Rough kind of time dealing with some stuff in recent days. I've thought about SH, perhaps I should say fantasized about SH. I couldn't do what I normally would and so I tried to do other things to help. They didn't. And when I say thought about, I mean a lot, o er and over. I know for me it's a way to deal and cope with stuff. I know it's not a good thing but it's not terribly bad either as I've entertained thoughts of substances etc. to try and cope too. Anyhow, now I'm at this place that, shortly, I will be able to cut. And I'm excited about it. I mean it's like it's own drug. It's a longing, perhaps, to feel in control again. I don't even think I want to try not to, today. Gosh, what a merry little mess I am.