exhausted and slipping

Well well well. It's 2:35 in the morning here and I dare not try to fall asleep. It's befor I go to bed that I'm the worst. I'm a 20 year old male attending university. Last spring I attempted suicide and had to leave school that sememster. I'm back now, but I can feel the ground beneath me giving way. The counseling and the drugs aren't really doing anything, and I am fantisizing about suicide again. I know I'm not all the way to the edge yet, but I can't slow down. It feels imminent. All time has come to a crawl and things feel out of control. I feel, and I'm sure all of you can relate, a complete sense of isolation, even though I have two loving parents (whom I could never confide in), good friends (although I wouldn't dare burden them with all of this), and a physcologist (for some reason or another, it's not doing a thing). I feel like an ungrateful little brat. I don't know why anyone hangs out with me. I'm quite sure I'll feel this way forever, no matter how I assuade myslef otherwise. I'm thinking of buying a razor blade. I have never cut myself, but I must say, I am curious.:smile: I wonder if it will stave off the suicide. I do feel it comming.

P.S. I really is comforting to find a community like this. This definatly combats the alienation.

 

You sound at a very desperate stage of your life. I can relate to you over the thoughts slipping to becoming reality.

Please try not think you are a brat. When I get these thoughts I write them down and put them in a box, then at the end of the day I try and turn it into a positive eg...I want to hurt myself

positive.... I may have wanted to hurt myself but I didnt and that is a great achievement from me.

Do you enjoy writing? If so can you try and confide in one person in writing them a letter with all your feelings and emotions in it. You must care for yourself as you have come on here for advice/support which is excellent. Is it possible to change your psychologist.

Can you tell people on here what started all these feels off in the begining? Maybe if you can get help to focus and understand those issues then hopefully life can be enjoyable again.

hugs
xx

 

I always have a difficult time expressing the source of my depression. Another reason I'm so pathetic is that I have no history of sexual abuse, I have no trauma. My depression stems from my inability to cope with basic stresses. I am so sick of everything, I hate this life. I never want to brush my teeth again, eat again, sleep again, put on shoes again, shower again, take out the garbage again, ect.

My bigest issue is the future. It's the end of my second year of college and I still don't know what I'm going to do. All I see is myslef making a wrong decision and working some shithole job for the rest of my life, alone in a empty apartment, counting the days until my death. I see my life as a painful script, a script I am more than ready to skip to the end. Another issue is my self hate. People tell me I'm handsome. I stare at the mirror and insult myslef, telling myself how disgusting I am. I have an IQ of 122 yet I feel like a complete idiot, somehow missing some important puzzle piece of life that is so apparent to everyone else. My social ineptness has kept me from ever having a girlfriend. God, I sound pathetic. I just...I just don't want any of this anymore. I quit this game. This game isn't fun anymore.

Winston Churchill struggled with depression. He reffered to it as his 'black dog' that followed him everywhere. I suppose that every person has their sees differently the same demon. For me it feels like I'm at the bottom of a crevice. Above me rises a black cliff, cragly and sharp, that towers past the clouds. At the end of this near impossible journey is a door. Next to me in the pit is another door that leads to the same goddamn room. Now why on earth would I climb all the way up there to get to a room I can get to now? I see no difference between dying in sixty years and dying tonight. I just don't understand why everyone else clings so tightly to life. An existential philosipher once believed that the purpose of life is to reject it. I'm not sure if I am missing something, or that I finally see everything.

I don't belong here.

 

I'd just like to let everyone know that I'm doing alot better. I still struggle with it every day, but it's no where near severe. I did try cutting, and frankly, i liked it. It was only nice when I was at rock bottom, so now that I'm better I've stopped. Thanks again for the forum, it was really nice to release to other people. I'm not completely sure what helped me. I wish I did.

I have a feeling I'll be back here.

 

hi
I'm glad to hear you are doing a lot better.Maybe you'll find out what helped you,sometimes we see the effect first and it can take some time to find out what caused it, I guess, it hapens to me specially when I feel bad, I sometimes really need to dig deep to find out what got me there....
I don't know if it makes any sense.
I hope you don't see beeing back here as a negative thing, people here are very understanding and supportive, who knows how much positive feedback you can get, or helpfull skills.
Keep feeling well is my wish, take care
:hug:
helena