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Existentialism, Derealization, and an infectious thought.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JekyllHide, Jun 18, 2013.

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  1. JekyllHide

    JekyllHide Member

    I'm wondering if anyone here deals with suicidal ideation as a cause of existential woes.

    I do myself. I'm a philosopher and I suffer from derealization on a regular basis. I practice meditation and expanding one's consciousness. It's something I'm very passionate about. I believe understanding the universe, self-reflecting, etc. is the true path to evolving our species. though please don't think I'm here to glorify it. it's a bitter-sweet symphony.

    I've bridged the gap between my subconscious and conscious mind, and my mind burns like a hell fire. I've experienced OBE's, solely from looking at the world for what it is and becoming fractured by it's truths. I've prodded at the edges of consciousness and have pushed my nervous system's limits, and I've traveled far. Not geographically speaking, I hope you know what I mean. Because I crave knowledge and enlightenment, understanding. it's something I won't ever let go of, and I'll keep searching inside that well we can a "soul". I'll never stop digging until I find what's truly beneath.

    I've seen the down-side of up and the up-side of down. as a result I've disconnected from society because there's so many grays in this world that dilate my pupils. why is there so much pain to be experienced from merely viewing the world for what it is? I digress..

    I've turned love inside out a thousand times in my mind. trying to see if it is ever anything more than the will to persevere. trying to see if there is anything divine in our biological nature or design. I flip all of our mechanical structures inside out just to find them trivial. we chase possessions, security, money, and we chase a decent societal image. but is this what life is really about? are we ignoring the true essence of existence? we need to be more connected to the universe than this. this isn't real. I want so much to wake humanity from these illusions.

    these are the thoughts that keep me awake most nights, and I don't sleep often. I toss and turn. I wake up with ugly thoughts about our existence. I drink so much and try to rid myself of these burdens that I carry for all of us, but it only prolongs them. it makes me want to end my life because I find nothing genuine in this realm. it hurts to be here.

    Don't get me wrong, I see so much beauty in life. I love this portrait that we paint, this story that we create for ourselves the few years we are here. our existence is nothing less than art. and I implore you to live life as if it's the greatest movie you've ever seen, because it is. and this is the most exciting time we could ever hope to be alive.

    for myself, I can only hope the story I create is seen as art, and yours as well, as we leave it behind. a beautifully painted portrait that can withstand the test of time, existing in people's thoughts. from the people that we affect, to the ones who come after them.

    while I wrap this up, I'd like to ask my initial question. does anyone suffer the same inner turmoil as I do?

    does anyone understand the hell that burns inside my mind?

    if you do, you are nothing less than my friend. and I truly hope the best for you. because I see you clearly, and I hope you see me as well.

    with all the sincerity in the world,
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. yes i do suffer. I once went to a talk given by a man who is a physicist. He developed a new way of doing astrology. He also is a well known dowser in the state where I live. He is held in great esteem. He said that finding a way to ground will make the difference between heaven and hell on earth for me. I did not doubt his words. And I can clearly see why, for all people, this is the case.

    Last year during the election time in the US, I was upset about the horrible manipulations etc that were going on. someone told me that my upset is just adding to the fear and imbalance. That if I want to help I can surround it all with light. And so I did. I cannot say that i do this on a regular basis. Because I forget often to do this. But i know it is right.

    In short i can say that the reason I have so much suffering is because I am not connected often enough to my own soul. When I act from my soul I feel good. When I am connected to my soul I feel okay. These are my thoughts for what they are worth, wishing you well.
  3. Umbra

    Umbra Member

    Hi fubars. I understand what you're saying. I haven't given as much thought to these questions as you seem to have done, but many of your questions are issues I've struggled with. I imagine you've read all the big philosophers in that area. The collective illusion we call reality even led me to consider solipsism at one point, but that's another story.

    From where you are in your existentialism studies, nihilism (or existential nihilism) isn't very different. Here is the argument of a philosopher who felt similarly to you. He was a nihilist though, and he did commit suicide as proof that life has no meaning. (For the mods: the url I just linked doesn't promote suicide, it presents an argument for nihilism and the lack of logical argument for life.) It's very dense though. I still haven't made a dent in it.
  4. JekyllHide

    JekyllHide Member

    I believe our inner selves are very fragile. we hide it behind tough egos, and we feel resuscitated those few times we're able to speak from it without being criticized. being true from the core helps us grow. thank you for your response.

    don't get me wrong, I definitely suffer from bouts of nihilism. but this isn't what I'm generally about. I believe there is a lot of intrinsic value to be sought that most people are blind to. something really important, something that may have been lost along the way.

    I'm just a tortured soul with an intrinsic ideology for the world

    I'm not religious by the way.
  5. JekyllHide

    JekyllHide Member

    judging by the amount of replies other people get here by simply saying "I'm having panic attacks" or "I need help" compared to the amount of replies I got from what I posted, I can tell I'm not like others. not very many people think as deeply, I suppose.

    that's unfortunate. I guess I'll feel alone with my infectious thoughts, just like old times.
  6. Umbra

    Umbra Member

    Don't take it personally, fubars. Most of the people here struggle with their own inner demons.

    I'd love to discuss this topic with you; I'm just not sure I'm at your level of knowledge on the subject, as I suspect you've given existentialism a lot more thought than I have. I'll gladly talk about it if you want to, but I just won't be able to to discuss it in the depth you're capable of.
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