Expired Milk

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jath, May 20, 2015.

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  1. Jath

    Jath New Member

    It’s like a secret truth I can’t unlearn, this depression. For decades it has followed me, in the corners of my mind’s eye; tainting any joy or success I felt. Always lingering, lurking, waiting for the chance to jump me and rape my soul. A long battle has led me to this point, covered in scars.. A hollow shell so thin I no longer even cast a shadow. I feel like expired milk. So soured I am a poison to anyone living. When I sleep I dream of dead lovers, pets and friends.. we are together happy and somehow in harmony. Then I wake to the nightmare that is my real life. The physical pains of my sadness are getting worse by the month. My heart feels like it is collapsing in on itself, my tears feel like acid burning my skin and eyes. My skin stretched so thin over my bones and muscles; withered and taunt to the point of breaking. Yet I have no physical disease save my mental ones. I am dying of life, not living for it.
    I have found no secret words to heal anything. Perhaps empathy is a magic tonic. But it needs to be stared at in the face. And I am now in exile, living in a town of faceless strangers. I have had 3 failed suicide attempts in the past to my name. <mod edit - methods> like me; haunted and in pain.

    I feel like I am at wits end. I been spending the past 5 months desperately trying to find a group or local help. There is none. I am on disability due to my mental illness and have no money for therapy. The hospital merely tells me to google for help. It's ironic too since according to internet there is a few services and options in my city. Except when I physically tried to go/use them.. I only, actually found out that they all no longer exist and that no one bothers to update any of the internet directory services. It's like a painful slap in the face.. the hope and promise of help only for it to be non-existence.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 20, 2015
  2. Danialla

    Danialla Well-Known Member

    You definitely have a gift for words. Your writing is so beautiful to describe something so painful. I understand where you are coming from, although I work and have ins. I know I am one of the lucky few.

    Is there a clinic in your area that has sliding fee schedules? Near a college that might do professor reviewed counseling? Any NAMI groups around? Is there an ADAMS Board in Your county? Just throwing some ideas your way. You might have tried all of them put never give up..
  3. Lost

    Lost Staff Alumni

    Another secret truth is that expired milk can be used to make cake, pancakes, bread and whole host of other delicious crap. Apparently It can even be used as a face mask to repair tired and dry skin but I think I'll let someone else try that one out first. :cow10:

    Anyway, I'm glad you have found this place at least. It is an outlet filled with a lovely bunch of people and a great place to turn to especially when feeling like there is little else IMO. Welcome to SF! :arms:
  4. imars27

    imars27 Member

    Try counseling.Think positive.Good days will come back.I am praying for u.
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