I'm not even sure what to say or how. I joined this forum on a whim but shortly after decided to put some effort into it and give it a fair shot. However, I'm still not sure if I'll be sticking around. As usual I don't really feel like I fit in here. Fit in isn't exactly what I mean but close enough. I don't really think my words help anybody either. Anyway, I'm 37. I come from a broken home. My father abandoned us. My mother suffers from mental illness as well. She's never really faced the reality of her problems or just can't see it. So, she can see all the psychiatrists in the world. She'll never get better, though, because they won't know the full scope of what's going on. We've never had a good relationship. She kicked me out when I was 16. I'd never had a job or experience with the real world. My depression was already full blown. So, through the years I've been an alcoholic, homeless, etc.. I have had jobs. I went to college long enough to get an Associate's degree. I was doing a little better year before last. I went to a four year school but had to drop out because things just got worse and worse. I haven't been able to work for a few years. I had to go on disability. I had to quit my last job because I was having panic attacks. It turned out I also have SAD. At some point I had to move back into my mother's house. She's beyond what you call a hoarder or pack rat. Every room in the house is at least waste deep in stuff, newspapers, stuff she's bought that she'll never use and so on. It's not even just that. This house holds so many bad memories and pain for me. The holes I punched in the walls and other damage I did during my teens are still there. So every day I'm constantly reminded of everything. I don't know how to get out of here. I don't think it's possible to get well living here. I don't have any friends. "Family" members have just given up on me one by one. I didn't mean to give my life story but I don't feel like editing it. I only see one way out and it's always on my mind.