I'm so tired of fighting this all-enveloping depression and the suicidal thoughts. I'm exhausted. I've been depressed and suicidal a great majority of the time for the last 31 years. I'm so tired of it. It doesn't feel like it's ever going to end. My therapist always reminds me that the depressive episodes do end, but there is such a short time between them over the past 4 or 5 years, and they are getting worse. I'm preoccupied to the point of obsession with thoughts of suicide. I'm as honest as I can be about that in therapy without ending up in the hospital. I did that in September when I told her I'd been "practicing" with a certain method, and although the 5 days I was in the hospital were okay, all the thoughts and feelings were back as soon as I was home again. I really want to do it. I want to die. I'm not afraid to die. My psychiatrist asks me what keeps me from doing it, and the only thing I can come up with is that I'm afraid of NOT dying. I'm afraid of the consequences of failing. I'm just so miserable. I can't go on like this.