Ex-Girlfriend Raped Me *May trigger*

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Tanee, Jul 28, 2013.

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  1. Tanee

    Tanee Active Member

    A few weeks ago, after I left my fiance of 3 years, we ended up in a situation where we were spending the night in the same house, in the same bed.

    My ex, P, kept pushing for sex and I repeatedly said no for a good 2 hours. We are broken up, I don't want to sleep with you, it's not happening, etc.

    Then, I took my Ambien for sleep and my Ambien really has a fairly large effect on me and makes me feel almost "high".

    Once I took my medicine, she waited about 30 minutes, the point where she knows I can't walk down a hall way by myself, much less stop whatever she's doing.

    Then, she forced herself on me.

    I feel like I can't go to the police because it's "lesbian" rape and I live in a tiny town. Not to mention the fact that she had a rough lot in life and is only JUST starting to get everything together, I don't want to ruin her life by reporting her. I'm so lost and confused - I've never been the girl to just "lay down" and take it. I'm a fighter, I always have been. So I can't for the life of me figure out why I'm "letting" her get away with this???

    I need help, insight, advice, anything really that you can offer me.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Re: Ex-Girlfriend Raped Me

    I am on ambien, and yeah I agree when you start on it, it can really mess you up, make you disorientated cause amnesia etc..it can be a dangerous med I think. Yes you CAN go to the police and that would be the right thing to do, if you don't want to report her I understand that too and why. But really it was rape even if ye are lesbians and should be reported. :hug: to you, keep talking, it will likely help.
    Also, I am going to add a 'trigger warning' to the title of this thread as it might trigger someone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2013
  3. Tanee

    Tanee Active Member

    Re: Ex-Girlfriend Raped Me

    Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't even think to add the trigger warning. =/

    The police in my little-small-town-hickville would just laugh me out of the station, I'm just about sure of it. =/

    Another individual outside of the forum suggested I instead try and educate her on exactly WHY what she did was wrong and HOW she did it was wrong. I.e. waiting until I'm on my meds and can't stop her before doing anything.
    But I know she will see it not as "rape" but rather as "you-changed-your-mind-after-imbibing-a-mind-altering-substance-and-just-never-voiced-it". So I'm unsure of how to educate her on that mindset.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Re: Ex-Girlfriend Raped Me

    Tanee, I'm sorry to hear what happened. Please remember that you did not ask for this to happen and you were "taken advantage of", so it's not your fault in any way. :hug: Unwanted sexual touching - no matter who it is between - is considered "sexual assault" in most places these days. I understand that you might be concerned you'll face prejudice about the situation. How about calling a local sexual assault center/crisis line and getting support and info on possible steps in your region? The sexual assault line responders are usually very caring and knowledgeable. I hope you'll keep talking here, too, if it helps. Be safe.
  5. cleeda123

    cleeda123 Member

    Re: Ex-Girlfriend Raped Me

    "But I know she will see it not as "rape" but rather as "you-changed-your-mind-after-imbibing-a-mind-altering-substance-and-just-never-voiced-it". So I'm unsure of how to educate her on that mindset. "

    This sounds very much like the "drunk" excuse rapists often use to blame the victim. At the end of the day you did say no and waiting until you were medicated is taking advantage of the situation. I understand where you are coming from as I had a one night stand with a guy that ended in him doing things to me that I did not consent to, however as I was drunk and had invited him back to my flat, I felt like I could not press charges as it would not be taken seriously.

    However, No means no, no matter what kind of influence you are under. There are many rape crisis groups that will take you seriously and give you as much support as you need, as well as information and things that in turn, if you still feel like it, you can use to educate your ex.

    I hope that helps.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    No need to be sorry-just added the trigger warning as topics about rape are likely to trigger.
    As for the police laughing you out of the station, I don't think that's likely to happen even though i have no idea where hickville is, as Acy said..it is treated more seriously nowadays.
    Perhaps what that other person suggested could help too, but in my eyes.. I see that she clearly took advantage when she knew you were vulnerable because of the medication and in my eyes that says a lot about her. If I were you I'd cut all contact with her,just my opinion and I hope talking about it is helping you.
  7. Tanee

    Tanee Active Member

    Unfortunately, cutting all contact with her is pretty much not a possibility.

    Her two best friends that she lives with are my co-worker and his fiance, who I am also close friends with. We are both going to be in their wedding next July, and have to be around each other for all wedding plans and rehearsals.
    Then she is good friends with my daughter's father, who takes her to see my daughter often. Not to mention she is close with my daughter's Adopted Father. There's no way to cut complete contact with her without losing the small piece of family I still have and some truly amazing friends (who, already know about the situation and are taking lengths of their own to ensure it does not happen again).
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Ah, I see. That's difficult & awkward for you I'd imagine. I guess if you have to be around her then the suggestion someone gave you about telling her what she did was wrong might help the situation. You could write her a letter and explain how what she did was completely inappropriate and won't be happening again. It's a tough one since you have to see her. Good luck with whichever you choose to do. And remember you have your good friends and us for support, here's a hug :hug: :)
  9. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You may or may not be able to educate her as to why it was wrong , as it clearly was, but you can certainly educate her about how you feel about it. That it was not right and not appreciated. You can tell her you feel used and betrayed and in any words you choose to use - no need for any form of social etiquette as she forfeited that with her act. You have your reasons for not speaking out to others and i am not going to say you are wrong to decide not to - but you do not have to be silent to her. Whether in person, phone call or a letter you can speak and tell her so it is clear you know what happened and that it was not "nothing". Make certain she knows what you consider it - tell her she raped you and you know it and what you think of her for doing that at the very least. It may help not pretending you do not know if forced to be around her in other situations so you are not the one hiding and silent - let her be that one.
  10. Tanee

    Tanee Active Member

    Hello, everybody. Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice when I was feeling really vulnerable - you have no idea the strength it gave me.

    Since my last post, I sat down with my ex and discussed the events that lead to that night. A part of her still doesn't believe what she did was really and truly "rape", but she understands my feelings on the matter and we have agreed that we will still do our best to be friendly and civil towards each other, but nothing like this will EVER be happening again. It probably doesn't help that her "story" of the way things happened that night is completely different from my story of how things happened, but there's nothing I can do to change that.

    Once again, I really just want to thank all of you for being so thoughtful and so caring and so helpful. You're all absolutely amazing. Thank you so so much. <3
  11. eve1

    eve1 Member

    that was rape what she did, but if you care about this person than you want to make her understand what she did was bad, not punish her....sometimes we do bad things to people we love, and they do bad things to us...i hope both of you guys are better....by any means i am not trying to downplay rape, it's a serious thing... i'm sorry here's a buterfly for you :butterfly7: here's two :butterfly7::butterfly7:
  12. greenieguy

    greenieguy Banned Member

    Jamis winston a famous football player was accused of sexual assault even if its true all of florida will hate her and you cant break contact with a few lousy friends . Your friends are lousy if they expect you to hang out with someone who did that horrible stuff to you
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