer of fat hanging off my bones like an evil creature. This great evil. Where does it come from? How did it sneak into my world? From what seed, what root did it spring? Who's doing this? Who's killing me? Robbing me of light and life. Mocking me with the sight of what I might have known, might have been. Does my ruin benefit the earth? Does it help the grass to grow, the sun to shine?

Is this darkness in you too?

Have you passed to this night?

 

[Ze'ev-Hayalim]

I know nothing I can say is going to deter you.

Self perception is our greatest foe, we tend to be overly critical of our supposed 'faults' and shortcomings.

Know that here on this forum, we do not care what you look like, you are a human being capable of trust and compassion :hug:

take it easy

gabriel

 

[**BeautyIsThin**]

Well, so far on this site I have been told that my thoughts and feelings are bullshit, that I am rediculous, that I'm unhealthy (that one about 100 times by lots of different people all at once, like a group attack I guess) and that my name means any advice I give shouldn't be taken *

I did a self test thing that I found and this is what it said ****

"You have lost a lot of weight. People are worried about you but you wish they would leave you alone. You don't need any food, you are in fact terrified of gaining weight but you can't admit that to yourself least alone to others, so you pretend that everything is fine. You cant remember when dieting turned into a full scale obsession with being thinner and thinner but you cant worry about that now- all you care about is how to eat as little as possible and get as much exercise as possible to lose even more weight as quickly as you can.

You are cold and you have lost your periods (if you are a girl) and you're depressed but that is because you are feeling fat and ugly, so whatever you eat is still too much. You know you are in trouble but you don't want to think about that now. Lets just lose another pound. Then you might hate yourself a little less. But that doesn't work, either."

Most of that, if I really look at myself is pretty true * So yes, maybe I have an eating disorder * So what? I don't need you all judging me, ganging up on me and getting on my back every second that I'm in chat * So I don't like my weight * So I'm terrified of gaining weight * So, I am scared of food and what it might do to me * So I see a huge, disgusting fat blob when I look in the mirror * So what? It doesn't mean I am stupid * It doesn't mean that I'm not nice * It doesn't mean that I am a horrible person * I don't judge any of you * I don't judge you if you cut yourself * I don't judge you if you overdose on tablets * I don't say you're rediculous for feeling so bad about yourself * So why do you say it to me? Why is it okay to say mean things to me and make me feel like shit just because I want to lose weight?

Right now, I don't want to be told that I need help * I don't want to be told that I am unhealthy * I don't want to be told that I'm an idiot * I'm not in a place right now where I can physically go and get help * Right now I want to get thin * Please respect that *

 

[sadsong]

I'm sorry that you feel like you are being "attacked", i really wish that hadn't happened. I think though that people only want to look out for you, they care for you and the fact is that losing weight too quickly is unhealthy, not just for you, but for me and for everyone.

Anyway...you definately don't deserve to be judged, i know that i'm the last one who could judge another when i have so much wrong with myself. If you don't want help, that's your perogative, you don't have to get help, but please just try and remember that the majority of people only want to help.

I do respect that you want to get thin, jst as i hope that you respect that if i hate myself and want to cut myself that's my choice.

Just remember, we're always here if you need us, whether just for a chat or a shoulder to cry on, or for if/when you're ready for help.

Once again, i am so sorry that you feel like you have been judged. feel free to pm me
Lizzy. xxx

 

[**BeautyIsThin**]

Right now, I don't care whether it is healthy or not * Thats the point * People telling me how wrong I am is just making me feel even worse about myself and very triggering * I don't think I am being rediculous * This is how it is my head * This is how I feel * I can't just snap out of it just like others can't snap out of being depressed * Why can't people understand that? It doesn't seem like people care * It just feels like they want me to admit that I am wrong and they are right * Okay I am wrong * There * Is everyone happy now?

 

[**BeautyIsThin**]

I weighed myself today like 6 times and each time it said something different * What's the right number? Which is it * I hate that I don't know which one is right* Have I lost? Am I the same? Have I gained? How much? What's the right fucking number? Why can't I have some scales that just tell me the right number all the time?

My mum shouted at me because I only wanted melon for breakfast * "Thats not enough blah blah blah" * Oh just shut up will you * At least I'm fucking eating SOMETHING * I don't want to eat anything but since you are ALWAYS on my fucking back I am * So just leave me the fuck alone * If you keep on at me you're going to make me worse * It doesn't fucking matter how many times you tell me I'm skinny * I know you're lying * I know what I see * And I see fat * Now if I can just get these scales to be consistent *

And now she wants me to go shopping * Shes like "Come on, we'll have a girls day out * Like I'm going to enjoy going shopping with everyone staring at me in disgust * Like I'm going to enjoy going in clothes shops and realising how fat I am when all the clothes look tight and shit on me * Like I'm going to enjoy all those thin girls looking at me wondring what the hell I'm doing there * Like I'm going to enjoy getting caught in all those mirrors that they have * I don't want people to see me like this * So no, I'm not going to go shopping with you mum * I'm not going anywhere * I'm going to stay here and work out * So just fuck off *

 

[immure]

ur mornin weight before you eat is the most acurate to what ur body weighs. the days body activities can change this number to make it reflect what we have done that day. as for water retention food intake blah b;ah blah, good to hear ur eatin keep it up. i don t give a shit if its forced it still is good. bats havin a stroke or heart attack that can leave u even well more fucked up.

 

[**BeautyIsThin**]

I always weigh myself in the morning * But I step on and off at least 6 times * I don't know why but I have to do it a lot * Everytime I step back on it's different * Why does it do that? It's only like 5 seconds between each time * If I am having a bad day I weigh myself throughout the day too * I know all about water retention and things like that but those numbers are like my everything * Everything I do is because of those numbers * They are the most important thing in my life * I know thats really sad and pathetic but thats the way it is * The scales rule my life * They speak to me *

 

[makeitlooksoprettyburning]

firstly: could u tell me where u got that test thing? the You have lost a lot of weight. People are worried about you blah blah blah one?

secondly: i dont judge u at all. it would be pretty hipocritical of me! i mean iv recently lost over a stone (that stupid fucking stone went straight 2 my thighs though) nd not very healthily. i understand its not ur fault u have an eating disorder and im sure anyone that offeneded u just didnt realise they were doing so. people just want to help thats all.

thirdly: my mum has the same opinion on the melon thing! lol

 

[Marshmallow]

i dont feel that advice from you is not worthy of listening to, in my eyes anyone who can give advice to anyone is a great person, i dont judge you and im sure other people dont aswell, i think people are disagreeing with what you say because their worried about your health, everyone is enititled to lose weight how ever they want but they way you do it is considered the unhealthy way this is why alot of people on here have said what they'v said. you know you'v got a problem otherwise you wouldn't be here, and being here is the first step.

you may think that people dont listening to your advice but they do, just because you having an eating disorder doesn't mean you should be treated any less than anyone else here, every bit of advice is valuble in its own right in this world we live in. With out people like you giving advice then we would have lost alot more valuble people in this world. no one in this forum should be treated any differnt to the next, we all came here to be part of a community to support and help each other,s o we should do just that and stick together not judge each other over differnt situations

take care

vikki x :hugs:

 

[**BeautyIsThin**]

makeitlooksoprettyburning - I did a questionnaire thing on netdoctor.co.uk * Thanks for replying to my posts *

vikki - Thankyou aswell for replying * The thing most people don't really know how I lose weight * They only know what I choose to tell them * And so far I do feel like I've been treated as not a lesser person exactly but like I am just choosing to be like this * I don't know if that makes sense * It's like my problems aren't really problems * I suppose gaining a couple of pounds doesn't mean shit to some people * But to me it's like the end of the world * I didn't suddenly choose to be like this * I guess I have been like this since I was little * Only it has gotton worse as I get older * I came here so I could talk about losing weight and my feelings about my weight without anyone judging me or looking down on me and so far I haven't really had that * I thought I would be able to rant about things that are important to me and people would just reply with nice things * Even constructive criticism I could handle * I can't talk about how I feel with anyone else and I need somewhere to let stuff out sometimes without people saying nasty things * I don't know if it will get better or worse here now * I don't know if people will still be nasty * Or if they will just ignore me * I hope that people will reply to my posts and maybe try and get to know me but I don't think they will * It makes me kind of sad because there are lots of posts about how wonderful this site and all its members are *

 

[Marshmallow]

well im not here to judge you, i do hope to get to know you better over time, i think people on here have choose to judge you because you'v 'choose' to be the way you are, but in my eyes any human being on this earth can choose the way they live their life, some people may not agree but at the end of the day its your choice, and what every your choice is i respect that, no one on here can tell you how to live your life. remember imnot here to judge you and i never will :smile:

vikki x

 

[**BeautyIsThin**]

But I haven't chosen to be like this * Ana chose me * She grabbed my hand and led me into this world * Ana is like my best friend and enemy all at once * She is always there telling me I need to lose more * Telling me not to eat that * Telling me to work out * Telling me that the scales are teasing me * Sometimes I want to tell her to just piss off but most of the time I love her * I want her by my side, encouraging me, motivating me * She's so hard to please tho * I fail her a lot *

 

[Marshmallow]

have you ever thought that 'Ana' isn't your best friend but something that is controlling you and gets you to do what it wants, do you think what your doing is unhealthy?? deep down in your heart do you feel what your doing is wrong or right??

im just trying to get to know you a bit better and how your thinking right now :smile:

vikki x

 

[**BeautyIsThin**]

I have thought that sometimes she isn't but then I look in the mirror and I know she's right * I guess sometimes I am unhealthy but I do try to be as healthy as I can * Like I take a vitamin everyday * And I drink lots of water * And I try not to fast very often * Only like once or twice a month * And I don't take laxatives (well, hardly ever) and I try really hard not to make myself throw up * I try to make sure I have breakfast everyday because that's what keeps your metabolism going and sometimes I force myself to eat a higher number of calories just to keep my metabolism guessing so it doesn;t get used to a low number * I know that other people see what I am doing as wrong but I don't know * Sometimes I feel bad like if I just threw up or something * But sometimes you have to take a bit of pain to get to your goal right? Most of the time, like if I've been good I feel really proud and ana loves me and makes me feel so light like I can float * She laughs in my ear and makes me smile and she shows me what I can look like if I lose more * She leads me and I follow because she is my best and only friend * She knows me better than anyone *

 

[Marshmallow]

maybe ana isn't your friend, mayeb shes trying to control you, get you to do things that deep down you know aren't right. if ana is your best friend then why is she making you do unhealthy things? a best friend doesn't do that do they? a best friend wants the best for you, but maybe what shes telling you isn't nessecarly what is truely best for you. You say that you sometimes feel guilty when you throw up, doesn't this show that deep down in your heart and sould you know what ana is making you do is wrong? deep down of you thought what you are doing is right you wouldn't feel that guilt would you?. ana showing you what you could look like is tempting you even deeper into this ED and im sure you dont want that so why follow her.
you dont need to follow ana deep down i think you know shes not your friend otherwise you wouldn't feel like this, we are your friends, rely on us.

vikki x

 

[**BeautyIsThin**]

She is my friend tho * She's the only one that has been there for me * The only one that has always been there * The one constant in my life * I want to please her * I want her to be proud of me * I want to be like she is * I do this to please her * To get thin * I so want to be thin * We stand at the mirror together and we both see my fat * I have to get rid of it * It weighs me down * It's so gross * I feel guilty when I throw up because that isn't what ana does * Ana is about willpower and staying empty * Throwing up is what mia does * Binging and puking * Sometimes it's like they're fighting over me but I will always stay true to ana because she's been there * Holding me and encouraging me * I want to follow her * She helps me *

I just want to say thankyou to you * Because I never said any of this to anyone before and its so nice that you are willing to talk nicely to me and that you want to know about how I feel but without being nasty * I think you are a nice person * So thankyou *

 

[Marshmallow]

She is my friend tho * She's the only one that has been there for me * The only one that has always been there * The one

id like to think that i can be there for you in some samll way :smile:

thank you for your kind remark, its greatly appreciated, thank you

as iv said before im not here to judge but to help and i hope im seen as a nice caring person because thats all i want to be, i want to gain a greater understanding of the way you feel as iv never talked about ED's before, iv never experienced it or talked to anyone who has been thru it, and i thank you for opening up to me just a little bit :smile:

 

[**BeautyIsThin**]

* That's ok * Maybe it is helping me in some way * I don't know * I don't feel good today * I feel like a failure * I ate too many calories and I didn't work out enough * I feel fat and horrible and disgusting and repulsive and everything else that's bad * Some boys leaned out of their car and called me "Fat bitch" when I was out running today * It was so horrible * I cried * I suppose they're right tho because I am a fat bitch * I'm not working hard enough * I need to sort myself out and start working properly * I need to be more motivated * I need to stop eating so much fat and crap * I'll hav eto work out indoors again now * I can't risk being seen if I go out * I hate today * I have been crap at everything *

 

[Casey.]

....I wish there was something I could say, but it would be innapropriate because I'm in your situation too. It SUCKS, I know it does. Hope you feel better.
Ash
BTW- It won't let me spam your inbox :P
keeps telling me I've sent too many in a certain ammount of time.