Extremely Confused!!! Any ideas could be helpful!!

[kmj221]

I've now been hospitilized 15 times in 4 years. I just got out again last week, because I just had to play the game, I couldn't take being in there anymore. Especially with the doctor I had, and I wasn't allowed to switch doctors. Also, if I wasn't ready for discharge they would have revoked my provisional discharge and sent me to the state hospital again. Believe me when I say no one with BPD belongs in a state hospital. I am way too intelligent for that shit. I can't even go to a different hospital because the same things would happen. I really wasn't mentally ready to be out of the hospital. I still have deep suicidal thoughts. I requested my medical records because I new the doctor would totally lie about our interactions. (He is a total jackass!!!) His last response was patient has tried many types of med combinations with no benefit, hospital does not help and has had ECT in January with no benefit. He went over this assessment with the case manager at the hospital and my county case manger and they both agreed. Great so I have no options if my feelings get any stonger on wanting to off myself, I have nothing, no one!!! What the hell am I suppose to do now. I thought in the past that if I got too scared I could just take myself to the emergency room, guess that is out of the question. I just don't know what to do I am so scared of myself and actions right now. Sorry, for my rant if it helps explain me at all I have BPD and am impulsive as hell. Also, sorry for the cursing. Sorry, I'm having a really difficult night.
kmj221

 

[LastTime]

Living with BPD is very hard. Any and all stress is going to hit you much harder than it would the average person.
Doctors don't really have treatments for BPD, they have their bag of meds, if that doesnt help they run out of ideas.

Can you get any advice from a regional or national group that specialises in BPD to find out any services that will understand your needs? Your local hospitals dont seem to understand how you feel.

 

[kmj221]

I need help!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[may71]

hey, there!

I don't know if there is much I can do to help.

Have you read the BPD info thread? http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=9536

maybe that would help.

maybe also asking in the general disorder forum would help.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[kmj221]

So I finally got enough courage to call a crisis line. They had no idea what I could do in my situation. Well, I'm definately even more confused, lonely, hopeless, than I was. Is there nothing to help me stop this misery? Well, I guess I have kinda answered my own questions, the deed shall be done, eventually, soon hopefully. :confused::confused::confused:

 

[Stranger1]

Hi Kimberly, I know what you mean about that doctor.. The last time I was in the hospital the jackass I was seeing didn't take me serious either.. He cut my meds and discharged me saying I was stable.. I was suicidal also at that time.. I just had to get away from him so I lied to him..Do you have a pdoc you see regular?? Maybe a med change is necessary..I take six different meds to contol my thoughts.. Right now I am in the same boat you are.. I am currently suicidal and have decided to wait till next month when I see my pdoc..I hope things work out for you.. No one deserves these feelings..Take care!!

 

[kmj221]

Thanks for even reading my entry and responding. It seems that most people read my entry and then have nothing to say, kinda weird. I have been on every med I think that exists, just kidding. I'm just not sure what to do. Thanks again. kmj221

 

[MisterBGone]

Hello kmj221. Wow! It sounds like you have been through a deeply flawed system with plenty of unhelpful staff and care along the way. I can only imagine how worn out, frustrated, and hurt you must be given the unsuccessful results you've experienced with your doctor. I would feel as if I'd exhausted all efforts to get better, only to be letdown in my pursuits. I don't know if this would be an option for you, but I see you live in MN, would giving the Mayo Clinic a go be possible? I wish I had one word that would do one good for you. Peace, MisterBGone

 

[kmj221]

Thank you for responding. I'm not sure what Mayo clinic could do, but I'll try and look into it. Mayo is about an hour away from me, I live in twin cities. Thanks for trying to help me, I appreciate it! kmj221