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exhausted and desperate

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Events in the past few weeks have driven me to a point where I feel suicidal. It's a whole bunch of things. It's not even worth explaining them though, cos even if I solved these 'problems' I am 100% sure I would not feel better.

People think I'm really happy. Sometimes I even think I am. I am that motivated person who cheers everyone up and 'stays strong' through the hard stuff. My friends tell me they admire me. I'm well educated and have a great job and good friends.

It's much darker underneath though. On a day where I feel like I'm doing ok, a car will come really fast around the corner and I will feel disappointed that it didn't hit me. Pathetic, I know. I'm literally fantisizing about cars hitting me. I'm not entirely sure I want to die but I know that I am completely tired of living. I don't care about the future and I am really struggling to see any point in my life. I want to die in a way that looks like an accident so that nobody will know how much I've mean struggling mentally. I am so ashamed.

I'm not even a crying mess like you would expect. I am calm and accepting that I just dont want to live anymore. I'm contemplating turning myself in to a pyschiatric ward but I don't even know if I can do that or how. I am alone in a foreign country right now (Canada) and I cant afford the costs of seeing a doctor. I am living pay cheque to pay cheque and have no money to spare. I dont want to call the Samaritans because I don't want to talk.

I'm scared of whats going on in my head, please please please comfort me somehow


Staff Alumni
Hi Sarah,

My first question would be if you work in Canada, you may have your resident status, which means that you can have access to our public health system for free like any citizen. Just go to any hospital with your resident card and they will get you into the system in no time at all. Healthcare is under provincial jurisdiction and they are used to people moving from one province to the other, or people becoming resident and its really streamlined and straightforward to become covered. I would really verify what you are entitled to under whatever status you are staying here. You may have benefits you are not aware of. If not, you might be covered by your own country to be treated in another country. Methink if you are from another commonwealth country, there are some special agreements.

The other thing is to realize that a lot of people feel just like you do, that under the cover of having it all together, there is a deep sadness and even despair. By opening up, this also give them the permission to do as well. There is no shame in feeling what you feel. At some point, it helps to be honest and being able to voice what is going on with you. The important is to do in a place and with people you feel safe enough not to be judged. The good thing is that there is a life after depression, that you can get better. This forum is a good place to start but I also strongly encourage you to reach out for professional help as meds and counseling can be of great help. Economic considerations are second as depression when it run amok, can strip you of the enjoyment of all the rest of your life. Hope this helps and wish you well.


Staff Alumni
HI Sarahc, welcome.. Isabel said a lot of very good stuff which seems really relavant to you just ahead of me.. most important you may already be entitrled to health care in your present situation..

gets really exhausting to always feel you have to put on a happy, successful mask.. wears one down to a frazzle.. you are there unfortunately.. Sarah is ok to just be you on here .. really , noone going to judge, take you lightly and unworthy..

now that you started talking on here, please continue and let us try to comfort a bit and help you.. lot of us been where you are .. take care, Jim
I'm not a Canadian resident and I don't have access to health care. I know that for sure as I have been here a year and have looked into all of my options many times. I am literally just here under a travellers visa. I had a urine infection last month and it cost me $350 to be seen, have tests, and pay for medication.

I have insurance but everything has to be paid for upfront and it takes a long time to claim back.

Thanks anyway
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