It’s like a secret truth I can’t unlearn, this depression. For decades it has followed me, in the corners of my mind’s eye; tainting any joy or success I felt. Always lingering, lurking, waiting for the chance to jump me and rape my soul. A long battle has led me to this point, covered in scars.. A hollow shell so thin I no longer even cast a shadow. I feel like expired milk. So soured I am a poison to anyone living. When I sleep I dream of dead lovers, pets and friends.. we are together happy and somehow in harmony. Then I wake to the nightmare that is my real life. The physical pains of my sadness are getting worse by the month. My heart feels like it is collapsing in on itself, my tears feel like acid burning my skin and eyes. My skin stretched so thin over my bones and muscles; withered and taunt to the point of breaking. Yet I have no physical disease save my mental ones. I am dying of life, not living for it. I have found no secret words to heal anything. Perhaps empathy is a magic tonic. But it needs to be stared at in the face. And I am now in exile, living in a town of faceless strangers. I have had 3 failed suicide attempts in the past to my name. <mod edit - methods> like me; haunted and in pain. I feel like I am at wits end. I been spending the past 5 months desperately trying to find a group or local help. There is none. I am on disability due to my mental illness and have no money for therapy. The hospital merely tells me to google for help. It's ironic too since according to internet there is a few services and options in my city. Except when I physically tried to go/use them.. I only, actually found out that they all no longer exist and that no one bothers to update any of the internet directory services. It's like a painful slap in the face.. the hope and promise of help only for it to be non-existence.