Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Malcontent, Jan 12, 2009.

  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I feel totally mentally and physically exhausted, though I've done bugger all today. My head feels set to burst with all the thoughts that keep going round and round, I hardly slept last night because of it. My arms and chest hurt because I'm so anxious, but what I'm anxious about I have no idea. I hate feeling like this, and somehow I'm convinced it must be my fault, like I could just snap out of it if I tried hard enough. I hate myself, I hate how pathetic I am. I'm convinced that nearly everyone I know can't stand me, not surprising really, I'm utterly useless. I should be stronger, better, try harder. I'm just letting everyone down, I always do I guess I should be used to it by now. I can't get the thoughts of a certain method out of my head, it'd be pretty much foolproof, but I'm too much of a coward to do it. I wish I could just fade away because I'm nothing, I'm a disgusting freak. Maybe if reincarnation is real I should just kill myself now and life might get it right next time around instead of the mistake it created this time. Sometimes I seriously consider doing surgery on myself, but again I'm a coward and too afraid of the pain. It'd be monumentally stupid anyway and bound to go wrong. I wish I could just find one thing that would make me a worthwhile person, but I always manage to fuck up anything good by being afraid to live life. Urgh, I'm such whiney boring idiot, ignore all this, I'll be fine I always am.
  2. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I don't really know what to say except I understand completely. I am very sorry you feel so bad and, i'm glad you're too much of a coward :) Hope you feel better soon, if you need someone to talkto or even just to rant at, give me a shout.

    Lea :hug:
  3. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Its not surprising you're exhausted from constantly banging your head up against a caged wall. That's how life feels to me at times, like living in a cage of my own making, hard to break free from it for any length of time. Knowing a bit about what your dealing with, at least physically, I can imagine its gotta be incredibly hard. You have my respect for sticking in there, and one day I sincerely hope you can find a way forward, physically and mentally, towards a better life.
  4. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    :hug: Mal .. As I say - always here if ya need to talk :)