Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by saturniidae, Sep 25, 2014.

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  1. saturniidae

    saturniidae Member

    I found this forum though google...I hesitated a few days before deciding to make an account.
    The truth is I don't know...

    There's so much I want to write....too much I want to say...But I don't know if there are enough words to really explain it all.

    Is it ok for me to just write it all here ? I don't know where else to go or to turn to.

    I don't even want to die. I just want to disappear. Disappear completely.

    I can't bear it anymore.
    I was never meant for this world.
    I'm trapped...I've been trapped for so long...and I just want to be free.
    it hurts so much that it doesn't hurt anymore.
    breathing is just to pass time.
    I don't know....I just want the noise to stop.

    I'm so tired. I'm just so tired.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome - I am glad you decided to join. Yes of course you can post your thoughts here, just keep in mind that this site is pro life and methods are not allowed. I'm sure you will make friends here and get support, we also have a chat room here.

    Write all out want, get all those thoughts out, it just might help! Also, I am sorry you are in such distress and hope this will pass for you.
  3. WoeIsMe

    WoeIsMe New Member

    What's going on, friend?

    I know what it's like to want to dissapear..
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I hope you'll write out your feelings here; sometimes it can help to get things out, know people are listening and can relate in many ways.
  5. saturniidae

    saturniidae Member

    my thoughts right now...they're disconnected I will try my best to make sense. I apologize in advanced if I confuse anyone.

    I just thought..just maybe one last time to just try to find someone just one person that completely understands.

    I am filled with guilt because I read this place is prolife but I don't even value my own life. I don't even know what it means to value life.
    I don't want to get too personal...everything is triggering...
    It's always been like this... since I was 9 I just wanted to disappear. It only continued to be more painful as the years went on...
    I smiled for everyone. being extra cautious not to let anyone see pain or scars. because I was programmed by the people that "raised" me not to be a burden.

    I don't want to do this anymore.

    I wasn't allowed to get help then...no one believed me. they didn't want me to destroy their image. I wanted someone to help me...but the words wouldn't come out.

    Many times the tears would start....I had to lie and say allergies.
    in the bathtub I could turn the water on and no one would be able to hear my crying.

    why was I born to this earth if all they did was do bad things to me?
    I always went to school and got good grades.

    I'm suffering but why...what did I do.

    Sometimes I go days without eating.
    I don't know why but it's impossible for me to sleep at night since I was a child.
    only with the help of ativan can I fall alseep...but nightmares still wake me up

    I went to the doctors they gave me all these different prescriptions...but through the years they just made me feel worse.

    I'm 26 years old....
    there's so much damage...so much pain
    I don't think anyone can help me now.

    I can't tell the difference between whats real and what's not. I don't even know if I'm still me?

    no one calls
    no one messages
    I was ALWAYS there for everyone else....I never expected anything in return but just once...I just needed someone just to tell me that everything was going to be ok.

    I just want peace. I just want to go. I just really can't do this anymore. I apologize for writing such things.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi again,

    You do not have to feel guilty because we are pro life-many people on this site have found it by looking for methods and lots have got get help here instead.
    I've read your post twice. You haven't said exactly what happened ( I'm trying to read between the lines)and I think I know what it is if that's any consolation. I'm 25 and female so if I am right and obviously you want to find someone who completely understands, you can trust me when I say that I do and I am here for you.

    As a site in whole we are here for you. You are having such tough feelings right now...take it step by step,
    little by little until you feel comfortable enough to open up more. Your own pace hun.
    You say you don't think anyone can help you right now, many people think that when we're feeling that low and depressed and guilty because of the past. But I am sure ( I have been on this site 7 years) that someone will understand hun!

    I don't mean to be intrusive at all just want you to feel that someone does care and understand and wants you to get the help you need. You say you've tried many medications, but have you tried therapy? Sometimes that is key!

    Good luck and best wishes on your road to recovery, and NEVER feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Depression is an illness. You wouldn't be ashamed or apologizing if you had a heart attack, so no need to feel shame for your emotional thoughts!

    Lynn. Big hugs! :hug:
  7. Mel2809

    Mel2809 Active Member

    I too completely understand. As I read your post I truly felt like I was reading my thoughts in my head. I do have to say...that was well written. I know that feeling of always being cautious of how things will affect others because you don't want to burden anyone else by messing up. So you are always in tune to what everyone else us feeling but also the atmosphere in the room. And then there is being what you think everyone else wants you to be...and you begin to loose who you are. Just know that I know what its about and I listen really well. So let it out sweetie...
  8. saturniidae

    saturniidae Member

    writing here is the first time I've talked to someone since Feb.
    Lynn you are really a kind person.

    the things that hurt...the ones that I can talk about..it hurts to even talk about them.
    I'm so lost. I'm empty.

    The pain is overwhelming.
    I've lost control..so many time. But I'm the one that can hear myself screaming. I just wanted to see a light.
    I worked so hard. never taking things for granted
    but the "me" that I was for everyone she disappeared 4 years ago

    Since then I've been unable to pretend.
    I'm afraid of living Lynn.

    I lost control end up doing things and when I come back to it...I don't remember how certain things happened or sometimes I end up in places I don't remember how I get there.

    I know if I were to really fall asleep I'll never wake up.

    I just wanted to be of use to someone. not to be treated like garbage,,,no less than trash because at least trash gets picked up.

    when I went to therapy...I made my therapist cry...when I started opening up to her. I didn't want to be a burden to her so I stopped going.

    I don't have anywhere that I belong. I'm always thrown away...always abandoned. never good enough no matter how hard I try.

    I used to be able to listen to music to drown out the noise and I would stare at the stars to escape....but the stars stopped shining and the noise is too loud now.

    it hurts lynn. it hurts so much.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are right. It does hurt,it hurts a lot, much more than people that haven't been through it can understand.
    First time you've talked to someone since Feb? omg, that is so sad hun, that's awful especially because you seem like such a nice person who is just overwhelmingly hurting.
    Some people may not agree but I think it was unprofessional of your therapist to cry...it's okay to cry, nothing wrong with crying but I think she should have had the right training to control her emotions when with a client. I don't blame you at all for feeling like you were a burden to her. In my opinion, therapists usually will not cry no matter what you say to them. After that incident I can definitely see why you would be hesitant to give therapy another go, but for the sake of you moving forward, dealing with what has happened, coming to terms with the past and for support, totally think you should see another therapist even if it seems hard right now...but at your own pace of course,

    I am glad you joined here because I promise you no-one here will treat you like garbage and you will be supported :) . Keep talking to us and remember at the end of each day you still have hope!

    Lynn x
  10. saturniidae

    saturniidae Member

    She didn't (I don't know the word I'm looking for) physically? cry in front of me.... I could feel her crying. Although I cannot feel...I feel things stronger than most people.
    I can walk past a stranger in the street and feel the pain in their heart. I cannot explain it.

    I cut off all my feelings along time ago.. wore a mask and pretended like everything was fine and ran...and kept running away from "me"

    people just used me....and I let them …because sometimes when you don’t have anything, you will hold onto nothing….

    everyone ran out of patience with me. I just needed someone not to abandon me.
    I didn't know how to express myself. People said they cared about me....I could never feel it. I just became a burden.

    even surround by people I've always been alone.

    why should I bear my suffering for the sake of everyone else's happiness?
    I don't know.
  11. saturniidae

    saturniidae Member

    when it starts they say that you should reach out to someone.

    For the first time
    I was honest and reached out to the people that "know" me
    there were so many of them online
    it was 3:15AM and I wrote my skype and number and said please someone call me please
    no one replied.
    no one

    with the drugs I was able to put the pain to sleep
    I just needed to hear a voice.
    that was selfish of me to think that anyone would respond.
    when I saw no one responded I couldn't stop laughing...
    in the back of my mind there was always this feeling that everyone wished I was dead.
    now I know that I'm right
    I tried many times before and failed...

    I can no longer force myself to stay where I don't belong.
    There was so much noise last night/this morning.

    my selfish sister she's pregnant and due anytime soon.
    so I'm going to leave since I'm replaced ...I never mattered anyway.
    no one will notice that I'm gone.

    I only wish that there was a way for them to give my organs to someone that needs them.
    if this empty heart can go to someone else.....somehow in the end I can finally be of some use.
  12. saturniidae

    saturniidae Member

    when you're broken on the inside....no one will believe it
    unless you break something on the outside.

    I don't have any other choice.

    I'm sorry for coming here.
  13. random33

    random33 Well-Known Member

    Don't be sorry, you are always welcome here and we will be here for you, most of us have been to through similar issues, so we can better understand how you feel, is not easy for the outside world to do this, people that have not been through depression or other sort of mental issue, have no ideia how it feels, it's not their fault and it's also not ours, it's just the ways things are.

    The good news is that we understand you, when you say that you are broken on the inside we all know that feeling, I'm also broken, trying to glue all the little pieces together, will I ever make it, I don't know, I just know that I'm a better than I was a few months ago, so maybe in a few years who knows?

    I'm been fighting this darkness ever since I can remember, I'm 32 now, there were so many times when I just wanted to give up, I wanted the pain to stop, but I'm still here and so are you, hang in there, don't be afraid to ask for help. Remember that depression twists your thoughts, we cannot trust what our brain is telling us, so we sometimes need an outside perspective to have a realistic view of our lifes. Hang in there, you are safe here, feel free to share your feelings if you want.
  14. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Welcome Saturniidae! its o.k to write it all here.
  15. I am concerned.
  16. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    How can you give when there is nothing left inside to give? It's you that needs to receive now. You can't keep giving and never receiving, it's unbalanced and it damages you. I wish you all the love and healing in the world. You sound very fragile and very bitter
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