Well I'm a 21 year old gay male, and had been increasingly getting into a desperate state in life. I don't consider myself depressed, but I can't stand the thought of going through like plodding along doing hobbies and having a job etc. There's very little in life that gives me any meaning, and I was starting to reach cracking point. I can't really make any true friends - I get along with everyone, but it just never seems to go further than that. The enormous majority of people I have no interest in becoming close friends with, I just get no pleasure out of the company. Same with relationships, I've spoken to thousands of gay guys online and met 30+ of them in real life, and I'd never really fallen for any of them. And then bam, 3 months ago I chance across my perfect guy. He's highly intelligent, a bit of a loner, a very unique look that appealed to me greatly, interesting, thoughtful, deep, quirky, just perfection. Over the course of a month I completely fall for him and we go out with each other for another month. At last I find some meaning in life, and he was the centre of my world. Shortly after he starts slipping away, and it all falls to pieces. He claims that it "just feels more natural" with girls, and that he's embarrassed about what had happened between us. We agree to be friends, and I start to really struggle with losing him. He keeps saying that maybe it's best "for my sake" if he just vanishes, to which I tell him that it's hard enough losing my lover, let alone my best friend too. Of course, he does though - without any warning he just stops talking to me a week ago. I've sent one text to him trying to keep my feelings under control and saying I still wanna be friends, no reply. So now it feels like I'm back to square one, and worse. After 8 years or something of looking I finally find someone who's right for me, and now they've gone I've got (realistically) quite a long wait to find someone else who I like in that way. Meanwhile I have no real friends and don't get any pleasure out of spending time with the vast majority of people, have no desire for a job of any description, find that hobbies are too meaningless, and generally can't see any path forward in life. I sit on my bed alone, day after day, wondering if there's any way to go forward or anything to do with my time that'll give me some meaning. I've tried a lot, nothing has yet worked. I'm staying healthy, don't drink alcohol, don't smoke etc - so I feel physically in great shape, yet my head's all over the place. I can't see how I can go on from here. I'm settling on specific plans with what I'm going to do, involving a final meeting with my ex and giving him all the money I have (quite a lot) as a goodbye present and wishing him well for the future. I have specific suicidal plans in place. Really I'd like to know whether it's worth pursueing someone after they've cut contact with you, especially if there's a chance they did it for your sake, or that they have internal feelings of believing "noone can love them" and therefore they drive everyone that gets close away in order to satisfy that. It's also made more difficult by the fact he's always been one to wait until someone else makes contact - he never makes contact with anyone first because he feels he's intruding, so I don't know whether it's best to chase after him or not - because if I don't he'll never come back. I know he'll never be back in a romantic sense, but I left myself utterly vulnerable from a friendship point of view and without him as a friend I'm a gonna I just want to spend time with him again. So do I chase after him? Is there anything to lose? Do I meet him for a goodbye meeting and give him all my cash? He's the most wonderful person I've ever met, and has the purest soul. If I can't enjoy my money, I want him to. I just feel totally and utterly lost in life and can see no path forward - been searching a long time and all I have to show for it is heartbreak from a failed relationship and day after day of sitting alone clueless what to do.