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Existing ..........

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Richard 007, Jun 7, 2012.

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  1. Richard 007

    Richard 007 Active Member

    Thats what I do now , I exist .
    I wake up everyday and the nightmare starts all over again , I exist for another day .
    The only time I have any peace of mind is when I sleep .
    I want to sleep forever , but instead , I exist .
    This , existance , is not a life , it's a living hell .
    But I exist , I exist for my children and I exist in hope that one day she will come home .
    And so for now , I continue to exist .
  2. ParanoidGirl

    ParanoidGirl Member

    I am with you hunny, 100% !!

    I got fired today on top of everything else, I just want him to come home and make everything right again.

    Much love x x x
  3. Richard 007

    Richard 007 Active Member

    I truly hope he does come home to you , I know how much it hurts .
    Unfortunatly my wife will not be coming back , I miss her so much .
  4. ParanoidGirl

    ParanoidGirl Member

    Oh hun :(

    Has she passed on?
  5. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    That's what I did, I existed for a long time. But as crazy as this may sound, existing is better than suicide because your children still have you. Richard I know you're going through a really tough time right now but if existing is what you have for now, then continue to do so. Things will get better. I've said in numerous threads that my life actually made a turn for the worst with my diagnosis...but I fell in love with someone that I met online. Now he is my rock even when I was sure I would die alone and that no one would want a 32 year old woman with no job and a kid, living in a wheelchair. I need his help up and down the stairs, to help pay my bills, and to just be there for me.

    A year ago, I thought I was as good as dead. But if I would have offed myself, I wouldn't have met this wonderful person. Sure the financial burden has taken its toll on both of us but we make it work and I'm so grateful and I was single for six years with the good use of my legs and a promising modeling career that's also in the toilet too.

    I had a near death experience just three weeks ago when I went into respiratory failure. I thought that dying would be best because of the bills that's starting to mount and no money to pay any of them. But when that moment came, I fought like mad.

    My daughter called 911 as I couldn't breathe. I got up to close my window and my oxygen mask fell off. The mom in me wanted to lock the door to stop anyone from breaking in while I was gone. That's when I realized how dire my situation really was. I looked out the window, listening to the paramedics pull up in the parking lot. I knew that this was the last time I would look out of my window.

    I begin to fight like a mad person.

    I ran screaming like crazy, despite not being able to breathe, letting the paramedic know that I was in trouble and to "save me". I fought like crazy before I lost consciousness in the ambulance. My daughter was literally beside herself and on the verge of going mad. Numerous nurses had to calm her down and they even put her in a room by herself because she was causing too much of a disturbance while they worked on reviving me.

    When I came to, she came in the room shaking like someone threw cold water on her. I had no idea of what happened after that because my last memory was grabbing a fireman by his collar, looking into his blue eyes as he helped me on the stretcher. After that, my world went black.

    I am obsessed with thinking of what my daughter would be going through if I didn't make it. She would be devastated and that would be an understatement. I am all she has in this world and I can't leave her.....

    Don't give up.
    Fight like hell.
    Choose life Richard.
    If it's meant to be then she will come back.
    You may meet someone new (like I did)

    Whatever happens, choose life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 7, 2012
  6. ParanoidGirl

    ParanoidGirl Member


    I have PM'd you but for anyone else that is in this situation (which is exactly like mine) there is a GREAT forum out there specifically for partners left behind by Midlife Crisis.

    The forum address is : http://midlifeclubforum.com/index.php

    I am on there and my name is caroline32512, I tell you now, that forum has brought me back from the brink many many times.

    The people there do not judge, they just listen and support and are all in different stages of "The Game"

    Hang in there Richard x x x x

    BTW - Read the success stories, sometimes they DO come back!
  7. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the info PG! I'm sure this will help many people! Talking it out helps tremendously!
  8. ParanoidGirl

    ParanoidGirl Member

    Thanks SM,

    I dont know many on people here, but please pass the link on to anyone struggling with this kind of situation.

    Its a free site and there is always someone online and I am so glad I found it

    C x x x x
  9. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    Will do PG!
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