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Extreme Suffering

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ViolentGirl, May 28, 2014.

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  1. ViolentGirl

    ViolentGirl Banned Member


    I'm in extreme suicidal pain, and I'm looking for anyone -I don't care what your age, sex, or anything else is- to talk with. I'm looking for anyone who feels this extreme pain. You'll know if you're feeling it.

    I don't believe I'm mentally ill. If something bad happened and I felt no suffering, THEN I would be mentally ill.

    There is no way to fix the problem that is causing me to suffer, and I'm left with the choice now of whether or not to live out the rest of my life in suffering, or to end it all earlier.

    The only reason I am still alive is that I don't want to hurt the people I care about.

    I know that people will notice that I'm female and conclude that most females are not serious about suicide. But I am an aggressive female and will not waste anyone's time. If you are seriously in extreme suicidal pain and want to talk with someone else who is right on the edge, let's talk to each other. I seriously need to meet other people who are in extreme despair.

    My username is ViolentGirl. If you are wondering, I choose this username because I was diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder as a teen. I don't believe that I am mentally ill, but I am a violent kind of person, and I do seriously wish I could<mod edit - methods>.

    I'll be respectful and considerate to anyone who wants to talk with me. I won't be offended or judgmental about ANYTHING you say.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 29, 2014
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're going through a rough time right now, but ending it is not the solution. I have urges to end it too, and it depends on days. Some days are worse than others. Are there things that trigger you?

    I think that women who want to end it, should be treated with just as much seriousness as their men counterpart. Being suicidal is serious regardless your gender, age, color, race and religion.

    I wish I had the magic pill that helps everything but I sadly don't...are you treated for APD or your suicidal tendencies? Maybe talk to a professional about it?

    please keep talking here, hopefully it helps with the pain, and people can relate so they will reply, you are not alone.
  3. ViolentGirl

    ViolentGirl Banned Member

    Thank you for your kindness, morning rush. I really appreciate you replying to me. And I think your Einstein quote is very relevant to the world we live in.

    I don't have good days. Every moment is extreme suffering. There is a reason for this suffering, and it can't be fixed. I don't care for my own life and honestly I deserve to die.

    It's impossible to talk to any professionals when you have APD, because I fantasize about taking others with me when I die. For a professional to help, I'd need to be honest. And if I was honest, it would just end up with the police searching my house, and THAT would end up with me ending up in hospital or jail.

    I was diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder after I committed some crimes involving sadism as a teenager. I know people will say that I deserve the suffering I have now because I have hurt others and that if I commit suicide I will be doing the world a favor. And it's true. I've hurt others and I am deserving of my own death.

    But, I'm still human, and no matter how much I deserve to blow my own brains out, I don't want to hurt the people I care about. I have children and I don't want them to ever blame themselves. They don't deserve to suffer for the things I've done.
  4. Moon_Penguin

    Moon_Penguin Penguin astronaut extraordinaire

    It sounds like you've had it pretty rough. I wish i could take your suffering away, lock it up and through it into the oceans. This situation your in that you can't resolve might be solvable one day somehow. I felt the same before. No way out. Then a year later a door opened, and i ran at it. I ran so hard, fought my demons and found my way out. You just need to hold on. Something will come, you just have to hold on and wait.

    It doesn't matter what you did as a teen. No one deserves to feel the way you do, even if you have done unspeakable things, no one ever, EVER deserves to feel this way. One day you will feel better. Even if its just an hour of watching TV with the kids or seeing how well they do/did in school. Having children is a wonderful gift, no one can take that away. No one can take your pride away. You should stay for them. I lost my dad when i was 18. After moving to the otherside of the country to live with him. Parents mean alot to their kids. You need to be there for them when the going gets tough.

    Be safe and look after those kids. You can message me if you want to talk :)

  5. Hi. Just letting you know that I am also a female and I am a butch who is very violent and aggressive at times. You are not alone in this. I managed to get through gradually with lots of help from hospital professionals to counsellors and the kind souls in this forum. I have attempted suicide previously and I do have a criminal record for it. I can understand the pain because I have gone through it myself. But thankfully, my previous attempt never killed me but left me with a permanent injury to my limbs. I used marathon running as a form of therapy. I hoped you can stay safe and continue talking to us. Try to create a list of protective factors to allow yourself to read the list when you feel like you cannot go on anymore. Write your happy moments in the past and all the positive things down and skip the negative ones. :hug:
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi there VG - I have experienced what you are going through right now - but I experienced it 17 years ago and ended up attempting, was rescued, hospitalised and have found healing. I could say more, you may like to PM me. Or/as well, you could google "Healing Our Violence" - a set of CDs I am listening to which are continuing to shed light and insights on these issues, as well as the way of healing. Very willing to discuss :)
  7. ViolentGirl

    ViolentGirl Banned Member

    Moon_Penguin, I don't know how to thank you for your kindness. My head is fucked up right now, so whatever I say, it's not going to come out right. Sorry, but I never sleep anymore. I don't know what made you decide to be kind to some pathetic random stranger on the internet, but I wish I could somehow repay you for your kindness.

    Yes, children are heartbreakingly perfect. I must sound like the worst fucking parent on Earth, obsessed with death, but my kids actually have a pretty good life. I don't sit down and watch death movies with them all day long or anything like that. They have a normal life. Yet, I wish I had cancer, so I could die without them feeling like it was their fault. Do you have any children of your own?

    If you only believe one thing I say, then take my word for it: I deserve to suffer. If my life hadn't collapsed, I would have only on kept hurting others and laughing about it. I was the instigator in every one of those crimes. At first, I thought it was God's punishment that I suffer. But I don't believe in God anymore. So, the irony is that my victims aren't getting retribution against me through God's punishment or anything meaningful like that. Instead, we're all just suffering for no purposeful reason.

    Once again, thank you Moon_Penguin.

    Thanks marathon-addict, nice to meet another psycho female. I'm glad you found some peace. <mod edit - guidelines>

    I can't say it enough how I appreciate all the people who have taken the time out of their busy lives to say something kind to me. urPrecious, I will Google this. I've just noticed your signature, "The truth is, concerning our value and worth - that EVERYONE is valuable and worthy because they are a part of Creation....... we all just need some healing from our collective mistaken identity". Are you religious? I'll admit I'm jealous of people who find their own religious truth. I believe in nothing.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 30, 2014
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Don't like the word 'religious' VG - it's got too many negative connotations...... I rather look upon it as discovering my Real Self by grace. The things that try to persuade us to become violent etc. are not who we really are, and re-connecting to our Life Source (re-ligio in Latin means to re-connect) helps us to see this and empowers us to make wiser decisions. It's a journey and a learning thing...... :)
  9. ViolentGirl

    ViolentGirl Banned Member

    I hope I didn't offend you by using the term "religious". At the time, I was having a quick look at the "Healing Our Violence" CDs that you mentioned, which described themselves as "Christian mysticism". I can understand why you want to distance yourself from the dogma of organized religion though.

    I do think what separates "spiritual" and atheists, though, is the belief in an afterlife. People who identify as "spiritual" usually believe that death isn't the end.

    I'm open to the possibility that death isn't the end, but at the same time, the subject opens a whole new can of worms. Do you believe death is the end? If there is existence after death, what do you think would be necessary to obtain a pleasant after-death result?
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