Extended Metaphoracal Introduction

[amee]

Sometimes it seems like a creative spirit and a melodramatic temperament go together. I'd rather be a Frida Kahlo, who became an amazing artist in a full-body cast and proceeded to dance and climb and have numerous love affairs despite the permanence of her physical injury in a street car, than a Vincent van Gogh, who frantically tried to capture the beauty he saw around him only to dispair due to his feelings about painting exceeding his (however brilliant) artistic skills.

My name is Amee. I'm only 24, but I've been diagnosed with clinical depression since I was 8 years old -- and I was Trouble before then. I went to the hospital in my mid teens due to "suicidal ideation," and I've gone between better and worse ever since.

I don't actually want to die right now, but I don't feel particularly "alive." And that lack of enjoyment, passion, is destroying my relationships. Which doesn't help.

It's hard to love someone who refuses to be joyful about anything.

I once told a friend of mine, who's just as self-defeating as I am, that he was standing in the middle of a beautiful garden, staring intently into a mud puddle. He needed to look up, adjust his eyes, take a few steps. By gods, there's UNICORNS out there. But all he wanted to look at was a mud puddle.

That's been my whole life. Sometimes I glance up, gasp, take a few steps, and a unicorn runs past in the unpredictable fashion of fantasy creatures. Knocks me over. Into the mud puddle.

I don't know how to get past it. I know there are a lot of things that I can do with my time, ("Mehh, dunwanna, I'd get cold / wet / bored / tired / I'd fail at it ..."), so many interesting things to see, (But it seems like even my sense of VISION is affected by my depression. I think I stopped bothering to FOCUS.), so many amazing people to meet (Who, btw, would realise that I'm a tiresome, high-maintenence creature, dumb as a sack of bricks, and irrational, to boot) ...

And some part of me thinks I'm fucking AWESOME. I rock at everything, I'm the best friend evar, I'm smart, I'm skilled, I'm fun. But I don't have the energy to be me. So I'm going to be some rare breed of sloth, instead. Staring into a mud puddle.

So I don't really know why I'm alive if I'm not going to LIVE that time. I don't feel like taking the effort to do any physical self harm: I subject myself to purely emotional abuse.

I tell the people I'm close to how I feel, and they don't understand. They say I'm being irrational and making excuses for my behaviour. I get worried that they're right, that I could fix it. I know what I'm doing. I'm faking.

Or maybe not ... maybe I'm insane, not making sense. Maybe only a professional could help me. What if they can't? They can't cure paedophiles.

What if it's not really an illness, but I can't change it? What if it really is the way I am? Who I am, what I am? You can't simply change your personality. And why should such a loathsome creature even exist?

So I'm here to see if anyone identifies. If anyone understands. Do I make any sense outside of my own mind?

--A :blink:
Hello, hello, hello Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?
Come on, come on down, I hear you’re feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain, Get you on your feet again.
Relax, relax, relax I need some information first.
Just the basic facts. Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding. A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves. Your lips move, but I can’t hear what you’re saying.
When I was a child, I had a fever. My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I’ve got that feeling once again. I can’t explain, you would not understand.

This is not how I am.

I ... have become comfortably numb.
((Pink Floyd -- "Comfortably Numb"))

 

[thedeafmusician]

Hey and welcome to the forum. You make sense to me in what you're saying, heh. Professionals can help - if you give them a chance... with stuff like that you usually get out what you put in.

Hope to see you around.

TDM

 

[Abacus21]

Welcome to SF

Take care, hope to see you around the forum

Joe

 

[Marshmallow]

Hey Amee

Welcome to SF!

I certainly don't think your insane, alot of what you said rang true to me. In my opinion from what i just read i would intellegant person and your able to express yourself in a fantastic way. From your first post i feel you have an amazing writing talent.

The only way to see if a professional will help is to give it a chance, I know how you feel about 'what if they can't help' I felt like that but different things work for different people your never now till you give it a go.

Once again welcome to SF

I hope to see you around the forum

Please take care

Vikki

 

[theleastofthese]

Dear Amee;

I don't think you're insane, tho, by definition 'insanity' is a legal term. Emotionally ill is more accurate. You sound just like I felt (and sometimes still do) when I was severely depressed before I started meds and counseling. And what you (so articulately) expressed made sense to me.:smile: I understand that garden/unicorn/mud puddle thinking all too well, as I've been there and still visit that Place from time to time. I also think that professional help could be of benefit to you. Please don't think you're 'beyond help' as there are many proven therapies out there which could help you. First off, it would help to reduce your depression. Once that 'fog' has lifted you can see things a lot better and more clearly.:smile: Getting the depression under control can also give you some energy to help yourself.:smile:

Keep coming back here for love and friendship and support, but do seek professional help. It's done wonders for me.:smile:

love,

least

 

[Beret]

:welcome: Amee
yes it does make sense what youre saying. I hope in making friends and getting support here you will be able no to fall in that mud puddle too often. Are you getting the help you deserve, with docs, psychologist or a therapist? We are here for you, lean on us whenever you need support and feel nobody understands u. :hug: Beret

 

[amee]

'Allo, poppets. (Don't ask. It's been an obsession ever since Pirates of the Carrabean 1 came out, and aside from "''allo!' .. 'Did you just say hello?' 'No, I said 'allo! but that's close enough,' it's the jolliest greeting I've got. Yes, I'm eccentric.)

Thank you for all the kind greetings and understanding. It makes all the difference knowing that people identify with me; with recent drama and such, I was worried that I was just incomprehensable and possibly villainous.

I've been on Zoloft for a good few years now, and it's served me well. In late July, I was laid off from a job that offered comprehensive medical benefits -- including perscriptions -- so I was forced to go off it, whilst still searching for some opportunity to get covered again.

Last week, I went through the procedures to get back on my clinic's sliding scale plan -- $15 per visit -- and today, I had an appointment to get a "sample" perscription of Zoloft -- $7 for a month's supply. It means I have to use my clinic's pharmacy, and call in two full business days in advance to get my medication, but it's a lot better than going months without.

I also want to get back under the care of a mental health professional; the last one I saw was sort of through the job I was laid off from, and was a brilliant private practitioner with an appreciation for my sense of irony. I'm going to be picky even though I don't know if he'll do sliding scale.

Either way, I survive. Suicide's never really been for me, I just want things to get better, and I kind of enjoy the challenge of having things to fix. I'll live easily when things are bearable, and die peacefully once things are perfect, ne?

--A

 

[gentlelady]

Hi amee. Let me add my welcome to the forum as well. I look forward to hearing more from you around here. Take care hun. :hug: