ex in trouble - don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by thefriend, Jan 20, 2007.

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  1. thefriend

    thefriend Member

    I don't know what to do. I think my ex might be suicidal. He's called me so many times this week at every hour uncontrollably sobing, has had a panic attack, been sent home from work because he can't get it together... he talks about not being able to handle the pain of me not being with him. I've told him I'm there for him and I care about him and that I support him and want to help him get better, but he says the only thing that will make him feel better is knowing that i'll get back together with him. I can't do that.

    What happened is that we were together for over 2 years and it was rough - things were bad and now he's come to a "realization" about it all and feels guilty and it's as if everything has hit him at once and he says he can't go on without being given a chance to make it up to me and try again... He has looked into getting counselling, but it takes a while... and in the meantime he's calling me sobbing 11 times a night. I can't tell him what he wants to hear - that i promise to get back together with him in the future, once he works through all of this - but i can't go on with things the way they are because it's not healthy for either of us.

    I've tried calling various help numbers to find out what i should do. But I almost think that the best thing would be to remove myself completely from the situation - maybe talking to me only just keeps opening the wound... but i don't want to make him think i'm abandoning him... i'm so confused and feel so trapped and guilty about all of this.

    If anyone has experienced something similar to this or knows of a number to call that will actually help and tell you what to do please pass it on. I just want him to get better.

    thanks for listening
     
  2. Old_Man_Kensey

    Old_Man_Kensey Well-Known Member

    i suck at giving advice, but sometimes u got to be cruel...Maybe it s for the best...Any chance he s exaggerating to get your attention?
     
  3. thefriend

    thefriend Member

    yes... he's very manipulative. i was very much a "mother" to him in the relationship. i'm just scared if i cut him out he'll do something stupid - how do you know if it's ok to take that chance? I have to do something though... it's affecting me to the point that i had to come home from work early today bacause now I can't keep it together and it upsets me so much that i'm throwing up and can't stop crying. I guess I just need to know it's ok to "abadon" him - as he called it.
     
  4. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I agree with old man kensey, sometimes you have to be a little mean. I know it will hurt him but it may be for the best. I don't think it's right if he starts threatening to do stuff if you don't promise things whether it being manipulative or not because that just adds stress to your life and that's not fair to you. In the end you have to follow your heart and if you think that cutting him off completely would be best than you should probably do so.
     
  5. Ixtab™

    Ixtab™ Member

    ...ive become quite the bitter piece of shit
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2007
  6. immure

    immure Account Closed

    these things can be sooooooooooo complecated. i send my ((((()))))) to both
    it is a scarie thing. just be gentle to each other. in the end its kindness that will carry u through the pain.
     
  7. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I have been abandoned and being "cut off" did not solve anything for me. It just hurt more, like another person died. If he does anything, it is his own actions. If you cannot deal with guilt now, it may be harder/easier later. Is he prone to this behavior or not mature to handle the break-up?
    I don't really have advice. Both sides hurt is all I can say.
     
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Maybe if you don't let your ex use you to say things too, he will have to face the reality that he needs some help. And it is help beyond what you can offer. Sometimes we need to have tough love. Very hard to do, but sometimes necessary. I think you are right in thinking you need to remove yourself from the situation. You need to take care of yourself, and if that means walking away, then walk away.
     
  9. Old_Man_Kensey

    Old_Man_Kensey Well-Known Member

    u can t always be good and helping others...some times it s everyman for himself.After all, even if you are his safety pillow right now, this won t last for long...He has to learn to depend on himself otherwise you are both gonna end up bad
     
  10. thefriend

    thefriend Member

    I just wanted to thank everyone for your comments and support. I cut it off with him last night - it was so incredibly hard to do, but I know it's for the best. I think he understands. He's getting help - help that i, myself, can't provide - hopefully things will work out for the best. Thank you all again.
     
  11. Do you love him?

    DO NOT cut him off.
    Every counsellor/therapist I have consulted
    would never tell you to cut him off.
    Do not cut him off!
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2007
  12. thecleric

    thecleric Guest

    Screw him. Just change your phone number.

    You are abandoning him. That's the whole point. But if that makes you feel sad, too bad. I've been abandoned. It hurts. I don't have any sympathy for your "plight."
     
  13. BeenThere

    BeenThere Guest

    Wow intense...but i am not sure if that was called for.Sorry you were abandoned Thecleric but it isnt right to say others should suffer because you have.
     
  14. thefriend

    thefriend Member

    If you don't have any sympathy for someone's plight then why waste your time and reply without any constructive feedback or advise?
     
  15. immure

    immure Account Closed

    i understand what ur goin through. u will find little support for it is something that makes little sence but i trust u r makin the choices that r right for both of u. with individuals like this they usually wait for others to set boundries that they should have but don t i know its hard hope u stay strong
     
  16. thecleric

    thecleric Guest

    Because you're spending so much energy thinking "I'm not a bad person!" that you're willing to make such risible statements as "I don't want him to think I'm abandoning him." Grow up. You're doing something crappy. Maybe you think you have to. Maybe your ex-boyfriend will get better. If he does, it'll be despite you, not because of you.
     
  17. thefriend

    thefriend Member

    Correction - I am not "spending so much energy thinking 'I am not a bad person!'" My entire purpose of posting anything on this site was to get help and advice on how to help him - I don't think the person picking fights on a help forum should be the one telling anybody to "grow up."
     
  18. gannon

    gannon Member

    Well I Don't know If will be help for or not but . . .
    if he treated you bad, then you should "abandon" him, especially if he's already expressed to you how he feels and won't leave you alone because all he's doing is trying to manipulate you, with a guilt trip, and it's not your fault, if he'd appreciated you to begin with he wouldn't of got himself into the postion he's in, and the postion he put you in is a position nobody should be put in.
     
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