Ex help

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by jackk, May 2, 2010.

  1. jackk

    jackk New Member

    Well I'm a 21 year old gay male, and had been increasingly getting into a desperate state in life. I don't consider myself depressed, but I can't stand the thought of going through like plodding along doing hobbies and having a job etc. There's very little in life that gives me any meaning, and I was starting to reach cracking point. I can't really make any true friends - I get along with everyone, but it just never seems to go further than that. The enormous majority of people I have no interest in becoming close friends with, I just get no pleasure out of the company. Same with relationships, I've spoken to thousands of gay guys online and met 30+ of them in real life, and I'd never really fallen for any of them.

    And then bam, 3 months ago I chance across my perfect guy. He's highly intelligent, a bit of a loner, a very unique look that appealed to me greatly, interesting, thoughtful, deep, quirky, just perfection. Over the course of a month I completely fall for him and we go out with each other for another month. At last I find some meaning in life, and he was the centre of my world.

    Shortly after he starts slipping away, and it all falls to pieces. He claims that it "just feels more natural" with girls, and that he's embarrassed about what had happened between us. We agree to be friends, and I start to really struggle with losing him. He keeps saying that maybe it's best "for my sake" if he just vanishes, to which I tell him that it's hard enough losing my lover, let alone my best friend too. Of course, he does though - without any warning he just stops talking to me a week ago. I've sent one text to him trying to keep my feelings under control and saying I still wanna be friends, no reply.

    So now it feels like I'm back to square one, and worse. After 8 years or something of looking I finally find someone who's right for me, and now they've gone I've got (realistically) quite a long wait to find someone else who I like in that way. Meanwhile I have no real friends and don't get any pleasure out of spending time with the vast majority of people, have no desire for a job of any description, find that hobbies are too meaningless, and generally can't see any path forward in life. I sit on my bed alone, day after day, wondering if there's any way to go forward or anything to do with my time that'll give me some meaning. I've tried a lot, nothing has yet worked. I'm staying healthy, don't drink alcohol, don't smoke etc - so I feel physically in great shape, yet my head's all over the place. I can't see how I can go on from here.

    I'm settling on specific plans with what I'm going to do, involving a final meeting with my ex and giving him all the money I have (quite a lot) as a goodbye present and wishing him well for the future. I have specific suicidal plans in place. Really I'd like to know whether it's worth pursueing someone after they've cut contact with you, especially if there's a chance they did it for your sake, or that they have internal feelings of believing "noone can love them" and therefore they drive everyone that gets close away in order to satisfy that. It's also made more difficult by the fact he's always been one to wait until someone else makes contact - he never makes contact with anyone first because he feels he's intruding, so I don't know whether it's best to chase after him or not - because if I don't he'll never come back. I know he'll never be back in a romantic sense, but I left myself utterly vulnerable from a friendship point of view and without him as a friend I'm a gonna :( I just want to spend time with him again.

    So do I chase after him? Is there anything to lose? Do I meet him for a goodbye meeting and give him all my cash? He's the most wonderful person I've ever met, and has the purest soul. If I can't enjoy my money, I want him to. I just feel totally and utterly lost in life and can see no path forward - been searching a long time and all I have to show for it is heartbreak from a failed relationship and day after day of sitting alone clueless what to do.
  2. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    Chasing something that doesn't want you only makes you look even more pathetic and unattractive in his eyes, I'm sure. When someone neglects you and turns off contact, they are ridding themselves of an attachment to you. From what you said, it seems as if he's already told you goodbye and you thought it was "see you later".

    I used to be a clinger, easily attached to new and attractive people I would come across romantically, and realized that was actually a strong red flag and turn-off. To my mate, it was as if I had no ambitions of my own outside of him and being in his presence. You said you don't want a job, no hobbies, no other friends, nothing outside of romantically pursuing and chasing this person, who has no affection for you, to become his Siamese twin. I know how you feel because I have been there, trying to catch something that doesn't require nor desire to get got. That's not a good look.

    As hard as it's going to be, and as much as it's going to hurt, you will eventually have to just let him go and live his life without you, and you will have to do the same. It's going to take a long time to get over him, I won't lie. You can do better than this and, in the meantime, find something you're interested in instead of romantic pursuits, because the more desperate you become to attach to another person, the more heartbreaks you will have. Just take it one day at a time and find something else to get into with all of that money. :hug:
  3. jackk

    jackk New Member

    Thanks Prinnctopher :) that means a lot :hug:
  4. minime

    minime Well-Known Member

    Hi, jackk...sorry for your heartbreak. Unrequited love hurts very much but don't give him your money because it might look like you are trying to buy his affection. I don't have an answer for your relationship but if you have all that money, why don't you splurge on yourself to get you out of the doldrums? Go to a place you have always wanted to go to...me I would go to places like Venice or Florence or Milan if I had money to give away :) Why give it to him - methinks give it to thineself and perhaps get thee a new perspective....

    *plink* two cents :)

    hugs, hope you feel better.
  5. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    i wish i had an answer for you. but if nothing else let me be a cautionary tale. i feel for a mostly straight guy. we messed around some and became very close. he would lead me on, then back away, lead me on, then back away. i wasted so many good years of my life on him and now i'm too old to really get what i want. don't waste your efforts and time on him and wind up like me. old and lonely.