Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Psychosomatattack, Jun 13, 2012.

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  1. Psychosomatattack

    Psychosomatattack Active Member

    I don't even know what to say...

    What does anyone care that I am suicidal? I think a lot of people find it amusing. No? Like, "Haha, she wants to kill herself, how pathetic." Okay, not everyone, but some people. Guess you can't control how people think though.

    I can't even organize my thoughts, at all. I am just so depressed and hopeless and don't even know where to start.

    Well, I guess I am starting with going to the ER today to be evaluated for an inpatient program at a psych hospital.

    The pain from a recent trip to visit someone is still fresh in my mind. It was a total disaster. I left a day early. I should have known better than to try to have a romantic relationship with someone in this state of mind, but I tried anyway. Without going into all the details - too painful and exhausting to write out - it was just terribly awkward and my social anxiety, BDD and depression got the best of me.

    Now I am sitting here, and I honestly think this is the most suicidal I have ever been in my life so far. I just don't know how to go about it, I'm too afraid, and it probably won't work, but I really WANT to die. I feel like I have to. I am weird-looking and awkward and insecure and have no friends where I live.

    The person I visited a few days ago has so many friends, and they are all wonderful and have beautiful houses. I am so jealous.

    I don't know why I'm even writing this here, I am so desperate but no one even knows me, and what can anyone do? Ultimately it's up to me and I've given up on myself, I don't have the strength. What do you do when you've given up on yourself and no one else can fix you (obviously)? Just stare at the walls and try to fight back the emotional pain that keeps coming in waves, threatening to break you apart but won't - because that would be a mercy. No, your heart continues to beat, and it's excruciating.

    Yeah, I know, this post was so long. And emo. Ugh. But I can't help it. I am so lost. Just so so lost.

    I am starting with going to the hospital. I have little hope that will help, and then I don't know what I will do, just panic and be miserable.

    But for now, I guess I should just focus on the hospital.

    Maybe I'm wrong, maybe all isn't as hopeless as it seems...

    I'm doubtful though :'(
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    sorry if this is how you feel. i think its a good idea you try the hospital as you have mentioned and don't forget to post back and say how that's going.
  3. yep

    yep Well-Known Member

    Maybe you are wrong and maybe you are right, if you are wrong that's OK because it is part of learning, if you are right that too is part of learning. Just remember, you are not alone, here we care about you.
  4. Monoka

    Monoka Well-Known Member

    You will never be judged on here and we understand better than most, your desire not to be dramatic, but just to get away from the pain. Humans are naturally very comparative with those around us and the happier others are around us, the worse we feel. try not to compare yourself with your friends- but easier said than done.

    maybe trying to start a relationship didnt come at the best of time but all credit to you for trying to live around your depression. also visiting ER is probably a very wise move, and just remember that we do have some idea how you feel and can hopefully help in times of need.

    Take care
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