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Exaltation and change.

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"It" has been changing, perhaps it always has. "It" being the very fabric of my existence. Every thread a decision, a quirk, a fault, a virtue.

Now I may exclaim "It's here! Change!". A shroud lifted. Metamorphoses of the soul. Uncovering the naked self.

My call to adventure. "Long Long ago, when wishing still could lead to something". I revelled in the dreams of tomorrow, Mañana forever. "I have potential." Paying no heed to the importunity for adventure. A change of life, ideals and love.
I see now how I refused the call to adventure, I stood idle as the dark void grew around me. I've been unyielding to change.
I have accepted my depression, my lack of personality, redeemable qualities, wasted potential. I hid as realities of making decisions, doing work, and becoming someone grew closer. I hid as the adult world grew closer. "I am an adult." I would repeat to myself.-I'm old enough to vote, to drink, to drive.
"I can be social, I just choose to do other stuff." I repeated again, and again.
"Why should I change?" I have asked myself. "This is not my fault.", "I had a messed up childhood, maybe it's something in my brain." These things I would say, whilst denying the true culprit.

I am to blame. I have been the sole reason for not progressing, not developing in life. Perhaps it should hurt to say this, perhaps I should feel shame. But somehow I do not. I am not shameful that I delayed my life the way I have. I am now in service of myself.
Wallowing in despair got me nowhere, it didn't gain me the love I missed as a child. No-one pities someone who pities themselves.

It is time for the future. To pursue childhood dreams, work for the things I believe I deserve. Make an impact in society.

Here and now, how dare I claim an imminent victory?
I am Columbus, sailing for the new world. I am stepping into the unknown. I am crossing the first threshold.
Beyond me is darkness, the unknown, and danger.

I am now in a different domain.
Out of my comfort zone.
I have always experienced high levels on anticipatory anxiety. But now, I feel calm. Likened to smooth waves, a calm breeze.
This is different than the disinterest, the dissociation. I have experienced so many times. There's a clarity, unprecedented in my mind.

These are truly, steps into a new world. One of ambition, determination, acceptance, self empowerment.

It's here! Change!
The remarkable changes that have arrived, have led to action.
I am enrolling into college again. With the determination to see it through.
My house is clean. I am doing what's needed to be healthy. Quiting smoking, doing sports, starting a diet.
Finances have never been so organised in my life. Whilst, yes I have saved money in the past. It was more due to not having reasons to spend it, than due to being responsable.

I am yet looking for a companion, though I have in yesteryear's craved the physical. I am now ready to share this new found love.


Closing.
For those in search for this change. I am sorry for not having a "how to". Whilst yes, I've worked hard, to achieve this. All I can do is suggest, as I wish onto you, what I've deep inside wished for myself. Happiness.
For those struggling, look inside. Write down the cold hard truths of your past. Write down your faults, and perhaps more importantly your virtues. What will your adventure be?


The past.
I was born on January 21st, 1995.
My parents were married, and had already brought two of my sisters into this world. A year and a half after my arrival, my younger sister was born.
As you could imagine it can be difficult being the only boy with 3 sisters. Nevertheless my first few years were in childhood bliss, as I did not understand the struggles my parents were having at the time. And so, at four years old. Divorce happened seemingly out of nowhere.
My older sisters had a grasp of what it meant, I however did not. I cried with my sisters, perhaps that it would console them.

Life changed in a blink then, from one moment of arguing parents, moving boxes in the living room, to a new environment. My mother moved out, taking us with her. Things were well for a while then.
School progressed at it's regular phase, though I started to become disinterested. Why bother with maths questions when playing is way more fun. Who needs this stuff anyways?
As a few years passed. Out of sight, a custody battle was raging. Suddenly things seemed to change from one week to the next. We got to stay at our old house again with our father on the weekends. His cooking sucked. Often handling four kids, most of which wanting care and attention every minute. It became too much, he started to get stressed out.
Meanwhile, my mother who wasn't working, was also feeling the weight of four kids. No-one can handle that on their own. So increasingly we were sent to daycare, or to the care of my grand parents. Within me, everything started to boil over. This was not a stable place for a child to be. I became more and more frustrated, having fits of rage. Completely losing interest in school.

With time things settled inside my head. I became more apathetic as I grew older. Becoming addicted to video games. Escaping from the real world.

My oldest sister moved in with my Grand parents, my other two sisters and I moved to my father. Now things were reversed, only seeing my mother on weekends. This irked her, how dare someone take HER kids away right? My mother declined into alcohol. Stopped taking her BPD medication, and derailed.

My younger sister and I wanted to go to my mother less and less. As I entered high-school, I had no interest in visiting her at all anymore. Thus school proceded, still without much care for maths and French. I was lost. So much opertunity, but what to do with it?

This is when I got re-acquainted with a childhood friend. He was into music, so we started hanging out more and more. Making music, doing short films, photography. Anything there was to do, we did. That was the first real fun I had in years.
We continued our tirade of random arts. Meanwhile I started to see perspective. "I could do something with this." and I started taking high-school courses in Photography, video. I even played bass in a rock band for a while. As exams grew closer, I started to doubt and worry. Feeling like a fraud. I wasn't raised with much music, never did much with arts. I'm not supposed to pursue this as a career.
I steeped into depression, anxiety, eating disorders. I ended up getting denied for the colleges I applied for. Besides my very last resort, IT. Great! I enjoy computers, I use them every day. This will go swimmingly.
Somehow along the way, the friendships I built over the previous years, all disappeared during the time of depression. I was on my own again.

I guess I could use a counselor. So I started seeing a psychiatrist. I was 18 at the time. "It seems you have some deep rooted issues."- Great, let's go medication. It helped somewhat, I suppose. But suicide attempts and self-harm continued being thing.
Then I was found. After another attempt, suddenly hospitals were involved. I got admitted.

This is new. I guess nice. it's comfortable enough. No need to do a lot, no-one expects you to do anything.

I got revitalized, I got different jobs. Started studying electrical engineering in my own time. Got a job as an audio repair technician. It was nice. My mood still wasn't stable, but my psychiatrist and I kept trying to improve that.

Forward to 2017, Trump presidency in full swing. Most entertaining to me a European.
My mood never got quite right. Still had loads of anxiety, still a social recluse. Start wishing for change. Go on holidays, to different places. But somehow depression follows you around.
August 2017, I have quit my job. Decided to start focusing on something new, aim for college. I am however still trying to avoid all of this. I go on another holiday, this time to London with a friend. There's some girls in our shared room in the hostel, so we decide to invite them for drinks. One Australian girl and one petit French girl. We end up spending the next few days with them sight-seeing and all the touristy shit.
The last day before the girls leave, we decide to go to a club, like a goodbye party or something. Somewhere during the night the Australian girl turns to me, and asks me if I'm fine. Ofcourse you say yes, even if you're not. But maybe because of the drinks, or her piercing eyes. I felt terrible, she spotted me carrying my depression with me in a few days of knowing eachother. I completely broke there.

That was the call to adventure. The call to change.
She managed without saying the words, to tell me; "Look at you, you're pathetic. You say you want change, but you're not even trying.". Of course she was more gentle, more sisterly and caring.
Thank you kind stranger, for that sisterly love. May we meet again.

Change since then has been slow. But I've been fighting.


The Future.
I'm not a natural optimist, and I'm not particularly industrious. But my current future starts with college. My efforts have been paying off, I got accepted into multiple colleges. Now the choice is mine. I'll be starting this August. Going into the realm of childhood dreams. I want to become a paramedic.
The initial courses already are going to take up four years of my life. Which I'm willing to lay down, for that dream.
I'm determend to continue improving my health. Gain new skills. Find new hobbies. I am currently learning how to play the piano, so wish me luck.
Besides that, I'd like to start reading more books. Which ones is undecided. Perhaps I should start keeping a diary?


My adventure is yet complete.
 

dtc

at least that's what I keep telling myself!
#2
Sounds like you've had a pretty rough run of it @CrashArtemis! , so it's great that you've found these forums as this isn't something you need to deal with alone. I've found nothing but caring, supportive people on here who are always willing to listen, and if they've experienced something similar, will only be too willing to let you know what's worked for them.

Have you sought any professional help for the way you're feeling? As I said, you'll get nothing but support here, but the help of a professional can be invaluable when you're feeling the way you are.


Some very talented people here have put together a video which is really worth a watch, it gives some context to why you are currently feeling the way you do, and why you don't have yourself to blame for it. You can find it at http://suicideforum.com/community/threads/sf-youtube-channel-and-first-video.129935/

Keeping a diary can be a great way of working through things as can posting here to get others thoughts.

Take care
 
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