Ex wife

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Crue-K, Feb 10, 2009.

  1. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    I have been divorced for over 2 years now, and even though I have had a couple of relationships since, I still can't get rid of my feelings for my ex wife. We were together for 12 years, we got married at 20. She put up with my bipolar behaviour for all that time including my hospitalisations, paranoia, spending sprees etc etc. When I finally started agreeing to take medication it was too late for my marriage. It makes it worse by the fact that we remain good friends/ Now I am medicated, I am a different person than I used to be and I hate it. I am so lonely and have a cant be bothered attitude to life. The stigma of being a mental health patient is intense, I hate having to have by blood checked every 3 months, psychaiatrist and cpn appointments every month. I really feel my life is so worthless and cannot see a future. I am going to be 34 in march and the thought of another 34 years is unbearable. I sometimes feel hate towards the people who saved my life by resuciating me on my 2 suicide attempts. I hate the fact that so want to try it again and my feelings are strong to do it but I haven't gopt the bottle to try again. I have become so desentisized to other peoplkes views and feelings that I feel I am becoming subhuman. I desperatly would like to go back to my late teens when I was diagnosed and stayed on medications I was prescribed, my life may have turned out so different or maybe not. UUmmm, i;ve said enough I think.
  2. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    when will it fucking stop snowing?:jason:
  3. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    when i broke up with my other half many years ago, i had to learn to live my life all over again, being a single after being involved in with her for almost 10 years. Biy, it was really tough. All I felt was emptiness and although i deeply wanted her back, she was unwilling and only wanted us to remain friends at an arms length. What has happenned has already happenned and you've got to learn to move on, It's tough though. Time will heal.
  4. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    I know, I have to move on but it is so hard. I'm not sure if i really miss being with her or just miss being in along a term relationship. Assuming I don't attempt to top myself again, I just don't want to grow old and be'that old loner who lives by himself'. Even though I have been bipolar for 17 years or so, it's only since I started taking regular medication that I started to feel such a loser. In previous jobs, they usually put up with my eccentric behaviour and mood swings as i deliverd results. Now the thought of working full time again scares the hell out of me.

    I have got so much I want to say and get off my chest but cant manage it. There is only so much you can say on these forums. Even in my regular psych and cpn appointments i keep quiet. I am heading for a major malfunction sooner or later. The urge to kill myself is so strong yet I know I would be making the wrong choice. I need an outlet for my pain and suffering. Maybe a killing spree....only joking......or am I :jason: