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Exercise from a book: Consequences of a disorder

Citizen Insane

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#1
Hey all :) ,

Writing this text as part of an exercise in a self help book I was reading. It’s about “the disastrous consequences of a disorder”. Just trying to see if my thoughts are even close to reality at all or not. The exercise could help with realizing and seeing how absurd my thinking has been and maybe find a new perspective.

With this depersonalization disorder I felt like I'm losing more of my past self as time passes. Meaning that I dislike who I am today. Not that I liked my former self all too much…

Life has mostly been just about survival and escapism after 2010 or so. I don't think that I have experienced much happiness in the past 10 years. Even if there was a moment of happiness in there somewhere, I can't recall it, not the actual memory, situation or experiencing the feeling/emotion. Didn't feel alive for all this time. I do recall many moments of anxiety, experiencing different levels of fear over a longer period of time. I was able to recover from even the most crazy amount of anxiety in body/mind, but not experiencing relief.

I guess that’s what I was looking for, relief from these strong negative experiences.

Other people in my direct environment with their actions toward me make no sense to me anymore. It doesn't help that I'm unable to explain how I am feeling. I don't even have the actual diagnosis for this depersonalization disorder. Maybe it's just a useless diagnosis, a label. It's just a trauma that needs to be treated, but the trauma and it's memories are blocked out by my mind somehow. I only know that I lost my sense of reality because of a psychosis. I did manage to recover from that with medication and treatment - never “healing” from that of course - the moment I quit medication will lead to a likely new psychosis in the future. Or so I’ve been taught at a psycho-education group, it’s like a 70+% chance to relapse when quitting meds.

On that note...
I'm quite tired of myself. As it was said at some point that nothing changes if nothing changes. What have I tried to get rid of this disorder? E.m.d.r, psycho-education, groups for fellow psychosis sufferers, medication (too many to name), treatment / therapy, extensive sessions with psychologists and psychiatrists, PMT, fitness/exercising, changing diet, finding new distractions, hobbies to lose myself in...

I never thought I was going to get used to feeling unreal, but I did.

The way I understand my own life is that work is completely useless for me – so is studying. I already know what I will experience when doing these 2 activities. There's no positive emotional reward at all – just headaches and numbness along with frustration because I’m not able to make significant progress and get the desired results. Which, to me, makes it useless to pursue this goal in life. I do “want” to study, but at the same time I feel like I keep resetting to an earlier state.

------------ End exercise ------------

Concluding that I do want change, relief among many other things. I’m not sure about happiness, perhaps it could cloud over the every day worries and regain some sense of self and reality.
Artificial was the word I was looking for earlier while writing this. You know how in different times - early in life - one can make plans for his/her life, planning their study, work, relationships, number of children, all the material they want to possess. Not only do I find it artificial, “human made”, but also results oriented and temporary because of life having a time limit, though yet to be determined.

My plan is to find a new focus, be less focused on “getting results and be unhappy when reaching a life goal”, through mindfulness for example. Continuing to build on what I have, expanding on that. There’s so much I still enjoy doing, from music to gaming, going out with friends, and much more. Managed to recover from being 80-90% suicidal and thinking about that to 0% - so even if I didn’t find relief, I found a new way to live this life.

Thanks in advance for reading :)
 

Lekatt

Love Cats Love All
SF Supporter
#2
I read it all. I don't know that I can add or suggest things you would like to try on, see if they fit. I turned around through trauma and found what I wanted in life. Been truly happy since. In my signature are links used over the years. Love.
 

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