Feeling totally exposed and it is making me uncomfortable. I know its important for t but this is rather difficult for me. I was very, very close to being completely honest re my thoughts, but I didn't go there and that's probably for the best. One day at a time, as they say. But, that in itself is really hard some days. Okay, so its rephrased to one hour at a time. Okay, but that can be difficult too. Am I giving up too easily? Or just assuming I will give up at some point? I feel another death is on the way soon, I don't know why I feel that and I hope I am wrong. I really hope I am wrong. Things finally quietened for me in that regard and I'm scared another one will send me back into a bad, bad tailspin. I'm trying, I'm much better than what I was. I think so. But I still have these dark thoughts. Yes I can laugh and joke and people presume all is great in my world. That's okay by me really, because I'm sure they have their own stuff to deal with. But I'm sad a lot of the time. Sometimes it physically aches, like right now. Things are really scary when alone sometimes. And I wonder what the future holds. Probably many people would like to know. I'm not sure I do. I wish there was an easy way not to be here. Work is bananas. And family - I distance and then I contact or they do and I respond and then its back to square one again with the comments and similar. Its probably me being too sensitive or misreading what they are saying. And if I am reading people wrong then no wonder I've messed up so much. It kind of makes me feel even stronger that I was at fault for things that occurred. Am I really that screwed up that I have misunderstood all communication throughout my life? I wonder, then, how I could possibly justify my reasonings when what they were based on was incorrect to start with. So I should have stayed where I was and let him kill me, or hope that he did. Maybe that was what was meant to happen. Perhaps it would have been for the best.