I'm not sure where to put this.. I just hate myself.. i hate my body.. I harm myself in the lower areas.. almost like a nightly ritual.. i make it hurt.. i also hold my breath.. to make it hurt more.. I imagine someone raping me while doing so.. I'm fucked up.. I've been doing it secretly for years.. I feel like everyone should hate me.. i know im a fucked up person.. selfish.. i can't do anything right.. i talk about suicide.. wanting to attempt again.. obv I haven't in a long time.. But I guess maybe that makes ppl think im just attention seeking.. maybe i am.. i can't control certain things.. its as though i have to do it.. I hate my chest.. I've recently hated going anywhere without a compression shirt.. i want it gone.. I wish i could just take my chest off.. Been trying to get help.. no therapy programs have worked our yet.. kinda given up.. i feel like i need to be abused.. because i deserve to be.. im just a dick.. and i fuck everything up.. i annoy ppl, cut ppl off, am selfish, and no therapist has ever rly liked me besides one.. because im fucking difficult.. I've even got one not to tell anyone about an attempt i made once.. I'm an annoying piece of shit person with no life besides bugging ppl with shit thats happened to me.. because im overly sensitive.. and i can't control it.. i can't shut myself up.. i try i can't.. i want to end it.. but i can't.. im more afraid of the pain.. i know julia needs me also.. if i leave now she is on streets again and with no income whatsoever.. and idk where hiei will go.. I just hate myself.. so much.. maybe i do this so others will hate me too.. avoid me.. idk..