Excuse me if I piss you off!!!

[itmahanh]

Yes this is a vent, nothing more. But I need to get it out. I need to know that I still count. Or if everything has turned out just the way it always does?

There are certain people in my life that I have come to love and depend on greatly of late. Promises were made that I took and believed with my heart. Words were said that I let settle within me and they gave me such comfort. Comfort in knowing that I would not be alone anymore. Where are they? Where are those people, promises and words?

I'm in such a dark place right now. And I keep telling myself so are those other people too. I need to believe that. Because if I dont then the only other thing to believe is that once again the promises were nothing. Like they always end up being. And I am just a stupid ass for letting myself believe. And guilty of once again hurting myself by believing people liked me for me.

I have always been and always will be there for people when they need me. I'm there no matter how I am or where my mind is. I need to help others as a way to help myself. I need to feel like I am actually making someone elses burdens a little more easier to carry.

But I need someone now. So I call and leave messages. I text. I email. Nothing. And it makes me feel like I'm nothing. Maybe that's my biggest mistake. I let myself think I'm important to others. That I can atleast make them giggle for a few seconds when their world is crashing around them. No matter what time or what Im doing I'm there for others. And I stick it out til I hear that little giggle. God I'm walking on clouds then. When I know someone else through my stupid sense of humor or silliness has had one little giggle. And then I'm there for the next time they need me again. Why? Because I know too well how much I need the same thing. Just to have someone that cares take the time to listen for a few minutes and try to lighten my spirits just a teeny weeny bit. No big words of wisdom. No solutions to my problems. Just someone who cares to listen when I need them.

But since my last attempt, they, except one, have all disappeared. And that really hurts. That after all we have been through together I'm not worth a quick email message or text line or a quick call to say "hey just so busy right now but wanted to let you know I still care." One brave soul is still there. But he isnt in a position that we can call each other very easily. But we email regularly. And this morning while I struggled with the urges and was quickly assuring myself that today was to be my last..... my phone rang and it was him. My God it felt incredible to hear another voice. One that cares and understands. Not a professional or agency that only talks because they have to. A person that took a few minutes in a very hectic schedule to call and say "hey, I'm worried about you." After I hung up I cried, my whole body cried and really hasnt stopped yet. Not a sad cry but a relieving cry and a cry because someone out there thinks of me.

Dont others believe me or in me? Dont they believe when I say I'm there no matter what? That when I say I care, or love that it's unconditional? I doubt these things because others obviously doubt my word. My promises. Doubt me. And I should get angry. But I dont. I always turn it around to it having to be something I did or didnt say. Something I did or didnt do. Something. Me.

Then I read things saying they need someone. They've been left all alone. That they need to hear something reassuring because they are doing so badly right now. Each a slap in my face. Arent I someone? Havent I reassured over and over again I'm there no matter what? So I make the calls, emails and texts once again to have them fall into oblivion. No returns of any kind. And the "what did I do or not do's " again fill my head.

This isnt intended to guilt anyone. It's just my way of trying to figure out why? What did I do wrong? And maybe that if those other people are reading this and havent gotten in touch with me because they might feel guilty, my way of saying I'm still here. I'm sitting waiting for that call or email or text. I still care and love you. I'm here like I promised. Dont feel guilty or bad just let me know you are still there. I havent gone anywhere and still want those people in my life.

It has reassured one thing for me though. Something I should of stuck to when I said it to myself before. I am here to be used and abused. My ex was right. So I WILL NOT let anyone else into my heart again. Why hurt myself like that? Why give myself false hopes? Why do to myself what others regularly do for me?

Pathetic. That's me just pathetic. Guess the people I've come to rely on have realized it. They've moved on. Hell I'm trying to. But I keep fucking up my attempts. And am left with the after math alone and waiting for when I can attempt again. Cuz right now, honest to God it's all I have. Me, myself and I. And they are all hurting too much to do anything for me at all.

 

[Bambi]

I am always here for you!

 

[itmahanh]

Why? Why do people say they care? I'm no more or less important than the next person that is feeling suicidal. But I'm not stupid. I see the lies in their eyes. When the nurses at the crisis unit tell you talk if you need to. But when you do they have only the answers that they were taught to use. Or if you actually have intelligent denials that it wont work to the suggestions they offer the will actually get angry with you. I've crossed some imaginary line. The professionals, the same thing. All the same lip service over and over. They are afraid to step out of that little box that they have hidden themselves away in. The boxes that keep them safe from us. In my case it's almost like if I have the intelligence to seek out help then I also have the intelligence enough to just make it all work. The energy to take it all on by myself. Sorry :duh:

I've heard it all in the years that I've been battling my mental health issues and suicidal urges. I know what they are saying. I tried what they are offereing. Really earnestly tried. But they become deaf and mute when I try to explain it to them. I need someone to "teach" me how to use the skills they are throwing at me. Help me to find the energy to do the things that they suggest are going to turn my life around. Show me how to apply these skills to my life. But I get annoyed glares and silence. As if I've just uttered some sort of threat to them. And in a way I guess I have. Because everytime I state that I need help or for them to teach me I get passed along to some other professional or agency, or sent home.

For example.... I"ve been told that I need to set boundaries and keep them. No shit!!!! It's a problem I've had for most of my life. Making everyone more important than myself and not being able to set the boundaries I need to make myself more important. Family, friends and yes even professionals. I cant set those bnoundaries and keep them. So "teach" me how to do that. Tell me step by step what I need to do. Explain the methods one uses to build that skill. Just telling aint gonna do it. Obviously or I wouldnt keep coming back with the same problem and getting the same lip service. And we could both move on. It would be a win-win situation for all involved.

But NO. Same glares and mute faces. As if I've just said the most insane thing that they have ever heard! "How am I suppose to teach you that?" I dont know.... you're the one offering it as the answer. When you are at school and the teacher tells you something, they generally have the tools to teach you how to learn to use what you are being taught. If you break a bone the doctor sets it and then tells you and shows you what to do to get better. How is the advice all these professionals are throwing at me any different? If I knew how to do all these things they would be out of a job!!! Is that what they are scared of? My God if they taught me then I might teach others and they wouldnt be needed anymore? Ahhh dont think so. Cuz there will always be others like me that just want to learn if someone would take the time to care as much as they claim to!!!! No apple for you today!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bad professional.....bad bad professional.

Think it's time some of these professionals asked for the same thing I'm asking for. Someone to reteach them just like I'm trying to relearn. Remind them what is means to care and mean it. And show them that life seldom follows the pages and chapters of a book written by someone that has never lived what they have written on those pages.

 

[itmahanh]

Infraction? Probably. Do I care? No. Something about freedom of speech keeps gnawing away at the tiny corner of my brain where it tries to live.

Standards. Are they always going to be double? I sure as shit hope in Heaven or Hell they arent. Because most of my life they have been. In places that I have had to be. Places where I have chosen to be. In love, sex, friendships and relationships. They are everywhere in my life.

I try to be exactly what you see or get. I dont lie. I dont break promises. And I dont set one set of standards for one friend and others for the next friend. I expect what I give. To be honest and to be treated fairly. That's all. Too simple maybe? Should I be making huge demands and expecting some special treatment when I find myself in the company of others? When I join an organization should I expect different standards and regulations for me or even a select group of people and the others allowed different standards?

Double standards.... they make things too difficult. It makes a person's mind work overtime trying to make sure it follows the rules, the protocol, the "team spirit". And just when you think you have it down, you understand, it all changes.

Double standards in anything hurt. A deep hurt that often wont be healed or fixed. A hurt that dredges up hurts of the past. Hurts that helped to form the opinion one often has of themself. Hurts that one may of thought were locked up and the key long ago thrown away. Hurts that push people to places they really dont want to go.

Double standards. Who do they really accommadate? The person that makes them? The group as a whole? Or no one in particular?

Unfortunately they exist everywhere. But they seem to rear their ugly heads in the places that one least expects them. In friendships where you are led to believe all that you put out will be returned. But when the return should happen, it doesnt.

In situations where you are guaranteed that someone has your back like you have had for them in the past. But when you fall no one is there to catch you.

In relationships where you are led to believe you hold an equal standing with the other person that professes love and devotion. Only to find it never really existed. That when you're turn to stand up comes you are only allowed to stand in the wings and watch. You have no rights to decisions or "making the call" like the other does.

Even here. Double standards that are set by staff, admin and members as well. How does someone like me find the courage to keep reaching out for help and support when in reality it isnt meant to be? Rules and regulations change according to the need of the moment or particular situations. Yet those very rules are meant to be the strength of the forum.

I'm sorry but no one cant just change the rules or standards or make them up as they go along. Rules and standards have to be set and strong and they can only remain that way if everyone follows them as they are set out. And if everyone agrees to them. Or a body of people that are allowed the power to control the standards and rules all obey them. Not ocassionally or when it suits them. But at all times, regardless of the situation they may find themself in. If that doesnt happen, how, in any logical or reasonable sense can it be expected of others?

Oh this should be in Letters to Management you lament? It has in several versions been there. But you see, this is my personal rant. My letting it all out. Move it if need be. Close it if it isnt falling in the standards and rules set out in this forum. I really dont care. I dont care about too many things these days. I have set myself a very low level of standards to follow. Basically they are: to force myself to take the necessary breaths to be classified as legally alive until it isnt necessary any longer and to hold on to and help the best I can the few that have proven that they are dear heart friends that I decided by setting standards and doing everything in my power to hold true to them. But no matter how hard I try I can not stray from the one ethic that I have always held dear. I do not lie. So it makes it difficult to be here giving support in a place that I question if I'm allowed the same. If the standards that should exist really apply to me and others that have found themselves questioning the exact same thing.

 

[total eclipse]

I love how you are able just to tell it as it is god iwish i could yell and scream like you maybe i wouldn't be dying inside as much. I agree no one wants to take time to show us explain to us these rules. I am just learning them myself understand a bit more each day what these boundaries are. It is a difficult concept for someone that has not had them in their lives at all growing up. How are we to know what they are talking about if we have not been shown them.
I understand what you are saying i do I was hoping maybe a group home would help my daughter learn as i don't have those skills to teach her or the backbone but she does not want that. I guess we have to teach ourselves and pray we get it right I never even heard of this word before boundaries what the hell are they talking about funny how we are just expected to know
I hope someone can take time and show you how it is to work I for one just trying to understand it all. take care keep venting keep getting out of you what you must because i know it is better out in the open then left inside eating away at your soul

 

[IV2010]

I try to be exactly what you see or get. I dont lie. I dont break promises. And I dont set one set of standards for one friend and others for the next friend. I expect what I give. To be honest and to be treated fairly. That's all.

I particularly focused on this bit....
:love:...glad you got that out of your system....:hug:

 

[lost_soul]

thank you so much for voicing what i couldnt. :hug: sorry it took so long to find this thread, but im not on the forum as much these days cos of my own problems. mostly paranoia and thought processes. i try to be here and help when i can, but lately it seems that a lot of people just come and cause trouble. but thats their prerogative. when i first came here i was looking for a pro-choice site and found this instead. im glad and grateful. there are some great people here. but there are also some bad apples. those will be weeded out in time. staff will make sure of that.

 

[itmahanh]

I sit here and question why God, or whatever entity you choose to believe or disbelieve in, give so many people the strength to practice being two faced. And yet cant give others the strength to turn the other cheek so to speak, when confronted with the two faced people of this world.

Why it always seems to be those that are over sensitive and hurt so easily that the two faced people seem to find and relish upon so quickly and readily. Yet they cant seem to find that same "power" when faced with another of their own kind? When the tables turn on them, they come crying back to the very people they once hurt just as much as they have been hurt. And somehow this is suppose to be ok? That their hurt is superior to others?

How people find the courage to ball face lie to others. And yet can turn around and lecture someone on the evils of lying? The virture they seem to think they have. But when such a person is "found out", they can wipe it all away, or make another person feel as if they are guilty of doing something wrong by confronting them.

And how time and time again, I like so many others, always seem to find these people and bring them into our lives. Trusting time and time again in the words they offer, the promises they make. Am I really that thick? That stupid? Do I actually have a need for this kind of hurt in my life? If not, then why do I keep trusting. Even when I tell myself over and over..... not this time. I wont let another soul into my heart or deep thoughts and hurts. But I melt, and it starts all over again.

They leave and I'm left behind. Actually feeling guilty and as if I'm to blame for their behaviour. When will I learn to turn the energy and strength I keep finding to allow these people in, to the strength I need to say and mean.... NO NOT THIS TIME!!!!!

To those that practice the fine art of being two faced, bravo!!! You can feel so very proud of yourself for hurting those that are already so low that they believe in you and your words. For turning on and away from the people that say they care and actually mean it.

I dont know, in my books two faced people are nothing better than a playground bully that calls all the shots. Wow... a real accomplishment. Something to put on a life resume for sure!!!! Well, just so all the two faced people out there know, you werent the first and probably wont be the last so please get over yourself. :clap:

 

[IV2010]

well said C....:arms:

 

[itmahanh]

delete

 

[itmahanh]

WTF? Why is honesty so hard for so many to handle? And why cant so many people be honest in return?

Okay let me say what everyone wants to believe. My life is perfect. Filled with pretty pink fluffy things and peppermint flavored morsels. I wouldnt want it any other way. I love it. Never better. There happy?

But reality sucks big time. And mines up. Both reality and time. That's the truth. Do what you want with it. That's my life. That's me. I tell people, they walk. That's honesty? Well guess, saying one thing and doing another is honesty on some level. But not mine.

I really think my honesty is my downfall. It only seems to upset people. But I cant lie. I wont lie. So screw all those that are "hurt" by me being honest. Better people have tried for over 40 years to change me. Dont think anybody will do any better now. Honestly.

 

[itmahanh]

Know what? Fuck you!!!!!!!! Fuck you S.A., C.F.S., Legal Aid, all those that turned away from me, hurt me, the exes, the "partners". Fuck all you that had anything with putting me where I am right now. And fuck me for being so stupid to ever ever think I counted for anything. Deserved anything. For hurting myself the most of all. For hoping. Dreaming. Thinking I had a reason to be alive. My ex was right, always is........ *****s dont count for anything. We are only here to serve others. No rights, no breaks. Just do for others always forever. Well not this *****. Taking that break. So thank you but fuck off!!!!!!!!!

 

[minime]

So don't talk about me... talk to me. It saves so much hurt and grief all around.

words of wisdom.

 

[itmahanh]

So I blame everyone else for my horrible life huh? If you only knew. You're no different than the rest. Judge me before you know anything about me. Time to learn is over. I'll take my blame in this. I may be holding the gun to my temple but you and all the assholes out there pulled the trigger. I'll be gone and dead, then who you gonna tear apart? Look's like you fucked up this time. I cant stop your words from running around in my head. I cant stop the hurt. I cant think of anything else but stopping all the shit from everything. I'm falling apart, you broke me, ok? I said I cant take it anymore. But you didnt listen. Who's to blame for that? Oh yeah, me!!!! Looks like I get the last word and it's basically fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[IV2010]

whoever "they" are ..don't let them win hun....
don't believe a word they say.....
talk to yourself the way you help people on here....
you deserve a better life........:arms:

 

[itmahanh]

had it all typed out,. but ahh cant even muster the anger to post it. wouldnt matter anyhow. nothing does. like i said to a friend tonight, all the shit that has been and is my life and all the nothingness that death promises will come together to be the end of everything and the beginning of nothing. good enough for me.