How are you supposed to deal with being a second rate human being? It's one of the greatest reasons in the past why I've been so suicidal, I have no real coping mechanism, I just want to be over my afflictions but I can never and will never get over them, i think to myself how do other people deal with these things? I'm not the only one, and I still have my health dispite a few disfigurements, I'm not in any physical pain and I'm actually very fit, I can run and I find gaining muscle very easily (one of the few graces I have). I had a friend awhile back who had systic fiberosis, it stunted his growth, made him very pale and overall fairly weak. He had to watch where he went in public because he couldn't defend himself physical at all if mugged or beaten up. In many ways he had things a lot worse than me, no girls ever showed him any interest at all, he was a virgin when I knew him and I don't think he'd ever kissed a girl, he was 25 years old then too. Unforunately with systic fiberosis you don't live to that great of an age either. He rarely seemed depressed, maybe his sex drive was somewhat lower, but he seemed geniuenly happy most of the time. I don't understand how he can cope or how others cope. I think I'm pretty much coming to the end of my days to be honest, I'm already investigating how to get on a firing range. If I could use one word to describe my life it's all been very momentary, nothing ever leads anywhere, I don't seem to progress in life. It's like ground-hog day, next day it's all gone and I'm all on my own again. All positive developments in my life have failed me, despite geniune efforts, I often feel like there's some hidden metaphysics keeping me down and in a underdog position. What I've got in life isn't as bad as most people who are damned, there's kids out there in the world who live and die without ever sleeping in a bed or never knowing what it's like to be full after a meal. People who are completely without any kind of worth at all . Why do all the little things get to me soo badly? I've read a bit of Freud and he seems to think it's the conditions in which you were brought up in that make you feel so worthless later on in life. I had a hard childhood, my father was very aggressive and violent towards me, my older brother constantly mocked me and tried to bully me all the time and there was a whole host of other problems, but that is LIFE, loads of people have to stomach that shit and they're not day-dreaming constantly about jumping off building and planning trips to a gun range to blow their own head off. I just don't get it, I guess I don't want to get used to it either, I don't want to be alone all my life.