Hi, Im new here. And suffering.......terribly. I've been battling this beast called depression and personality disorder NOS (probably borderline) for as long as I can remember. I first thought about killing myself at age 9, in a rather absract way. I wondered what would happen if I just drank a bottle of perfume and then didnt wake up. I attempted suicide around this time last year, ended up in the hospital. Havent self injured since then but things are no better. I was in therapy and medicated for a while after that but then my insurance changed to a really crappy plan and I couldnt afford it anymore. Now I am back in therapy, and back on meds, but quickly sliding back downhill. I started taking Zoloft a week ago. Ive been agitated, havent been sleeping. I took 50mg Benadryl last night in the hopes it would just put me out for the night.......nope. Today has been awful. Cant concentrate at work. I just keep thinking about going to the roof of the building and jumping off. I just really want this all to end. I am so tired.......so very tired of dealing with this. Ive felt violent today. I am fighting with everything in my being NOT to punch the first person in the face that I see today. Fantasized about it. Fanasized about just not being here anymore. My husband would be better off without me. I treat him like shit anyway. We have so much debt, and I have life insurance, he could pay some stuff off with that. I am just so tired, so very tired. I dont know how I am going to make it through the weekend. I see my pdoc on Monday. I am afraid to tell her I am feeling this way. I cant afford to end up in the hospital again. I have to work, and we cant afford a hospital stay. I give up. Im done.