Existence seems meaningless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by couldyawouldya, May 29, 2013.

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  1. couldyawouldya

    couldyawouldya New Member

    Hi all, I have (perhaps), a different reason for contemplating suicide. All existence, (Human or otherwise), depends one, and only one thing, Procreation and survival of species. Here, I have a problem. If, nature (or god, if you will), intended us to survive as a species as social clumps, then why in the hell is there individuality? Why is it that I have an ego, a sense of consciousness that I do not share with anyone else? Again, the argument might go, individualism is needed because it is essential for different set of skills, nature, ..etc for a society to survive.

    I've had a happy childhood, great family, good job (which I recently lost due to alcohol/benzo/marijuana addiction). There's no reason for me to be unhappy because of my circumstances (although I'm fairly in distress about finding another job).

    My gripe is, I feel like I'm being used in a grand scheme of things, for survival of species. I want to rebel against nature. Rebelling or trying to conquer nature is not a new thing. Science, technological advances, something like building a bridge over a river, or an oceanic canal, are all examples of this.

    I've of course been diagnosed with depression/addiction, and had been in rehab for a time now. I've quit alcohol for about an year now, and am on anti-depressant drugs (although I sometimes take benzos, though I'm not addicted to it).

    I've also low self-esteem, am not very comfortable with intimacy with other people, and hate interacting socially with people, except in work like situations. Paradoxically, I have a lot of close friends (but even they do not know that I'm not intimate with them). When I'm with people, I feel like I'm on a stage, playing a part, careful not to reveal anything untoward, and after the interaction, I brood over it, thinking again and again of how I behaved and what I said, and trying to gauge for myself what the other people might be thinking about me (classic symptom of low self-esteem)

    I sometimes feel, that the reason for my suicidal ideation is due to anti-depressants, and I have tried to rationalize with myself many times, but to no avail. I love my family/friends dearly, and am painfully aware of the distress/sadness I'll cause to them when I'm gone. But I'm also selfish/self-centered to realize that I won't have to bear that burden of guilt (because after I die, I simply won't exist, and hence, no cognition).

    Lastly, I don't believe in god/reincarnation/spirits/heaven/hell...etc, so that kind of an argument won't work with me.

    I wanted some more opinions from people like you on this. Taking the decision to commit suicide is obviously a big thing, and I want to be absolutely sure I'm rational about this. Because if nothing else, rational is what I am :torn:
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No when one is depressed thought patterns become irrational and suicide becomes an option because the brain see that option as a way out an easy way out of fighting
    there is not rationality in taking ones life
     
  3. Anon1989

    Anon1989 New Member

    I'm also in a similar sort of boat to you my friend. I have no idea what to do. From the age of 14/15 to 21 I had a pretty bad drug habit which I kicked myself. I think my mental state is now in such a mess due to abuse as a youth and it's not taking its toll. Any answrts/help you get I hope help you, as I feel that they will help me too.
     
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Précis; you have no reason to be unhappy as you have lots of close friends and family, had a great childhood. The anti depressants you feel may be the cause of the suicidal ideation. Oh and a brief mention of three major addictions. And "because if nothing else, I am rational". You are lost in denial of how unhappy and depressed you are. In denial that everyone around you is also unaware. Many of them may also be in denial for their own reasons. You're obviously seeing a doctor because someone is prescribing you antidepressants. A psych doc, therapist and one or more twelve step programmes would be a good start. Good luck, it's a bloody hard journey but it is worth it.
     
  5. khajiit

    khajiit New Member

    Hi Couldyawouldya, I empathize deeply with the existential nihilism, I'm in the same boat myself. Once you realize the objective truth (That we're nothing more than tiny insects on a mote of rock in space, that do nothing but whisk around trying to get our brains to pump themselves full of pleasure chemicals) It's hard to become desensitized to it. The idea itself that life is nothing more than one blip in between infinite stretches of nonexistence is depressing. I'd love to believe that there is more to life, but when you strip away the glitz and glitter, our lifestyles are as primitive as animals. I wish it were more spectacular, but excitements in this world are merely distractions while we head towards our inevitable, mundane fates. I know that nothing I say to you can be revolutionary, but perhaps you over think things too much. Take life one day at a time and make goals for yourself along the way. If suicide is what will satisfy your needs than I understand, but if you do have the will to live even the slightest, fostering it by keeping yourself occupied is a great way to go about doing that. It's good to hear from you, I hear ya'
     
  6. couldyawouldya

    couldyawouldya New Member

    Thanks for your reply friend total eclipse, but could you please explain what you mean by "there is not rationality in taking one's life"? I'm obviously averse to that idea, and would like to debate over that a bit more.
     
  7. couldyawouldya

    couldyawouldya New Member

    Taking anti-depressants does obviously lead to suicidal ideation. And hence, as a first step, just two days back, I met with my doctor and told her that I'm stopping all medications, and will remain dry (no medications, no drugs, alcohol..etc) for a period of one month at least.
    After this, if I still feel the same, I will take some steps. All the while, I'll also be on talk therapy, and find rationale to not committing suicide. Thinking too much, kachiit is a malady that I suffer from, and taking one day at a time and making goals seems unthinkable, because making goals predicates an aim/purpose in life, which I do not possess.

    Thanks all for your help/comments, but I'm still not convinced that taking one's own life is an act of cowardice, or a result of denial. I'm depressed, yes, but not irrational. Nobody knows the cause of depression (unhappy events happen to many, but few become depressed). Anti-depressants work on the principle of monamine hypothesis (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chemical_imbalance), which posits that there's an imbalance of neurotransmitters in your brain when you're depressed. And as a direct conclusion of this, anti-depressants aim to restore that balance. I'm not convinced that restoring balance of neurotransmitters in the brain is enough, it's like treating the symptoms than rooting out the cause. And in the days to follow, I'm out to find ways to oust the cause of depression in me. Talk therapy might help me to see why I'm depressed, and hence I'm trying it out.
     
  8. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    if you don't believe in God then logically objective meaning is out the window - such as Procreation and survival of species. also if you view life as meaningless then death is meaningless, if death is meaningless then so is suicide. I don't think the problem is so much life is meaningless as much as it is your suffering is outweighing joy/happiness/contentment/peace.

    you say you want to be rational but that is largely unimportant in these matters since the pain is caused by emotion which is irrational. A good question to ask yourself is what do you like to do? what makes you happy? have ever been happy - if you have been happy, then what has changed since then?

    anyway hoped this has helped.
     
  9. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Taking antidepressants has been shown to cause suicidal idealization in less than 1% of people that take them and predominantly in the under 25 years old age category. That is not to imply it is not something to consider, however the vast majority of people taking them were suicidal prior to starting them and all were depressed or they would not be taking them.

    Purely observation, but after a long time on here it is far more common that i see attempts and severe crisis situations and mention that they stopped taking meds a month or two before because they were not working. That would clearly suggest they were working just people expect them to result in happiness. That is not what depression medications are intended to do - they make you less prone to severe depressive episodes, not generate spontaneous happiness in any way. The idea that people have if they take the meds they will be suddenly happy is naive at best. I have made decisions to stop medications before as well. Some worked out very well, some did not at all. I hope it is a benefit to you and that you follow Dr recommendations on stepping down to stop if needed as opposed to just stopping taking all at once.

    Talk therapy and cognitive behavior therapy are helpful to many - I hope you try it and it helps you. So far as what makes people depressed , I fall back to a quote -
    Lou Holtz: “Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.”
     
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    From what you have written, you have noted several problems, depression, addiction and estrangement/intimacy issues...I think sometimes we are so involved in the chicken and egg theory (where something comes from) that we neglect the more pressing issues, how to make a more pleasurable life for ourselves...it seems you have not exhausted your options regarding treatment and medications, which would be (for me) a necessary condition at the point you are reporting...your work history and your connection with others indicates that there are clearly workable issues...intimacy requires trust and that can be learned...addiction may have many underlying issues ranging from self medication to biochemical disease...please consider being an advocate for yourself to get the care you deserve and if you encounter difficulties in accessing that care, there are many people here who are quite good at knowing how system work
     
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