Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Andrae, Oct 28, 2013.

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  1. Andrae

    Andrae New Member

    Hi Everyone,

    I don't have free posting rights yet but I needed to get this off my chest. Even if no one ever reads it I feel like letting it all out is going to help.

    A couple of weeks ago I found out that one of my co-workers committed suicide because her boyfriend left her. She <mod edit - methods> very painful death. My initial reaction was that she was crazy, killing herself over someone who didn't deserve her. But then, lately I'm starting to think the same way. Actually, I'm guessing I've felt this way for a very long time but always just pushed it in the back of my head. To sum it up, I am just exhausted with my life and don't see myself going anywhere. If you have time, maybe you can read my story and I'm hoping that it would help someone who is in the same boat. I am getting very tired but I'm hoping reading this won't give another person the idea to give up too.

    It started when I was a kid. I was the second eldest among five siblings. My elder brother was my mom's illegitimate child so he spent most of his life living with my mom's other relatives. My dad was an alcoholic, a gambler and a drug addict which made him very violent when in a bad mood. He once beat me so bad that I was absent from school for a week. It was because he was choking my baby brother and I tried to stop him. He turned on me for being disrespectful, broke two broomsticks on me and pulled out the cable from the Nintendo and used it as a whip. He stopped when the neighbors called the cops. I couldn't even move my fingers after that. He also used to beat my mom and to stop it, she would run away, leaving us behind.

    When my dad wasn't at home drinking or getting high, he would be at the casino gambling away our family's allowance. We had an allowance from our grandparents because they were rich and neither of my parents had jobs. We were not allowed to tell our grandparents that our dad gambled away all the money. Because of this, weeks would pass that we would eat spoiled food and go to school without a bath or brushing our teeth because we didn't even have money to buy soap or toothpaste. It was also a known fact in our school that our dad was an addict. As a result, children and even teachers in the school hated us. Kids would pick on me, teachers would seat me near the trash bin and I never had any activity partner. Back at home I would take care of my three younger siblings, I would also give them the money I managed to save by not eating in school.

    My dad was also madly in love with my mom despite everything. This meant everytime she left him, he would blackmail her by beating my siblings and I or kicking us out on the streets. Once he locked my out of the house without any underwear, he said I needed to call my mom and he would only let me in if she comes back. She always came back but not after we were tortured for days on end.

    Soon, my uncle started living with us. He was in early twenties and the youngest sibling of my mom. These were some of the worst years of my life. My mom and dad would always be away and my uncle took advantage of this. He would take me to his room, lock the doors, and rape me. This happened over and over until he got to go overseas. I was in second grade back then and I remembered myself kneeling in front of a crucifix, begging God to kill my uncle. Of course, God did not kill him. He got a good job working for overseas and has spent the last decade and a half in luxury. But that doesn't matter anymore, he's far far away and that's enough for me.

    When I graduated from grade school my parents finally separated for good. My mom went overseas and did not contact us for years. This left my dad desolate and he drank himself to death. Meanwhile, I was left to care for my siblings. I was a highschool sophomore when my dad died. For the next two years, my grandmother and aunt took us in. But not without drama. They blamed my mom for "killing" my dad and since I am my mom's daughter, they took it out on me. It became so unbearable that I begged my elder half brother to take me with him. He agreed. I ran away from my grandmother's house and hid in my brother's dorm. There was only one bed and I wasn't allowed to be there so I had to spend most of the time outside or sleeping in other people's homes. My brother graduated from college and got a job which enabled the two of us to find an apartment and take our two younger siblings with us. We barely scraped by with the little money that we had but it was ok. We were together again and we all lived like dormers, free from abuse.

    The fun times didn't last though. My brother got his girlfriend pregnant and had to leave us to provide for his own family. As a result, my mom shouldered all our expenses. It wasn't long before her body started giving out. She was working 18 hours a day as a masseuse. She asked my to help her and I did. I stopped going to school and got a job. I thought it would be a temporary arrangement but my mom lost her job and the burden of providing for everyone and sending my siblings to school fell on my shoulders. I ended up working from 4pm to 11am the next day, everyday, at work. I didn't have any friends because my college buddies already moved on and I didn't have the time to make new friends or keep in touch with old ones. It was ok. I just needed to help my siblings graduate from college and then I will be able to go back to school and do what I want. That didn't happen.

    My two younger siblings graduated from college and went overseas to find good jobs. They found those jobs. And forgot about me. Now I'm still working to help my youngest brother graduate and provide for my mom who is almost a senior citizen. I am 28 years old, my bank account is empty and I am up to my eyeballs in debt. My paycheck comes in and before pay day is over I already have additional debt. At work, I get yelled and cussed at from head to two by customers who can't watch TV. I get home and I see my boyfriend busy playing videogames which I bought, using internet that I pay for.

    I have no friends. No family to turn to. I owe so much money and no one to help me. I just feel like I have spent the last 28 years of my life giving everything to everyone and at the end of it all I'm alone and miserable. I'm just so tired of everything now. I keep telling myself just a little more. I keep looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm starting to think it's not coming. Everyone has moved on without me and no one's even looking back. I'm starting to become hateful. I check Facebook and I see all these happy people and it makes me angry. I am miserable,angry and alone. I don't even know who to turn to anymore. Depression isn't a thing in my country. Suicide isn't talked about. We have a culture of saving face and depression or thoughts of suicide is shameful because it's a show of weakness. Maybe it is weakness. But I have been enduring for so long, I don't really know how much longer I can put up with everything.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 28, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Kick your boyfriend out sell the games and nintendo system and start looking after YOU and you alone ok You don't need another person to take care of your bf should be pulling his own weight
  3. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Hello, just letting you know you are being heard. I'm sorry for all of those. It sounds really hard, and you are an amazing person. I think you don't deserve that "boy" friend of yours. He's not a man, just a boy. Find yourself a better man, and yes, you need to take care of yourself, not another person now. You have done more than enough. I don't know why your younger siblings can be that ungrateful. If I'm your sibling I will pay you back for your love and hardwork :(

    Unfortunately, most of people are selfish, and only able to think of themself. I'm really sorry :(
  4. Andrae

    Andrae New Member

    thanks for your responses guys.. i used my name here because i thought i was giving up for sure.. i was crying while i typed this but when i saw that i posted it.. i felt like i let go of this 10-ton weight i've been keeping in my chest all this time.. about my bf i know i dont need another person to take care of but he's the only one who has stuck around for all this time.. and i think im holding on to him because im afraid once my youngest brother graduates i will really be alone..

    i still have my problems but this place helped me out tremendously even if i just posted once.. i havent thought of hurting myself since
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