Extream Anger

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Samsara, May 30, 2009.

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  1. Samsara

    Samsara Well-Known Member

    I hurt myself sometimes, but only so I don't have to hurt other people.

    My suicidal feelings manifest themselves usually as Rage rather than Despair, so when I feel suicidal I feel hot and anxious like there's a volcano inside of me. If I can't control it I may become bloodthirsty. I've done terrible things that I feel horrible for... Nothing really extream, I've never killed raped or mauled, but still...I scared and hurt people that didn't deserve it and that I wouldn't ever want to hurt if I was in my right mind...

    If I am alone, where I can take it out on myself, I usually just beat the shit out of myself, smacking myself, punching myself, hitting walls, slamming my fingers in stuff...I once sliced up my arm really badly. there's marks on my walls.

    When I retain enough sense I beat on a pillow or something. I can't afford a punching bad, and I'm not manic. I just have a lot of repressed rage that I don't know how to get rid of before I overflow. I'm already very creative, I do sports and work out from time to time. I have many hobbies...but the anger is still there. I'm not sure what to do...and I don't want to hurt my loved ones or make myself infamous at college, or end up in jail, cuz I'm really big; I won't get leeway from the law.
  2. Gobou

    Gobou Member

    What would you do sport ? Sport can throw your anger away... Like fight-sport... Karate... OR just running. If you feel that you want to beat yourself, go out and run.
    To beat a pillow is a good idea too^^. I throw ice-cubes against a wall sometimes... They "clash" and the sound, the violence, the cold in my hand... It helps me sometimes.
  3. Samsara

    Samsara Well-Known Member

    I have done Karate, I am actually very good...but the rage comes out. Even my sensei told me he's been afraid by the look on my face when I spar...I've hurt people in there too :( That ice cube thing sounds good tho lol. I'll try it :)
  4. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    I can understand, most of the time when i cut it is not because i feel sad or depressed but because i feel really damn angry. It is a bit complicated though because although i know i'm really angry, i cannot always feel it. I think i'm able to dissociate very easily so i'll attack myself without really feeling anything for what i'm doing. I totally understand about repressed anger, there seems to be an undercurrent of anger in my life all the time, all it really takes is a trigger. I rarely take my anger out on others though, obviously i blow up from time to time but i think everyone does. You sound like you actually have a handle on the anger to a degree, you've been able to stop yourself from doing real damage to others so far. I think it is really good that you are able to identify that these feelings/behaviours are excessive - that is the first step to being able to stop them controlling your life.

    I think it'd be useful to try and figure out what triggers you into the rage? How long have you been dealing with this for? Perhaps understanding the root of the anger would be helpful in the long term? In the meantime i guess you need to find the safest outlet you can. If i'm in a rage but, as you say, able to think, i will go for a long run. Anything physical when you are angry helps. I like the ice cube idea too!
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