experiencing strong suicidal thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by royjones, Dec 20, 2011.

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  1. royjones

    royjones New Member

    25 year old male. was broken up with by my girlfriend of 7 years back in july because i was generally an asshole and picked arguments about stupid stuff that doesn't even remotely matter to me anymore. a week later, after desperately trying to contact her and being ignored, i jumped off a bridge in a serious attempt at suicide. broke my spine pretty bad and was in the hospital for a couple months. got out and made a go at life, met a new girl online who i dated for about 6 weeks before again being dumped. took the second one surprisingly well, and moved out of my mom's house and into my own place at the beginning of november.

    since then, i've pretty much fallen apart. every second of every day is spent in painful regret thinking of how easy it would have been to preserve that relationship with the love of my life and best girl i could ever hope to meet if i wasn't a complete idiot. it's absolute torture. i know logically i just need to move on and forget about it but i can't seem to forgive myself. all i can think of is how happy i was and how great my life was a year ago and how horrible and hopeless it is now.

    i feel like i have no life. i have a few friends, but none of them are really close at all because my life was devoted to my ex-girlfriend. we lived an hour away from where i work and all my friends are. i have a supportive brother and mother, which makes me feel even worse because i express my despair to them and it's killing them too. i feel responsible for tearing my family apart and ruining their lives.

    anyway, i figured posting here was better than posting on a pro-suicide forum (which i originally went looking for and couldn't find any of -- good job google). basically the only thing i've been thinking about for the last several days other than my ex-girlfriend are what ways i could try to kill myself that would actually work and wouldn't be terribly painful. i'm not sure whether i plan to kill myself or not, but i definitely don't plan to try at it and fail again.

    making things worse again tonight are that i tried texting her yesterday, telling her how bad of a place i was in and basically begging for her friendship and help, and she blocked my phone number. the fact that the person who once loved me so much now doesn't care enough to offer me friendship that may save my life just kills me. the pain is unexplainable.

    not sure what i'm looking for here, but there it is.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Im sorry hun rejection so much pain but please hun let her go okay let it be and try to move forward yet again. You met someone you can meet a new person maybe the next will be even better hun please try to get out join new activiites try to meet new people okay hun Do not isolate You can do this hun Keep talking here okay you will make friends It takes time for the pain to lessen but it will soon when you meet someone new you won't even think of her again hun hugs
     
  3. Groznyji

    Groznyji Active Member

    Hey there. I'm sorry you're so upset. The word "upset" probably makes what you're going through sound mild, but having felt the same thing I know that there isn't a proper word to describe it anyway.

    I'm 24-years-old and I also ended a long-term relationship a couple of months ago. The only difference is that I was the one that did the breaking up. I loved her very much. But she was a mean person at best and downright emotionally abusive at worst, so it was something I just had to do. She acted like I was placed on this earth solely to make her happy.

    While we were still together I once told her that I often thought of suicide, and she didn't seem too bothered by that, so I never mentioned it again. She was the only person I ever told out loud. The only other place I talk about those types of thoughts is here on this forum.

    After we broke up she kept trying to contact me and I ignored all of her calls and texts. She began to email me and I responded to a few of them. She told me she was thinking about suicide, and my only response was that she should go see a therapist.

    From her point of view I was being cold and uncaring. Her final message to me after constantly begging me for days was that she hated me and hoped she would never see or speak to me again. The truth was that it took every ounce of willpower I had to stop myself from running back to her. The reason I was being so "cold" was to save myself, not because I didn't care and not even for some sort of "revenge" for her lukewarm reaction to my own suicidal feelings. I didn't want to be locked into a vicious cycle of her threatening suicide and me running back.

    I'm also lonely. I have some friends, but that doesn't seem to help.

    I think about suicide all the time but I also think about being happy. I felt like my ex was the greatest girl I could possibly meet. I recently realized I have feelings for someone else. I won't try to start a relationship because we'll be living in different countries a year from now, but just having those feelings was really great. I've learned it's always possible to move forward.

    You don't know what you're looking for here and neither do I. Understanding, maybe. You have it here to some small extent, and I hope that's somewhat comforting.
     
  4. royjones

    royjones New Member

    i know it's possible to move forward. it just cripples me so much to think that i'm so miserable and i could so easily be happy if i wasn't a complete idiot. i threw away the best thing that ever happened to me and now i feel totally alone. the mood swings every day are unbearable. all i can see ahead of me for the forseeable future is regret, sadness and darkness. it would be so much easier to just bypass it all.

    the sad thing is that i had a great life and never would have wanted to die in a million years. and it's all gone now. i just can't get over that.
     
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