exposure therapy a nightmare this week

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by icequeen, May 13, 2011.

  1. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    a week of renewed nightmares, feelings of suicide, guilt, self hatred, exhausted. most of week spent in tears, and even today in therapy was caught in tears in reception before i could pull it together, then spent the session in tears. struggling to breathe...throat just shuts off...cant believe i have so many tears inside..trying not to self harm or worse...and then for 5 mins you get switched off...and wham...back to reality again...draining the life out of me today. saved 2 week supply of meds, and it would be so easy just to swallow the lot, but not sure from what i read, if its enough. pain just seems to get worse each week. i just need to scream...i dread what tonight will bring....woke up screaming so many times since last therapy session, i am drained...didnt realise in my notes i have to keep what i had put down, but had to admit that it took a lot not to end it this week. i have made will, written letters, made plans for where i want ashes to go...given stuff away, or wrapped it ready to mail or be collected. anything i am not bothered about. i just dont know how much long i can live this. how can you go from loving life to fear it.

    oh well..sorry for rambling...just how i am feeling at this partic moment.

    i just had enough today
  2. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    You are so so brave. I havent had that kind of therapy so i cant say i know what its like but i know what its like to live in fear with flashbacks and nightmares and stuff. Usually when we are most scared we flee which is probably a part of wanting to throw in the towel this week. I hope that you start to see the benefit of the therapy sessions soon. I dont know what we would do without you on the forums so dont plan any holidays LOL i hope you keep posting about this so we can see how the therapy works out for you. GIANT HUG :) :sf:
  3. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    thank you shadow, this week has been so difficult, have to continue with same exposure this week. i am told its normal and what they want for anxiety levels to peak...but its ok for them to say that, they not the ones going through it, its really really hard, and i feel bad that peeps have been here for me, and at the moment i am in cuckoo land.

    thank you for your kindness, much appreciated
  4. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    feel so tormented... no sooner had i posted this post, than i was in tears, hyperventilating....i cant deal with this day in day out, it sucks the life out of me.
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Remember well having a really hard time halfway thru therapy, thought it would never end and then suddenly...bing! all the colour returned to the world, hadn't even realised I was seeing everything in shades of grey :eek:hmy:
    I know it's hard but try and stick with it, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
  6. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    just really struggling today/tonight, in tears...i dont know whats going on..i just dont understand why i am still here....therapy has been really evil this week and i have to do more of same this week. i dont understand why i can tdeal with it as normal
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Do you have anything to help with your anxiety or panic? I'm always told to breath through the feelings, slowly & intentionally to try to prevent the anxiety becoming too much.

    Your responses are normal, don't think they aren't. This is a huge thing you are working through.

    Is there anyway to take a break from exposure therapy for a couple of weeks?

    I wish I were there with you, this is so hard for you, it makes me sad.

    Big hugs.
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i take propranolol for the nightmares. it's a ptsd drug. you might want to look into it. it shouldn't interfere with your therapy, just help you get through the night and sleep is so important when doing this kind of work.
  9. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    thanks guys..been a real struggle to try and stay grounded. see normal doc on weds i think. he has fought increasing meds but maybe they do need increasing now...and i am worlds worst for taking meds doc is happy i get em down me. suffering with emo flipping which is evil...lots of tears/disassociation/detachment/suicidal thoughts/self harming to feel real.
    its all exhausting. i will try and take on board what everyone has said, as its more believable than what the docs say, they dont go through it like we do.

    will try and keep posting how exposure works so maybe it can help others...partic where you have to pay for therapy, at least then you understand the principal and can get it for free... but at the moment, i am all over the place so thats the reason i am afk..but thank you all here for your support...it really keeps me breathing :hug: :hug:
  10. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    Thought you might be in need of a hug today ice :D *hug
  11. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    i am...thank you shadow i appreciate it...back at ya! :hug: