*Extremely Triggering* hating / abusing my body..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Aug 17, 2012.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure where to put this.. I just hate myself.. i hate my body.. I harm myself in the lower areas.. almost like a nightly ritual.. i make it hurt.. i also hold my breath.. to make it hurt more.. I imagine someone raping me while doing so.. I'm fucked up.. I've been doing it secretly for years..

    I feel like everyone should hate me.. i know im a fucked up person.. selfish.. i can't do anything right.. i talk about suicide.. wanting to attempt again.. obv I haven't in a long time.. But I guess maybe that makes ppl think im just attention seeking.. maybe i am.. i can't control certain things.. its as though i have to do it..

    I hate my chest.. I've recently hated going anywhere without a compression shirt.. i want it gone.. I wish i could just take my chest off..

    Been trying to get help.. no therapy programs have worked our yet.. kinda given up.. i feel like i need to be abused.. because i deserve to be.. im just a dick.. and i fuck everything up.. i annoy ppl, cut ppl off, am selfish, and no therapist has ever rly liked me besides one.. because im fucking difficult.. I've even got one not to tell anyone about an attempt i made once..

    I'm an annoying piece of shit person with no life besides bugging ppl with shit thats happened to me.. because im overly sensitive.. and i can't control it.. i can't shut myself up.. i try i can't.. i want to end it.. but i can't.. im more afraid of the pain.. i know julia needs me also.. if i leave now she is on streets again and with no income whatsoever.. and idk where hiei will go..

    I just hate myself.. so much.. maybe i do this so others will hate me too.. avoid me.. idk..
  2. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I concur with everything you just said. I feel that way about myself; except i don't wear chest compressions.

    I too have the same intimate issue you have going on. I too cut people out, or am overly rude to make them leave. All of those things.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way...Maybe you are not 'shutting up' because you have not been heard? and maybe you perceive yourself in these ways because you are so unhappy with the body you were given...it is difficult to embrace something we do not want, but you are not a body, you are a spirit and a soul housed in a body...finding a therapist to work with requires a lot of negotiation on both parties' parts, but the therapist is responsible for ensuring the quality of the treatment...and no, everyone does not hate you...because the lens you are wearing is so desperate to be different, I am sure you cannot imagine being accepted as you are...maybe, writing some useable goals for treatment would be helpful so that the therapist has specifics to work from...general desires (e.g. I want my life to be better) are the end products of the work.
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you feel the same :( :hug: I appreciate your post though and reaching out to me..

    Thanks for the reply, I appreciate the support. I have been trying to find a therapist whom I could afford without insurance involved because it wasn't available for a while.. My insurance should be fixed now.. But I have been in so much therapy already.. My last therapist, it felt as though she didn't listen so I would act as if I was fine and didn't need therapy at all.. But none of the therapy has ever really done much for me. I have only learned more ways to look "OK" enough..

    I have only learned to fear hospitals.. And that I'm very un-believable when trying to explain truths.. So I stopped trying to.. But maybe those truths are only my truths.. I don't know.. I also think I do the same with therapists.. I tell them too much all at once.. And so it isn't very believable.. I've never had real boundaries with many people.. But with all this being said, all the therapy I have been through was in adolescent care, foster care and in teenager programs.. I really had no say whom I could see and for how long.. So maybe now I can find something more perm. And someone I can work with on a regular basis.. Maybe I can finally say things I felt I couldn't then because I kept being moved around so much..

    I have done therapy goals before, but honestly I get tired of the same routines.. I get frustrated when therapist and others trying to suggest things like that sometimes because I've done them before.. And really never have actually been able to track them or have them work because of how many therapists I have gone through.. It also leads back to my inability to stay hold to any one subject / idea / belief system / interest.. I try something for a while.. I am OK with it, but something clicks and all a sudden I hate whatever it was.. I have this feeling like I have to get rid of it.. I can't control it.. I want to find something I can stay to.. But it's becoming very difficult to do anything like that.. Besides being here at least now and again.

    Again, thank you both. :hug:
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Thanks for the reply and acknowledgement...I will respond in a PM later, as the things I want to ask/say are better communicated that way...I am just leaving this post so that you know I have read your's...wishing you better times
  6. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member