I hurt myself sometimes, but only so I don't have to hurt other people. My suicidal feelings manifest themselves usually as Rage rather than Despair, so when I feel suicidal I feel hot and anxious like there's a volcano inside of me. If I can't control it I may become bloodthirsty. I've done terrible things that I feel horrible for... Nothing really extream, I've never killed raped or mauled, but still...I scared and hurt people that didn't deserve it and that I wouldn't ever want to hurt if I was in my right mind... If I am alone, where I can take it out on myself, I usually just beat the shit out of myself, smacking myself, punching myself, hitting walls, slamming my fingers in stuff...I once sliced up my arm really badly. there's marks on my walls. When I retain enough sense I beat on a pillow or something. I can't afford a punching bad, and I'm not manic. I just have a lot of repressed rage that I don't know how to get rid of before I overflow. I'm already very creative, I do sports and work out from time to time. I have many hobbies...but the anger is still there. I'm not sure what to do...and I don't want to hurt my loved ones or make myself infamous at college, or end up in jail, cuz I'm really big; I won't get leeway from the law.