Explosion, or Implosion, or drown in tears?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TBear, Jan 10, 2010.

  1. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Don't know where to turn or how to handle this

    My therapist said that after all I've been thru I can handle this too

    NOT FAIR.....

    It is all coming together - the last pieces of the torrent of trauma that my life has held; and it hurts...

    Anger beyond belief but nowhere to send it; despair and hopelessness,

    Pain of dealing with so much - it was always fragmented away in pieces that were walled away - but that also walled away living....

    Now to see all of it together - I never had a chance...from the time I was three, the last piece of the puzzle that held my tears... now I am paralyzed in excruciating yearning for comfort and there is none; I am alone and need to be strong for my kids.... don't think I have anything left to give...

    G-d It hurts, and I don't have anything to do with it but feel it.... I hate life
  2. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Can't take it
  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry you're hurting and I've noticed you on the forums for a long time helping others. Sometimes I miss what is happening on here, so if you ever want to pm me it's ok.

    Please take care and try and stay strong. You are being heard.

  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You're right it isnt fair!! You have been strong but that doesnt mean you still are. And you are tired and drained and have kids to look out for and a life that isnt just going to say "whoa she's dealing with something here so let's give her a couple of days."

    But saying you can handle this too doesnt mean that you are expected to deal with it alone. You need to turn to those that can offer you support and help right now. Your friends and the members here. Making extra appointments with your therapist to make sure that he/she if following through with helping you through a tough situation that they helped get you to. To any family that you can "use" in helping with the kids. Anything that can help you hold on hun. Dont try and deal with this alone. You've got great support here, so please use it. :arms: Dont give up.
  5. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Thank you... just feel like I am having to force myself to just inch along

    My therapist is having me check in several times a day - why does he care... says this is "has a different flavor"..

    I left work and came home and went to bed... don't even want to move - gotta get my act together or people won't get paid - gotta run payroll and transfer funds, etc...

    Don't want to move - why did it all have to happen? My G-d it is all coming together and it is beyond my ability to look at.... How can anyone treat a child the way I was treated? It is beyond comprehension and it was me...

    Set me up to be raped and even marry my rapist - my life is such a waste, and yet I "play the game" and act as if none of it happened so that my kids will have a chance, all they know is that he was mean and now he is gone...

    I have no family to turn to, no one... I can't even pay my rent and bills right now or get a decent winter coat for one of my sons - even I desperately need me to run the payroll... But, I have lost my ability to fight - I can't seem to break out of this... Just want to disappear
  6. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    Hug yorkie xx
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey TBear,
    You have a kind heart and I have read all your repliwes to others.. You offer your support unselfishly and genuinely care about others.. You know I am not in the best of mind right now but wanted you to know I care...
    I think your therapist is wrong about you handling this so adbrutly.. You should ease into it..One step at a time..If you ever need someone to talk to you can PM me or email me at joseph.parrish1@yahoo.com.I am very closed mouth and won't repeat what you have said to me..
    I just want you to have that option..My email is pulled up all day..I feel your pain and my hand is outreached to you.. All you have to do is grab it..Take care, Joseph
  8. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Thank you so - it means lots.
  9. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I don't know if I can say anything very helpful now, but I do hope that you can find the tiniest bit of comfort knowing that people here know what you're feeling... and even though it's not fair and it's really hard- you need to keep trying.
    When you feel weak and need a break, you can feel free to talk to SF at least? Get things off your chest and try not to think too much... >.<

    ...I think of the three- I would Implode < that way there would be nothing left of me as evidence that I was ever even here >
  10. Oceans

    Oceans Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry life is very hard for you. I don't think I can say anything helpful but i read your post and do care.