Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Ruby, Dec 8, 2006.

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  1. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    I've been self harming for about three years, and I think about it almost constantly. Self injury is always in my thoughts, and the more I think about it, the more I think that I enjoy it and don't want to stop. In my opinion everybody self destructs, whether it be by smoking, doing drugs or drinking lots of alcohol. Why can't cutting by accepted by society? If I didn't cut I'd end up attempting suicide. I can't relax until I've cut myself - it's strange. The thought of self harm makes me happy. The thought of suicide makes me happy. Ha, I'm told that I'm 'mentally ill', but I'm not. Like I said, everybody self harms in one way or another.

    Question - If you self harm, do you want to stop?
  2. NoRegrets

    NoRegrets Well-Known Member

    When I'm doing it, no....when I feel the pain and the release, no...

    Only when the little ones I care for in the day care asked me if my cat got me again, or if I made cookies last night because my arm is all messed up. The days when I don't have a long sleeved to cover it up..

    Then I do.
  3. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    No, i just don´t want stop doing it. i think that people who are depressed like to be that way... like me i feel better when i´m down than when i´m happy. i know that strange feeling you say.
    Don´t you feel like your arm (or wherever you hurt yourself) burns? like if it want to hurt itself on its own? like an addiction is like smoking if you pass sometime without smoking you want it more and more, and then you start smoking more and more, nut the problems with the adicctions is that you will hurt yourself too much one day (like smoking can bring you cancer). i´m scared to kill myself by accident, so try to manage it the most that you can.
  4. claycad

    claycad Well-Known Member

    I just recently started burning myself with hot metal objects. I don't really understand why, and don't really care. Its funny though, I'm 24 years old and have never done anything like it before. About 5 weeks I started on new meds, about 2.5 weeks I started burning. I don't know if the meds are having a negitive affect or if it is just other circumstances at the moment that cause it.

    Anyway, I suppose I want to stop, but only because so far, even though my wounds hasn't completely healed, I can tell that they are going leave horrible scars. I suppose I like the releaf harming brings though. I don't like blood because its messy, plus cutting can scar too. I need something else that hurts but won't leave scars. I was thinking of getting one of those cheap stun guns and see how much pain they cause. How can I cause physical pain without leaving scars or perminant damage?
  5. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    I dream about cutting, I plan how to cut, I cut, I cover up my cuts.. and that's how my life is at the moment. I don't just cut though; I burn, I punch walls and I bash my head. I can't seem to get the same relief with burning etc as I can with cutting, though. I love cutting.. It's my life. I tend to abuse prescription medication. I have overdosed about twelve times in two years. I guess that I should be ashamed, but I'm not. Like I said, everybody self harms. Sorry if it sounds like I'm glorifying self harm, because I'm not. I'm just messed up right now, sorry.
  6. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    Ok, my experiences...I’ve been SI’ing in many different ways for around 6 years and for the past 2 or 3 years I’ve felt like you said that’s its on my mind all day. Literally. Every moment I was awake, and when I was asleep, I’d dream about self injury...and I’d see images in my head, god knows where they came from, which scares me more, because I’m not into looking at pics of this sort of thing or anything, but yes images of things I “wanted” to do to myself and I’d feel I had to act on them, pretty horrible things, quite a few I’m ashamed to say I did give in to. And I felt such a freak for feeling like that. I have scars literally all over my body, most of which probably won’t go and barely fade...I’ve tried. I can’t swim anymore, I couldn’t go to my Fresher’s ball at uni…try finding a dress with long sleeves that goes all the way down to cover your ankles without arousing suspicion lol. Summer is hell. I wear long sleeves to clubs…a lot of the time I just stay in because I’m so convinced people notice or ask me why. And I won’t know what to say. I could go on and on about the negative impact it has on my life, but I think you already know. So, yeah based on that alone, if you asked me around a month ago, do I want to stop self harming I would have said yes. Sure. Why wouldn’t I? I don’t want scars...I don’t want it to take over my life, because it did. But in my heart, I didn’t. Because I guess, I grew to believe that’s who I was: A self injurer…and that’s all. Still working on that one…but, anyway…Today, I would answer to your question: Yes. And today I am sure that I do mean that.

    Some time around 3 weeks ago, I had a bit of a turning point, I was talking to a close online friend about SI urges, I said something along the lines of “Why should I bother fighting them when its just another scar, its just me its destroying and affecting and I’m ok with that because I know I deserve it” And she said 4 words which I can’t get out of my mind: “Because it hurts me”. Maybe this sounds stupid, but this was the first time in 6 years of SI that I realised that it might affect, let alone hurt anyone other than myself. No one in real life knows, of course, or at least those who probably should are so happy in their denial, they don’t really at all :)rolleyes: See signature). I made the decision there and then that it has to stop. And of course I know it’s not that simple, I’ve been “trying” to stop for over 2 years. But the difference was my attitude I guess, I didn’t really want to stop. I was made to think I did by others. And this got me realising, it can only work if it’s for you. Because what happens when the person you’re “stopping for” disappears? But I now realise I do want to stop for me too. I haven’t hurt myself at all since that conversation. I’ve been telling myself I don’t want to do it anyway, and today I realised it was actually true…I don’t enjoy it. I thought I did in some I don’t know…sick way, but I don’t. I thought I’d miss it but not really I don’t. Though I know there’s a looooooooong way to go yet. I have a lot more confidence this time round because I know I DO want to stop. And I feel more confident that I will be able to. The last 3 weeks have been the hardest in a long time, facing a load of stuff from the past and my actual life god knows where that’s going right now, it’s a complete and utter mess…but I haven’t, much as I’ve wanted/needed to. Because there are other coping methods, we just need to learn them. I don’t think about SI much at all recently, which is a complete night/day change. It’s still the first thing that I think of when I’m having a hard time. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t got extremely close. I guess it’s a matter of replacing those bad coping mechanisms we’ve learnt with positive ones. :smile:

    As for “everyone self harms one way or another”. I see where you’re coming from, but I don’t believe it is everyone. I believe a lot of people have learnt positive ways of coping/releasing. When I think about it, yes I don’t actually see what’s so wrong with cutting etc. I don’t see how its any worse than smoking/drinking excessively etc. Its how society sees it that affects our view, but instead of making self injury more socially acceptable, I think that alcohol abuse/smoking should be less socially acceptable if anything. There are ways of getting through life without destroying ourselves. I guess we just need to find them. :smile:

    Sorry I’ve rambled for so long and gone off topic…my answer to your question was a yes.:smile: I feel like I sound like it’s so easy, like I’ve even done it. I haven’t…not even close, I have a long way to go. And a month ago, I felt so much like you I could have practically written those posts myself, not kidding. I guess I just felt I wanted/needed to share this. Sorry for such a long ramble about nothing. :unsure:
  7. Come What(Ever) May

    Come What(Ever) May Well-Known Member

    Just as a far warning, if your holding the hot metal down until it is no longer hot, you will have a scab where that burn was for at least 3 weeks. I have a scab or 2 left thats pushing 5 weeks I believe.
  8. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    I totally agree with you. Everyone self harms in someway. People need to lay off people who cut it is their business and nobody else's. It is a good way to get infectionsw tho, so be careful.
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