Been dealing with depression for 35 years now. I'm 48. I'm so sick and tired of it. Haven't made a suicide attempt for 27 years but want to every day. Tried therapy and meds on and off for 13 years. Meds were only a temporary fix for me. Tried many kinds with same result, feeling the same way. Last therapist betrayed me under the blanket of doing their job and protecting me. BS! That was 6 years ago. I'll never trust another doctor again. I'm on my own with this. Can't talk to friends about because it will drive them away. I know this from experience, many times. Wife wants me to talk to her about it. Can't. She has no idea how tenacious I can be about it. New country, new wife, new step daughter, no job. Living off savings. Depleting all I struggled for. Not blaming anyone but me. My decisions, for which I alone am responsible, got me to where I am now. Trying to live up to a promise I made myself to outlive my parents. Dad passed in December. Mom is fighting multiple cancers and has been for 5 years. She just keeps on going. I don't know if I'll be able to keep the promise. Once Mom goes then I can go. I don't owe anything to anyone else. Vanishing would be nice. I just don't want to hang on anymore. It's exhausting and debilitating.